


want to be (yours) anyway

by shellybelle



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Kid Fic, M/M, Mutual Pining, Rom-Com Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-11-03 21:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 39,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10975248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shellybelle/pseuds/shellybelle
Summary: Dex learns Nursey’s secret halfway through practice on a cold morning in October.“What the hell,” someone says, interrupting the Dex's shooting drill. “Is that a baby?”(Or: Nursey has a secret, Dex has a crush, and things get complicated before they get romantic--which isn't to say they don't get romantic at all.)





	1. Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this post](http://hoenursey.tumblr.com/post/156912927090/hoenursey-that-omgcp-trash) by @hoenursey. 
> 
> With that image in your head, enjoy.

 

"Afterward I always kiss her, my baby, and look into her clear eyes that know everything about me, and want me to be her daddy anyway."

(Angela Johnson, “The First Part Last”)

 

 

Dex learns Nursey’s secret halfway through practice on a cold morning in October.

 

“What the fuck,” someone--Ransom, maybe?--says, interrupting the shooting drill Dex is doing with Nursey. “Is that a baby?”

 

Dex stops shooting and looks around, at the same time that Nursey, next to him, snaps his head up and goes still.

 

There is, in fact, a baby by the edge of the rink. Well, not _just_ a baby--it’s a baby in the arms of a really gorgeous girl. She has warm gold skin that seems to almost glow against the cold lights of Faber, and dark blonde curls that tumble around her face. The baby she’s holding on her hip is probably somewhere between one and a half and two, if Dex judges by the ages of his cousins (he’s currently got six of them under the age of five, though, so he’s pretty confident). She has dark curly hair and brown skin, and she’s wearing a yellow jacket designed to look like a lion, complete with little ears and a fuzzy mane. The girl holding her is peering out at the rink, and the baby is looking, too, one tiny hand curled around a stuffed dragon.

 

Dex is pretty far away, and he’s not, like, a _kid person_ , but even he can tell that that is a _cute_ baby.

 

Whiskey skates up beside him and slides to a stop. “Why’s there a kid here?”

 

“I dunno,” Dex says. He glances over his shoulder at Nursey to see if he knows anything, but Nursey’s skating over to the coaches. Dex blinks, confused, and skates after him to hear what he’s saying.

 

“Sorry,” Nursey’s saying to Coach Hall, his helmet under his arm. “This is the thing I emailed you about? I thought they’d be here after practice, but--”

 

“You’re alright, Nurse,” Coach Hall says, clapping Nursey’s shoulder. “These things happen. Go check it out, gimme an update. Fine if you need to cut out early.”

 

Nursey smiles. “Thanks, Coach.”

 

He turns, sees Dex, and seems to startle, then gives Dex half a smile and skates toward the girl and the baby by the boards.

 

Coach Murray blows a sharp whistle. “Take five for water, boys!”

 

Dex left his water bottle on boards by the visitor’s bench, which is--conveniently--right near where Nursey is skating over to one of the prettiest girls Dex has ever seen. And it’s not like he’s _trying_ to eavesdrop on his partner, but then he kind of is, and--

 

“Thank you _so_ much for this, Derek,” the girl is saying. She sounds somewhere between stressed and emphatic. “It’s just such a big opportunity but my mom won’t be back in town until tomorrow, and daycare won’t take her until she’s been on the antibiotics for twenty-four hours, and--”

 

“It’s fine, Sofi, seriously,” Nursey says, and then, “Oh, honey, _stop_ ,” and Dex glances over. The little girl is leaning across the boards, trying to get to Nursey. “Baby, Daddy’s so sweaty right now, don’t--”

 

Dex’s stomach flip-flops. _Did he just say--_

 

The girl--Sofi?--is laughing, though, and Dex finds himself staring. “Oh, just take her, Derek,” she says. “She won’t stop squirming til you do, and we can just clean her off.”

 

Nursey grins. He takes off his helmet and puts it down on the board wall, then tugs off his gloves and reaches for the baby. She crows victoriously, and he kisses her nose. “Hey, baby girl,” he says. “How’s my best gal?”

 

“Baba!” the baby says, and tugs at his jersey. “Pah!”

 

“Yeah, baby,” he says, kissing her nose again, and then rests his cheek on her hair, looking back at Sofi. “The antibiotics are working, though?”

 

“I think so,” Sofi says. “She’s stopped tugging at her ears and her fever’s gone, daycare’s just got protocols.”

 

“Awesome.” Nursey shifts the little girl on his hip. “Listen, I’ve got like forty minutes of practice left, but I can get out early if you need to get on the road--”

  
Sofi shakes her head. “No, it’s fine, we were just running early for once in our lives, and I thought we’d come in and watch you practice. We can watch the rest and we’ll switch off after you finish?”

 

Nursey nods. “Sounds good.” He looks at the baby in his arms, and his expression--even from a few yards away, where Dex is standing, _like a fucking creeper_ , watching, unable to look away--is so soft and full of _love_ that something in Dex’s chest flips and trembles and jerks. “Okay, baby girl, back to Mama.”

 

“No,” the baby whines, but allows herself to be passed back to her mother--to her _mother_ , Dex thinks, wildly, and Nursey’s her--her father? Or at least close enough to her mother that this baby thinks of him as her father, and he’s kept this a secret from the team, and Dex feels fucking _blindsided_ , and--

 

“You can sit in the stands if you want,” Nursey’s saying, and Dex reboots his brain away from its current state of Blue Screen of Death. “And I’ll come meet you after I’ve changed?”

 

Sofi nods, picking up one of the baby’s hands and using it to wave goodbye to him. Nursey laughs, leaning across the boards to kiss her cheek, and then the little girl’s, and then he bends down to pick up his gloves and his helmet.

 

And then he turns, and sees Dex, and freezes. His eyes widen behind the visor of his helmet.

 

Dex opens his mouth to ask--to ask _what_ , he doesn’t know, but--

 

Coach Murray blows a whistle. “Back on the ice!”

 

Relief floods Nursey’s face. “Drills to run, right, Poindexter?” he says, and he’s moving, back to the blue line before Dex can say anything.

 

Dex casts a look over his shoulder at the stands, where the girl--what was her name? Sofi?--and the baby have found a seat. Sofi has the girl in her lap now, and she’s still close enough to the link that Dex can see her eyes on Nursey, watching him as he skates over to Whiskey, exchanges a few quick words.

 

“Poindexter!” Coach Hall’s voice is sharp. “Let’s go!”

 

Dex gives himself a shake, trying to shove down the mix of emotions pooling in his gut--confusion and hurt and something he’s terrified might be _longing_.

 

He swallows hard, and sucks in a breath, and skates after Nursey.

 

…

 

Nursey turns off the shower head, and gives himself an extra moment to just lean his forehead against the tiles, breathing.

 

Okay, he thinks. Cat’s out of the bag.

 

It was always only going to be a matter of time, and he’s known that. Keeping Maya a secret from the team was a decision he’d made before he came to Samwell. He wasn’t ashamed--could _never_ be ashamed of her--but he hadn’t wanted his team’s impression of him to be based on her, either. He’d always meant to tell them, once he’d established himself on the team and at school, but time kept passing, and then he hadn’t known _how_ to say anything, and the idea of coming clean had produced more anxiety than just keeping her hidden.

 

But Sofia’s advisor was taking her to a conference in New York, and her mom, who would normally take Maya on Sofi’s days if Sofia had something come up, had to fly out of town last-minute to take care of her sister, so Sofi had called him to see if he could take her. And of course he could, but the only time they could switch off was just after practice, so, not thinking, he’d just told her to meet him at the rink, and--

 

Well.

 

He breathes out, wraps a towel around his waist, and steps back into the locker room.

 

Predictably, he’s greeted by an uncomfortable, expectant silence.

 

Nursey sighs. “Alright,” he says. “Go ahead, get it out of your systems.”

 

The room erupts into questions.

 

“Who was that girl?”

 

“Who was that _kid_?”

 

“And that _bod_ , Nursey, _damn_ , I knew your taste was curves, but--

 

“Didn’t know you’ve been hiding a puck bunny _and_ a baby bunny, Nurse!”

 

The only person who _isn’t_ saying anything, he notices--notices the quiet like a void--is Dex, who’s sitting in his stall, lacing up his sneakers, looking vaguely shell-shocked and quiet. Nursey swallows, stepping to his stall and dropping his towel to change while the barrage of questions continues, until finally he snaps.

 

“Okay,” he says. “ _O_ kay. Dudes. If you give me, like, twenty fucking minutes, and meet me in the lobby, I’ll explain. Okay? I’m not having this talk with my dick out, no matter how much you pervs like the details.”

 

He punctuates the question with a pointed look at Ollie and Wicks, who went for the bunny-related questions, and at least have the decency to look a little guilty. Disappointment is palpable in the air, but the chirping stops. Nursey exhales hard, pulling his shirt over his head and grabbing his cardigan and tugging that on as well. He raises an eyebrow at Ransom and Holster. “Does that work for you?”

 

Ransom nods.

 

Bitty, whose few questions had been along the lines of “Honey, is there something you want to tell us?”, clears his throat gently. “Nursey, are you okay?”

 

Nursey purses his lips. _Sure_ , he thinks. _Just the most important part of my life, about to crash into the other most important part of my life, and I have no idea how that crash is gonna work. No big deal at all_.

 

“Yeah, Bits,” he says. He pulls on his sneakers--he hadn’t bothered unlacing them when he’d taken them off before practice--and picks up his bag. “I’ll see you guys in twenty,” he says, and heads for the door, already taking out his phone to text Sofia.

 

She’s waiting for him in the lobby, Maya in her arms, looking at the trophy cases. “And _this_ is probably an award that some big dude got for hitting some other big dude a whole lot of times,” she’s saying, while Maya chews on Dragon’s paw thoughtfully. “And _this_ is probably an award that someone got for getting a bunch of concussions, because sports organizations don’t care about repeated traumatic brain injuries--”

 

“Aw, come on,” Nursey says. “They’re a lot better about it these days.”

 

Maya’s face lights up. “Baba!” she squeals, and Nursey’s heart clenches. Fuck if that’s not the best part of his day.

 

“Hi, baby,” he says, holding out his arms. Sofia passes her over, and Nursey settles her on his hip, and nudges Sofi with his other elbow. “Hey, girlie.”

 

Sofia smiles. “Hey,” she says. Her smile is uncertain. “Derek, I just realized what I did by bringing her in there. I didn’t really think, I should have waited in the car or something--”

 

He shakes his head. “It’s fine.” Maya squirms, trying to get comfortable, and Nursey hefts her up a little higher. She rests her head on his shoulder. At twenty-two months she’s definitely hit a growth spurt, and she’s been more restless than usual as she gets used to her lankier limbs. “They were gonna find out eventually,” he says, swaying gently to try and settle Maya down. “

 

“Baba,” Maya says. “Baba, ’ambe.”

 

Nursey nods, kissing her forehead. “Comeremos pronto, baby,” he says. Maya’s language is a little behind her peers, probably because she gets a mix of English, Spanish, and Arabic between him, Sofia, and their parents. He and Sofi have mostly got it figured out how to translate the jumble of words she _does_ say. “Just wait a little bit, okay?”

 

Maya pouts, her bottom lip sticking out. Nursey leans down and pretends to bite at her nose, and she squeals with laughter. “Anyway,” he says, “Getting outed as a dad because my genius baby mama is going to a neurobiology conference as a sophomore isn’t the worst thing, huh?”

  
Sofia makes a face. “You know I hate it when you call me that,” she says, but her dark eyes are sparkling with pride.

 

Nursey pinches her cheek. “What, a genius?”

 

She rolls her eyes. “You’re such a jerk,” she says. “Alright. I gotta get back to school, we’re leaving for the conference at nine.” She holds out her arms for Maya. “Give me a hug, baby.” Maya smiles brightly and folds herself into the hug, and Sofia showers kisses all over her face and neck. “Cariña preciosa,” she murmurs. “Te amo, te amo, te amo.”

 

“Ammai amo,” Maya says, and plants a wet kiss on Sofia’s cheek.

 

Sofia laughs, and passes Maya back to him. “I’ll call you when I get to New York,” she says. “I’m not sure what the conference schedule is, but text me when you’re putting her to bed and I’ll facetime in for bedtime?”

 

“You got it.” He kisses her temple. “Have fun, make good choices, change the world. All that good stuff. I’ll be here, trying to win awards for punching other dudes on the ice.” She laughs again, pats his cheek, passes him Maya’s diaper bag, and heads out Faber’s front doors with another wave.

 

“Say ‘bye, Mama’,” he tells Maya, and she waves obediently at Sofia’s back. As predicted, Sofia turns one more time to wave enthusiastically before she turns the corner and is out of sight.

 

“Bye, Ammai,” Maya says again, a little sadly now.

 

Nursey kisses her head. “I know, baby,” he says. “But we’re gonna spend all day together, okay? And we’ll read books and play sand and all sorts of fun stuff.” She gives him a toothy smile, and he nuzzles her nose with his. It would be a perfect day, honestly, except for what he has to do before he can do first.

 

“Daddy just has to have a super awkward conversation with his team first,” he tells her. He bounces her higher on his hip. “What do you think, huh? Awkward conversations? Or should we make a run for the car and pretend this whole morning never happened?”

 

She cocks her head at him and blinks, slowly, with Sofia’s large, dark, and occasionally judgmental eyes. Sofia says almost-two-year-olds can’t be judgey, but he is one hundred percent convinced his kid is judging him right now.

 

“Yeah, yeah, okay, fine,” he sighs. “Get your momma’s morals, why don’t you.”

 

“Nursey?”

 

It’s Bitty’s voice, hesitant, behind him. Nursey takes a deep breath, looks down into Maya’s pretty brown eyes--his shape, Sofia’s color, all Maya--and raises his eyebrows. “You ready, kid?” he murmurs.

 

She smiles at him, sunshine bright, and a little more tension leaves him.

 

He can do this.

 

Hitching Maya up on his hip, he turns around. Most of the team is gathered on the other side of the lobby, their faces expectant mixes of confusion and interest and--on a few people--vague glee. Nursey takes a deep breath.

 

“Everyone,” he says. “This is Maya.” He pauses, just a moment’s hesitation--a last clinging to normalcy, maybe--and then pulls the plug. “My daughter.”

 

…

 

Nursey’s quiet as he leads the way out to his car.

 

His little girl, Maya, isn’t. She’s babbling up a storm in Nursey’s arms as they walk, though Dex can’t really figure out what she’s trying to say.

 

Nursey hadn’t said all that much in Faber, even though the team had showered him with questions. Dex had been impressed, honestly, with how he’d handled it--how calm he’d stayed, keeping Maya on his hip and his expression relaxed. _Chill_ , Dex had thought, though he knows Nursey well enough to know when it’s not totally real.

 

“Yes, she’s mine,” Nursey’d said.

 

“Yes, that was her mom.”

 

“No, we’re not together.”

 

“Yes, we share custody.”

 

“Almost two.”

 

“Middle of our senior year of high school.”

 

Maya had started squirming eventually, clearly bored with either the conversation or being the center of it, and Nursey had told everyone that he had to get her home to feed her, and if anyone wanted to interrogate him anymore, they were welcome to come to his place, and he’d text his address out.

 

To Dex’s surprise, then, he’d glanced at him and Chowder. “Frog carpool?” he’d offered, his face a little hesitant, like he expected them to say no.

 

Dex hadn’t known how to answer, but Chowder had plowed forward before he could. “You bet,” he’d said, firmly, grabbing Dex by the arm.

 

So, there they were.

 

Nursey’s car is a black Honda Civic that Dex had chirped him for last year the few times that Nursey had given him rides in it. “All that Manhattan money and you drive a suburban dad car, Nurse?” he’d teased, and Nursey had rolled his eyes, told him he could walk to the Haus if he wanted. But now, he realizes, as Nursey buckles Maya into the carseat in the back, he’d probably been shopping for safety, not for style.

 

“Shotgun,” Chowder says, jumping into the passenger seat. Dex makes a face at him, but climbs into the back next to Maya.

 

They pull out of Faber’s parking lot in silence, Nursey making his way off campus and into Samwell proper. Dex glances at Maya, who’s facing the back of the car, a stuffed beanie baby dragon in her hand.

 

She really is, he thinks, a really, _really_ cute kid, all big brown eyes and long, long eyelashes. Nursey’s got eyelashes that long, too, he knows, and has to push that thought away. Her hair is dark like Nursey’s, caught back into two braids tied with pink elastics, the hood of her jacket topped with yellow lion’s ears. She blinks at him a few times and then smiles with Nursey’s mouth. “Dagon,” she says, and offers him her dragon.

 

Dex blinks back. “Dragon?” he says.

 

Nursey glances at him in the rear-view mirror, and his eyes crinkle at the corners. “It’s her favorite,” he says. “She’s introducing you.”

 

“Oh.” Dex looks back at Maya, and then shakes the dragon’s front leg. “It’s nice to meet you, Dragon.”

 

Maya’s smile brightens. “Dragon!” she repeats, and then, “Baba! Fed!”

 

And, nope, he’s lost again. “Uh,” Dex says. “Fed? Is she hungry?”

 

Nursey snorts. “Friend,” he says. “Her language is a little delayed--her pediatrician says that’s normal for kids who hear multiple languages at home. She wants to know your name, probably. Baby, that’s Dex. He’s nice.”

 

Chowder twists around in his seat. “And I’m Chowder,” he says. “Oh. She can’t really see me, though.”

 

“You can meet her better when we get to Nursey’s place, C,” Dex says.

 

“Yeah, okay.” Chowder looks a little disappointed, but sits back. He elbows Nursey gently across the gearshift. “I’m stoked to finally see your apartment, man.”

 

Nursey gives a soft, nervous sort of laugh. “Yeah. I mean.” He hesitates. “Guys, I’m…” He sighs, and Dex can see him chewing his bottom lip in the rearview mirror. “I’m really sorry. For lying to you for so long. I--”

 

“You didn’t lie to us, Nursey,” Chowder says. “You kept a secret, but that’s not the same as lying.”

 

Nursey’s quiet for a moment. “Maybe not,” he says finally. “But you two are my best friends, and I…” He shrugs his shoulders as they stop at a red light. “I’m sorry.”

 

He sounds nervous, more unsure of himself than Dex has ever heard him, and Dex finds himself leaning forward before he’s really sure of what he’s doing, putting a hand on Nursey’s shoulder. “Hey,” he says. “We’ve got your back, okay?”

 

Nursey reaches up and curls his hand over Dex’s. His fingertips are cold--bad circulation, Dex knows, he’s always whining about it--but his palm is warm, his grip strong. “Thanks,” he says. “And I’ll--I’ll answer any questions you guys have. Seriously. I wasn’t gonna spill everything, not in front of the whole team, but you guys are...You know. You.”

 

“We’re the Frogs,” Chowder says, grinning.

 

Nursey laughs. “Yeah,” he says. “Exactly. We’re the frogs.”

 

Nursey’s apartment, it turns, out, is about a ten-minute drive from campus, in a small complex that Dex knows a lot of juniors and seniors usually move to when they get sick of dorm life. Nursey shoulders his backpack, scoops Maya out of her carseat and plops her onto his hip, and then picks up her diaper bag with a practiced ease that Dex finds weirdly alarming, and leads the way inside.

 

Before today, Dex isn’t really sure what he expected Nursey’s place to look like. Not that he’s spent, like, a _ton_ of time wondering, but on the few occasions when he’s been curious, he’s pictured...Well, he doesn’t know. Something covered in artsy pictures, or covered in empty booze bottles, given the way Nursey handles himself at kegsters (and what, he wonders suddenly, does Nursey’s daughter’s mom think about _that_ , if she knows?), or maybe just messy and in need of a good cleaning, just like Dex’s room and Chowder’s room and every other room--with the exception of maybe Bitty--belonging to dudes their age.

 

It’s not like any of that.

 

Nursey unlocks the door and they step into what seems to be a studio. There’s a little entry way, where Nursey puts Maya down--she wriggles out of her jacket and takes off at a slightly wobbly walk into the apartment--that leads into the kitchen and living area. “You can toss your stuff anywhere,” Nursey says, bending to pick up the discarded jacket. “I’m gonna fix something for Maya--do you want anything?”

 

Dex shakes his head, looking around. There’s a small kitchen, with a refrigerator that’s covered in colorful letter magnets and about a billion pictures of Maya, by herself and with various combinations of Nursey, Sofia, and some other women Dex doesn’t recognize. There’s a little seating area past the kitchen, a loveseat and an armchair with a coffee table. A bookshelf, one of those IKEA units that stands a little taller than the back of the couch, divided up the living space and the bedroom space, and gave the bedroom area a little bit of privacy. Another door leads off the other side of the apartment--a bathroom, Dex figures, but--wait, no, Nursey said the bathroom was off the entryway. So maybe a closet? He doesn't see a crib or anything where Maya might sleep, either, though, so maybe there's a bedroom back there.

 

There are books everywhere, and a not-unsurprising number of small stuffed toys. Nursey’s laptop is on one side of the loveseat like he’d left it there carelessly, a volume of Great American Poetry in a stack on the coffee table with _Goodnight Moon_ and _Knuffle Bunny_.

 

Maya is currently sitting on the floor of the small living room, half buried in a fabric box of stuffed toys as she goes through them. Dex puts his backpack on the couch and goes to crouch next to her. “Hey, Maya,” he says. “Whatcha doing?”

 

“Ta,” she says. She seems to find what she’s looking for--a stuffed giraffe--and picks it up, and then sets off to bring it to Nursey, who bends down.

 

“Hi, baby,” he says, his whole face gone soft again, and Dex’s stomach flips a little. She hands him the giraffe, and he takes it, putting a kiss on its nose, and then hers. “That is _so_ nice, thank you. I’m gonna make you a snack. Do you wanna see if maybe Dex will read you a book while we wait for Baba’s friends to get here?”

 

Dex straightens up. “Are more people coming?”

 

Nursey nods. “Yeah. Bitty, Rans, Holster and Lardo. I guess everyone else was satisfied with what I said at Faber, but I’m sure I’ll be getting chirped for months. Not that I don’t deserve it.” He gives Maya a gentle nudge towards Dex. “Go on, babe.” She hesitates, and Dex does his best to make his face look inviting.

 

After a moment, she moves towards Dex, and holds out her hand for his. He reaches down and she wraps her hand around his index finger-- “Aw,” Chowder coos behind him, and Dex hears him fumbling for his phone--and tugs him towards a bookshelf, pointing at a section of books that are clearly hers.

 

“You want me to pick?” he guesses. She nods. “Okay.” He pulls out a random stack. “Uh, alright. We’ve got, um. _Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?_ And _Dinosaur Versus Bedtime_ , and _Poddy and Flora_ \--” Maya’s face lights up and she grabs at the book. “ _Poddy and Flora_? Alright, okay.” He starts to get to his feet, but she tugs insistently on the sleeve of his hoodie until he picks her up, tossing the book onto the couch and then getting to his feet.

 

He settles down onto the couch and loosens his grip on Maya in case she’d rather sit next to him, but she rearranges herself in his lap, laying her head on his shoulder and then patting the book. “Boot,” she says, giving him firm expression that’s _so Nursey_ he snorts.

 

“What,” Nursey says.

 

“Nothing,” Dex says, opening the book to the title page. “It’s just, she’s got your face.”

 

“Aw, don’t say that,” Nursey says. He closes the refrigerator and starts busying himself at the counter. “She’s much prettier than I am.”

 

“I think you’re plenty pretty, Nursey,” Chowder says, plopping down in the armchair.

 

Nursey grins at him. “And that’s why you’re my favorite, Christopher.”

 

Dex makes a face at both of them. Maya makes an impatient noise and jiggles the book at him. “Sorry, Maya, sorry, I’m reading.”

 

Chowder snickers. “Wow,” he says. “That didn’t take long.”

 

Dex glances up. “What?”

 

“For her to have you wrapped around her finger,” Chowder says. He casts a glance over his shoulder, checks that Nursey has his face buried in the fridge again, and drops his voice to tease, “Are you like this with all kids, or just Nursey’s?”

 

Dex flushes a furious red, and is, fortunately, spared from having to answer by Bitty calling Chowder’s phone to say that they’re here, and where should they park, and is it okay that he brought some leftover pie?

 

…

 

After so much time being on his own with Maya, it’s weird--really weird, having all his friends crammed into his apartment.

 

“So, um.” He takes the pie from Bitty and puts it in the fridge--no way in hell is he letting anyone into that while Maya’s still up--gesturing for everyone to sit down. “I guess I’ve got a bunch of explaining to do?”

 

Ransom shrugs, hanging his coat on one of the hooks in the entryway and sitting down in the living room--the downside of Nursey’s apartment is it’s not super big. Big enough for him and Maya, of course, but not so much for entertaining a bunch of hockey players. “Only as much as you feel comfortable, bro.”

 

“What he said, honey,” Bitty reassures him. “You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to.”

 

Nursey tries to smile at him over the kitchen counter, a little nervous. He picks up the plate he’d put together for Maya and brings it over to the living room, sitting down on the other side of the couch from Dex. Maya takes one glance at him and promptly abandons her spot in Dex’s lap, clambering out of his lap and crawling across the couch to him.

 

Part of him thinks it might be for the plate of cheese slices and cherry tomatoes, but he hopes it’s at least partially because he’s a good dad and she loves him. She settles herself in his lap and lays her head against his shoulder, and he kisses her head and gives her the plate. “What do you guys wanna know?”

 

“I mean.” Lardo, curled into Ransom’s lap, looks considering. Holster’s leaning against the couch, and Lardo has her boots propped on his knees. Nursey does _not_ understand their dynamic. She tilts her head to one side, looking up at him. “As the manager--and not to talk _for_ Rans and Holtz, but I’d bet as captains--I guess we’re just...I think we’re all just sad that you felt that you felt like you couldn’t tell us?”

 

Nursey hesitates, tucking an arm around Maya’s waist while she chews on a chunk of parmesan. “It’s not...it’s not that I thought I _couldn’t_ tell you,” he says carefully. “I just. I wanted…” He looks down at the top of Maya’s head, the pattern of her curls. As if sensing his gaze, she looks up at him, blinking with Sofia’s big dark eyes and his own long lashes. He smiles down at her, running one hand over her arm. “I wanted you guys to get to know me as _me_. You know. Hockey me, poetry me, dork me, whatever, not--not dad-me. I didn’t want you to judge me.”

 

Bitty, squished into the armchair with Chowder, looks...vaguely devastated. “Nursey,” he says. “You think we’d judge you?”

 

“I didn’t know you yet, Bits,” Nursey says, shrugging one shoulder.

 

And it’s true. When he decided not to tell the team about Maya, with the exception of the coaches--and Jack, because Jack was older, and gave off that _I’m a dude with my shit together_ vibe, and it had felt _okay_ to tell him--he _hadn’t_ known any of the these guys (or Lardo) yet. He didn’t know if the team would be cool with him, or Maya, or Sofi, and the idea that they would look at him and write him off as _black guy with a kid_ , and--

 

And that’d be it. He’d be in a box, no friends, no _team_ , really, just a jersey and a stall and a stick.

 

“It’s not that I didn’t wanna trust you,” he says hesitantly. “I just. I had a lot at stake, you know?”

 

“Of course you did,” Dex says. His voice is soft, and his eyes are fixed on Maya’s small hands as they wrap around a tomato, and Nursey finds his own gaze drawn to Dex’s.

 

The last time he saw Dex look that soft--

 

His cheeks heat up, memories flashing through him, and he swallows.

 

Now is _not_ the time for that.

 

“Anyway, I guess I just…” Nursey shrugs. “Once I didn’t tell anyone, I just...I was in too deep, and I didn’t know _how_ to tell you.”

 

Holster’s nod is slow, and there’s understanding on his big, friendly face. Nursey’s always loved Holster. “Is there anything we can do now that we know?”

 

Nursey hesitates. “I mean--I’ve got it together, mostly?” He rests his chin on top of Maya’s head. “I can send you our custody schedule, to let you know, like, days I’m definitely not available. I mean, Sofi and I worked it out so that I’m good with practice and games, and when I’m good for kegsters I’m good for them, but, uh. For shinnies and stuff, or just random team things?”

 

“Of course, man.” Ransom props himself up, jostling Lardo a bit. She makes a face at him. “And y’know, you’ve got a ton of babysitters now, if you need us.”

 

Bitty’s whole face lights up. “Oh, _definitely_ ,” he says. “I’d be a great babysitter!”

 

Nursey finds himself grinning. Bless whoever Bits marries, they’re gonna get smacked with a whole bunch of baby crazy from day one.

 

“We’re here for you now,” Chowder says, leaning forward. His face is bright and earnest and honest, and Nursey is so, so fucking glad that he can finally be honest with his best friends. “We’ve all got your back, Nursey.”

 

And then he smiles. “And we’ve got Maya’s back, too.”

 

Maya tilts her head up to look up at him, beaming with cheese stuck in her teeth, and Nursey laughs softly. “Thank you,” he says. “I...Thank you.”

 

…

 

The team clears out after a little while--Rans and Holster have class, and Chowder has a lunch date with Farmer.

 

Dex stays.

 

He tells himself it’s because otherwise there’d be too many people to fit in Holster’s car and he and Chowder would have to wait for the Samwell Shuttle, but he knows that’s not why. He waits on the couch while Nursey puts Maya down for a nap, scrolling through his phone--Nursey finally added them all on social media, and Dex can see why he’d avoided doing so before, every one of his profiles is _covered_ in pictures of Maya; Dex is currently a month deep into Nursey’s instagram and might be dying slightly.

 

“Alright, she’s down,” Nursey says, coming back into the living room. Apparently the apartment really _is_ a one-bedroom, not actually a studio, and Nursey had explained that he put Maya in the bedroom.

 

“She needs a closing door more than I do,” he’d said with a shrug, swaying gently as Maya’s head had nodded against his shoulder, one of her hands curling into the collar of his t-shirt. “Plus it helps contain some of her stuff. I have no idea how it multiplies so fast, dude, but she has _so much stuff_.”

 

Now, Nursey flops down on the other side of the couch. He has a baby monitor in one hand, and Dex is pretty sure he recognizes the model as the same one his youngest aunt uses, small and portable. He puts it on the coffee table. “So,” Nursey says slowly. “I guess we should, uh. Talk.”

 

Dex nods. “I...Yeah. Probably.”

 

They sit, for a moment, in uncomfortable silence.

 

The hookup last year had been a fast, intense thing. It had been after a game, a win on home ice against Brown. Nursey had scored the game-winner off an assist from Dex, and the celly afterwards had been a rush of adrenaline. Their eyes had locked and it was like all the energy and tension they’d been carrying between them had boiled over. They’d crashed into Dex’s dorm room in a tangle of lips and limbs and heat, and it had been--

 

Dex closes his eyes and takes a breath, trying to keep the flush of memory off his skin.

 

Nursey had been gone when Dex had woken up, but there had been a cup of Annie’s coffee, still hot, waiting by his bedside table, and a handwritten note in Nursey’s cramped but oddly lovely cursive: _I can’t do this again. Please, please don’t be mad--I promise it’s 100% about my shit and not about you_ _at all_ _. You’re my best friend._

 

Dex wasn’t ashamed to admit that he’d dumped the coffee down the sink and given Nursey the cold shoulder for a solid week. It wasn’t until Chowder admitted to him that he knew about the hookup and that Nursey had been fucking _wrecked_ over it that Dex had swallowed his pride, admitting to himself that he was more hurt than angry.

 

He and Nursey had gotten to an uneasy peace, and eventually back to friends. But Dex would be lying to himself if he’d ever said he’d stopped being attracted to him.

 

Taking a breath, he swallows, and then clears his throat. “So Maya…” Dex rubs his hands together. “Is Maya why…”

 

Nursey nods. “She’s the priority, Dex,” he says softly. He sits up properly, his body losing some of its relaxed ease, and Dex catches the way tension tugs into the line of his shoulders. His fingers twitch with the urge to reach over and smooth it away. “I mean, I...You and me, we…” He rubs a hand over his face, and sighs. “I just. I know we have this...this thing, between us, but I have to put her first, you know?”

 

Dex nods, trying to smile. It feels fake on his face. “Hence the ‘not you, it’s me’ note?”

 

“Yeah, well. What was I supposed to say?” Nursey looks down at his hands.

 

“You could have at least woken me up.” The words come out bitter, and Dex kind of hates himself for that, but Nursey just nods, so Dex doesn’t feel _too_ bad twisting the knife a little. “It _really_ sucked to wake up alone, Nursey.”

 

“I know.” Nursey looks up at him, and he does _look_ sorry. “If I could go back and do it different, I would, but I freaked out, okay? I’m human.”

 

Dex snorts. “Yeah, well.”

 

They sit side by side for a moment, listening to Maya’s quiet breathing through the monitor.

 

“So what about now,” Dex says, because what the fuck, he might as well put it out there.

 

Nursey’s brow furrows. “What about now?”

 

“I mean, you said--” Dex takes a breath. “If we couldn’t--because I didn’t know about Maya, then now that I know…”

 

Several things flicker across Nursey’s face in rapid succession: confusion, wanting, hope--and then a slow fall. “I,” Nursey says, and swallows visibly. “Dex, I...I don’t think we’re on the same page here.”

 

Dex feels that like a slap in the face. “What?”

 

Nursey bites his lip. “I have to put Maya first,” he says. “It’s not that I don’t want...That I don’t _like_ \--” He closes his eyes, takes a breath, and then looks up at Dex again. “I just can’t do a relationship right now. I have too much--”

 

“I get it,” Dex interrupts. He doesn’t mean to snap it, and he regrets it as soon as hurt and guilt flashes in Nursey’s eyes. He reaches out and holds out a hand, and, after a moment’s hesitation, Nursey takes it. “It’s not about me. You gotta be a dad first.”

 

Nursey looks surprised, but he nods. “Yeah,” he says softly. “Dex, I’m--”

 

“It’s okay.” Dex squeezes his hand once and lets go. “I understand.”

 

And he does, even if it fucking sucks--It feels like fucking whiplash, going from _what if, maybe_ back to _no chance_ in half a moment. But he doesn’t know what it’s like to be a dad, but he’s got enough cousins who’ve had kids to know that it’s fucking life-changing. Stability for your kid or a relationship that might not even go anywhere--he can’t blame Nursey for choosing the way he is.

 

“Thanks, Dex.” Nursey’s smile is hesitant, but real.

 

Trying to convince himself he doesn’t still want to be holding Nursey’s hand, he pushes himself to his feet. “Listen, I’m gonna head out.”

 

Nursey blinks. “But--the next shuttle’s not for like twenty minutes.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I’m gonna walk back to campus.” Dex forces a smile. “I’ll see you at practice tomorrow morning, okay?”

 

“Okay.” Nursey walks him to the door, waits while Dex shrugs his jacket on. “Hey. Are we cool?”

 

He actually looks nervous. Dex sighs. “Yeah, man. We’re cool.” He suppresses the urge to lean over and kiss Nursey’s cheek--an urge he’s been _successfully_ suppressing for fucking months, but which is apparently coming right the fuck back. He holds out his hand for a fist-bump instead, and smiles when Nursey gives him one. “Say bye to Maya for me, yeah?”

 

Nursey nods, and Dex heads out.

 

The October breeze is crisp and refreshing on his heated skin, and Dex is grateful for it.

 

Alright. So the dude he likes is a dad. And still doesn’t want to date him.

 

And Dex is gonna have his back, because they’re friends, and teammates, and Nursey’s been doing all this on his own for too long because he thought the team would think differently of him, and Dex is never going to let that happen again.

 

He breathes out hard, and he sets off towards campus.

 

…

 

It’s weird, but bringing Maya into his Samwell life isn’t as huge an adjustment as he expect.

 

There’s still no way Nursey’s taking her into the Haus, even though Bitty keeps telling him it’s way cleaner than he thinks it is (“I’ve passed out on those floors, Bits,” Nursey tells him, “and you are full of shit.”) but sometimes he brings her to campus when he picks her up from daycare on his days and hangs out on the Haus lawn, which he figures is a safe compromise--he gets face time with the team, and he doesn’t have to bring his baby girl into contact with a bacterial warzone.

 

“It’s really _not_ that bad,” Bitty says, coming outside with a huge thermos and a few mugs and sitting down next to Nursey on the blanket he’s spread out on the grass. It’s been a warm fall, but the ground is still a little chilly. “I mean, you could at least bring her into the kitchen!”

 

Nursey snorts. “Yeah, Bits, sure. You keep an almost two-year-old in one room, I’ll watch.” Maya, who’s currently entertaining herself with a stacking toy, fortunately doesn’t realize he’s talking about her.

 

Bitty pours him a cup of hot chocolate from the thermos and passes it over. “I’m just saying that it’s not as bad as the rest of the Haus. We could get child gates or something!”

 

“It’s not about child gates,” Nursey says, “It’s about her throwing a fit when there’s stuff going on in the living room and she’s not allowed in.” He squints at Bitty. “You don’t do kids much, do you?”

 

Bitty flushes over the rim of his own mug. “Not really,” he says sheepishly. “Only child. I love them in theory?”

 

Nursey grins. “Aw, Bitty-Bits. You can babysit anytime, but you know reality is like...way less adorable than expectation?”

 

Bitty makes a face at him. “I know _that_ , Mr. Nurse, I’m an idealist, not an idiot.”

 

The door to the Haus opens, Rans and Holster trooping out, Holster pulling a hoodie on over his SMH t-shirt as he comes down the porch stairs. “Bitty, what gives!” Ransom says, plopping down on the blanket. “You didn’t say there was quality kiddo time happening outside!”

 

“Yeah, dude, you should have woken us up!”

 

“A, I didn’t even know you were home,” Bitty says, raising his eyebrows. “B, the last time I woke you two up, you said, and I _quote_ , ‘Bits, best-bro naptime is super sacred, you can’t just _interrupt_ it,’ only you yelled it and I think I literally heard like eight exclamation points at the end of the sentence.”

 

Holster looks appropriately chastised. “I am very emotional when I wake up,” he says. He squirms down onto his stomach to look at Maya at approximately her eye level. “Can you relate, bud?” She blinks at him, chewing thoughtfully on the corner of the wooden hexagons from her stacking toy, and then offers it to him. “Oh, thanks, dude.” He scooches closer to her on his elbows. “Where do you think this goes?”

 

Nursey watches, smiling, as Maya points and she and Holster start ‘solving’ the puzzle together. She seems content to let him entertain her, as long as Nursey’s still close by--she’s still not quite comfortable enough with the team to let him leave her alone with them--and he lets Bits and Ransom pull him into a conversation about his classes.

 

By the time Sofia’s car pulls up to the curb, Maya’s solved her puzzle twice, and Lardo and Dex have joined them. Nursey waves to her and then catches Maya firmly around the middle to keep her from scrambling out towards the street. “Hey, girlie,” he calls.

 

“Hey, you.” Sofia leans down to kiss his cheek, then scoops Maya out of his arms, squeezing her in a hug and scattering kisses over her face while Maya squeals delightedly. “So this is where you and your hockey bros hang out?” she asks, sitting next to him with Maya in her lap.

 

“Yo,” Ransom says. “We’re the hockey bros.”

 

Sofia grins at him. “Yo back,” she says. She elbows Nursey. “Do all your friends say _yo_?”

 

“No,” Dex says immediately. He extends a hand. “Hi, I’m Dex. I talk like a normal person.”

 

Her eyebrows shoot up. “ _You’re_ Dex? I’ve heard a _lot_ about you.” She gives him a grin, showing all her teeth as she shakes his hand. “I’m Sofia.”

 

Introductions go around while Nursey steadfastly avoids Dex’s eyes--he’s _sure_ Dex wants to know exactly what Nursey’s told Sofia, and like fuck is he having that conversation here--and Lardo leans forward. “So,” she says. “Nursey says you’re at Northeastern?”

 

“Yeah.” Sofia smiles, resting her chin on Maya’s head. “My parents live in Boston, so it made sense for both Derek and I to be close, and Northeastern has a great neuro program. Derek offered to go with me, but I made him do Samwell instead.”

 

Ransom looks affronted. “ _Made_ him?”

 

Nursey winces, embarrassed. “Dude, chill,” he says. “It’s not like that. She thinks I’ll go crazy without hockey or something.”

 

“You _will_ go crazy without hockey,” she corrects, rolling her eyes.

 

“Northeastern has a hockey team, Sofia,” he reminds her. “I could’ve played hockey at Northeastern.”

 

She flicks his ear. “Yeah, except you called them _a bunch of pasty-ass homophobes_ and said you’d rather drop the sport than play with them. _And_ you hated our English department.”

 

“I did hate your English department,” he admits.

 

She gives him the _I told you so_ look that she absolutely got from her mom and that Maya is absolutely going to get from her, and turns back to Ransom. “Anyway, he _loved_ Samwell after the tour he took here, and Shitty Knight went here--you guys know him, right?--so that was another point, and it wasn’t _that_ hard to bully him into it. And it’s only about a twenty minute drive between our schools, so.” She shrugs. “We make it work.”

 

“You two make a lot of stuff work,” Dex says. Nursey squints slightly at him, trying to figure out if that’s a chirp, but Dex looks honestly impressed. “I mean, raising a kid between two cities, being students--”

 

Sofia shrugs. “We have a lot of help,” she says. “Like I said, my parents are local, so that helps. My abuela’s retired, so she babysits for us a lot, and my mom does, too, when she can. And Derek’s moms have helped a ton financially.”

 

Nursey feels his face heat up, but he nods. “I think they really wish they could be closer,” he says. “Helping with rent and expenses while we’re students, I think they just see it as doing what they can.”

 

“And it’s why they’re the best non-mothers-in-law ever,” Sofia says, dropping her head playfully onto his shoulder. She gives a dramatic sigh. “If only I could have brought myself to marry you for your money, Derek.”

 

He pats her cheek. “Thanks, babe.”

 

Bitty looks like he can’t tell whether to be amused or horrified. “Um,” he says. “So you two obviously aren’t together, but--”

 

“What gave it away,” Nursey says dryly, as Sofia picks her head up again with a giggle.

 

“Oh, stop it, Nursey--I just meant, um, it seems like you really like each other a lot, so I guess I’m just--”

 

“I’m a lesbian,” Sofia deadpans.

 

Bitty blinks. “Oh. Well. That’s a good reason.”

 

Holster looks confused. “If you’re a lesbian, how do you have a kid with Nursey?”

 

“Oh my god, you can’t just ask people why they have kids,” Bitty hisses, smacking him, which is such a horrible waste of a _Mean Girls_ reference that Nursey could almost cry, but Sofia just laughs.

 

“It’s fine,” she says. “I was younger, I thought there was still some _interested in dudes_ potential, and if there was going to be any kind of dude potential it was gonna be this guy, and we were best friends, anyway.” She pinches his cheek; he makes a face at her. “We gave it a try for a couple months, it didn’t work out, but the, um, _consequences_ were already consequential.”

 

Nursey winces. “Jesus,” he says. “That was terrible, gimme my kid, this is terrible linguistic role modeling. C’mere, baby.” Maya giggles and lets him pull her into his lap.

 

Sofia sticks her tongue out at him, and turns back to Bitty. “Anyway, we tried to make it work out, but neither of us really felt like having a kid was a good enough reason to stay together, and once I was really sure that whole guy thing wasn’t what I was interested in anyway, we realized we were _definitely_ better as friends.”

 

“Very definitely,” Nursey agrees. It had definitely been his most amicable breakup. Well, really his only breakup, since everything else has just been him leaving people’s bedrooms without giving out his number. “Except when you’re dragging me in front of all the rest of my friends.”

 

“Only because you make it easy,” she says with a grin, and then her face softens. She wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him down to kiss his cheek, and looks at everyone. “I’m really glad you guys all know now,” she says. “Seriously. This is too much for anyone to just handle by themselves. I couldn’t have gotten through my first _month_ at school keeping Maya a secret, and I know it’s different for moms, but it’s been a lot harder on Derek than he’d let you think. It’s been great that you guys all know now.”

 

“ _Sofi_ ,” Nursey hisses at her, alarmed--he’s been trying to play it cool, not let everyone know how much of a weight off his shoulders this has been.

 

Dex is smiling back at her, though, not a grin but a real smile, gentle around the corners of his eyes. “Don’t worry,” he says. “We know he’s not as chill as he acts.”

 

Nursey’s heart flips in his chest at the absolute fondness in Dex’s voice, and he has to swallow hard before he says “ _Traitor_ , who told you?” forcing himself to sound affronted and appalled instead of stupidly love-struck.

 

Ransom snickers at him, then looks at Sofi. “You should totally bring Maya to a game, if you don’t think it’d be too crazy for her. I bet Nursey’d play like crazy if he was trying to get goals for his favorite girl on the planet.”

 

Sofia looks at Nursey. “I don’t know,” she says slowly. “That sounds like I’d have to watch a hockey game. Would I have to watch a hockey game? You know how I feel about sports, Derek.”

 

Nursey raises his eyebrows. “That if women aren’t playing, they’re a waste of your time?”

 

She nods emphatically. “Exactly.”

 

“Okay, _but_ , consider,” Lardo says, holding up one finger as she scrolls through her phone with her other thumb, and then holds out the screen to them, “Samwell sells these tiny hockey jerseys, and how cute would Maya look in one, cheering for her dad?”

 

Sofia leans over to peer at Lardo’s phone, glances at Maya, and Nursey literally _sees_ her melt. “Damn,” she says. “You’re good, Duan.”

 

Ransom snorts. “Girl,” he says. “You have no idea.”

 

 

…

 

 

“Dude,” Ransom teases, as Nursey waves up at the stands from the bench. “You know she probably can’t see you, right?”

 

“Bite me,” Nursey says cheerfully, taking out his mouthguard and taking a long drink from his water bottle. “We’re up three points and my baby girl is watching, I’m having a _great_ night.”

 

His eyes are bright, his face practically glowing, and Dex, next to him, honestly thinks he might get sunburned if he looks at him too long.

 

 _Except_ , because the world apparently hates him, he’s barely been able to take his eyes off Nursey all night, even on the ice. It’s their first game since they found out about Maya, and something in his brain has done this awful clicking thing, from _Nursey’s hot_ to _Nursey’s hot and a dad_ and he’s a fucking nineteen-year-old dude, he’s way too young for this to be a _thing_ that he finds _attractive_. Only it’s not, like, some forty-something-year-old suburban dad, it’s Nursey, who’s his age and a fucking beast on the ice, and now Dex also knows that he can switch from being a motherfucker on the ice to soft and sweet with Maya.

 

Dex’s brain doesn’t know what to do with that. Neither, apparently, does his dick, except for an unfortunate reminder that it’s painful as fuck to skate with half a hard-on.

 

Coach Hall switches the defensive lines in the last two minutes of the game and Dex finds himself back on the ice, Nursey just in his peripheral vision. He forces himself to keep his eyes on the puck when Ollie shoots it to him, getting over the blue line with both of Dartmouth’s d-men at his back. He ducks an attempt at a check and glances up, looking for an opportunity.

 

“Dex, I’m open!”

 

He can’t _see_ Nurse, but he knows his voice and they’re basically fucking psychically connected on the ice at this point, and he knows that tone means _I have a shot at goal pass to me right the fuck now_. He snaps his head up, finds Nursey, and fires the puck at him, and Nursey slaps it in glove side.

 

It’s fucking gorgeous, and Nursey spins towards him, his face all lit up and beautiful as the goal horn blows. Dex throws himself onto Nursey’s shoulders without thinking, and Nursey’s arms come up tight and warm around his waist, Nursey’s laugh bright and joyful in his ear.

 

They win 5 to 2, and Dex floats on air all the way back to the locker room, high off the sound of the crowd and the crush of the celly around him and, if he’s really honest with himself, Nursey’s grin. He showers and changes back into his game suit, running his hands through his hair to settle down the strands.

 

Nursey plops down in the stall next to him, his curls wet and shiny with product. “Hey,” he says, his grin broad. “Sofi’s outside with Maya. Wanna say hi before you leave for the kegster?”

 

Dex blinks, surprised. “Yeah, sure,” he says. “You don’t mind?”

 

“Of course not!” Nursey beams at him. “You’re my goal buddy, bro.” He bumps his shoulder into Dex’s. “C’mon.”

 

Dex grins, and lets Nursey pull him out of the locker room.

 

Sofia’s waiting in the hallway. She’s wearing a Samwell Men’s Hockey t-shirt that definitely isn’t one of Nursey’s, if the way it’s actually cut to fit her is in any indication, and the scrunchie in her hair is Samwell red. She looks bright and beautiful, but Maya, held on her hip, looks fucking _adorable_ in a tiny SMH jersey.

 

“There’s my good luck charm!” Nursey exclaims, reaching for her, just as Maya yells “Baba!” and stretches out her arms for him. He laughs, cuddling her close and kissing her cheek, and Dex can’t help smiling as he watches.

 

Sofia slips her arm through Dex’s. “Aren’t they cute?”

 

“Fuckin’ adorable,” Dex says automatically, and then, realizing what he said, flushes. “Shit, sorry--”

 

Sofia rolls her eyes. “Whatever, if I was worried about her learning to swear, I wouldn’t let Derek bring her around you guys at all ever.” She holds up her phone. “Mírame para poder tomar una foto, cariña!”

 

Maya beams at her, and Nursey, laughing, presses his face close to hers. “Aw, perfect!” Sofia says, snapping the picture. She angles her phone towards Dex. “Instagram-worthy, right?”

  
Dex has no idea what’s instagram-worthy or not, but he nods. “Sure,” he agrees.

 

She grins. “ _So_ cute,” she says. “Dex, you should get in on this, too! D-man picture!”

 

“Oh, uh,” Dex tries to stammer, but Nursey’s face lights up.

 

“Absolutely, Poindexter! C’mon, my best girl and my best dude in one pic, let’s go.” Nursey beckons him over and Sofia gives him a shove. A little hesitantly, Dex slings an arm over Nursey’s shoulders, and Nursey shifts into his space, Maya a radiating beam of brightness and laughter between them.

 

“Oh my god this is so cute,” Sofia says. “Got it!”

 

Dex steps back before he can inhale too much of Nursey’s cologne, and Nursey leans over to try to get a look at the picture. “Lemme see!”

 

She tucks the phone close to her chest. “Nope! Not til it’s posted, it’s too cute for words.”

  
Nursey rolls his eyes, but kisses her cheek and then glances at Dex. “I’d better head out with these two fab ladies,” he says. “Have fun at the kegster, yeah?”

 

Sofia looks surprised. “You’re not going?”

 

“What?” Nursey glances at her, confused. “Of course not? You sat through a hockey game for me, dude, I figure I owe you a movie night in or something.”

 

She rolls her eyes. “You’re _such_ a dork, Derek, oh my God. I brought her because I love you and your stupid face. Also, I would never waste this favor on a movie night, I’m gonna hold out for a dinner with my tíos at _least_. We’ll see you tomorrow for brunch. Say bye to Baba, cariña!” She pinches his cheek and then reaches for Maya, who waves happily at both of them as Sofia carries her down the hallway.

  
“Okay, then,” Nursey says. He looks vaguely shell-shocked for another moment, and then seems to give himself a little shake, turning and grinning at Dex. “Kegster?”

 

“Kegster,” Dex agrees.

 

The notification that he’s been tagged in a picture by Sofia Polanco comes in on his phone an hour later, when he’s in the kitchen with Chowder getting a beer refill. He usually hates how he looks in pictures, but he actually looks almost good--his face happy and grinning, Nursey’s smile broad, and Maya bright and adorable betweeen them in her Samwell jersey. Sofia’s cropped the picture so that it’s mostly just their faces and torsos, the caption, “SMH’s hottest d-pair! chemistry off the charts and the cutest mascot ever!”

 

“Oh my gosh that’s _so_ cute,” Chowder says, peering over his shoulder to look at the picture. “When did you guys take that?”

 

“In the hallway, after the game,” Dex says.

 

It really is a good picture. He tries not to think about how easy it had been to tug Nursey close to him, how smoothly Nursey had angled himself to fit against him, how Maya had smiled brightly up at him before Nursey had stepped away.

 

He hesitates, fighting with himself for half a second, and then thinks _fuck it_ and saves the picture to his phone.

 

Chowder snorts. “Wow,” he says. “You’re really fucked, aren’t you?”

 

Dex feels his face heat and shoves his phone into his pocket. “Shut up, Chowder.”

 

(He’s _so_ fucked.)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dex has feelings! Nursey has feelings! There was a past hookup with a ~complicated~ aftermath! WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
> 
> Actually, full disclosure, I have no idea how to do end notes when I'm not apologizing for a giant pile of angst or hiding from a pile of smut; how do people do this? 
> 
> This fic is gonna be a four-chapter romcom, with about as many tropes. Woo! Get excited, y'all.


	2. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nursey sighs. “I don’t have my my life together like you do,” he admits. “I know you can balance a school, and Maya, and a relationship, but I just--I know myself, and I just can’t."
> 
> “With the right person, it doesn’t feel like you’re juggling,” Sofia says. "With the right person, it’s like--It’s having someone to help you carry everything you’re carrying. It’s distributing the weight.”
> 
> "I'll think about it," Nursey says. "I'll think about it. Okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a month between updates i have no excuse don't look at me here have a 10k chapter to make up for it I'M SORRY

 

 

“So,” Sofia says. “I have to tell you a thing.”

 

Nursey raises his eyebrows, pushing Maya’s stroller along the path in Centennial Common. Family Wednesdays are a rule--they always make sure to do something together on Wednesday nights, especially during the school year, so that Maya gets to spend time with both of them. It’s probably not _really_ necessary to schedule it, they hang out all the time anyway, but it helps to have the routine. “Okay,” he says. “Tell me a thing.”

 

A gust of wind sweeps up, bringing the early December chill with it, and Sofia shivers, hooking her arm through Nursey’s and leaning close to him. “It’s, um. About me and Malaya?”

 

“Okay,” he says again. Malaya is Sofia’s girlfriend--they’ve been dating for just over a year now, and Sofia’s heads over heels for her. Not that Nursey can blame her, really; Malaya is five-foot-nothing of rugby-bruised knuckles and wicked grins, raps like a champ, and melts into a puddle of goo around Maya.

 

Sofia starts chewing her bottom lip, her expression uncertain, and Nursey rolls his eyes, tugging at her beanie. “Babe,” he says. “C’mon. Just say it.”

 

“I think she might move in with me,” she says in a rush. “During break.”

 

Her cheeks are flushed a dark pink under her highlighter, and she’s refusing to meet his eyes. “Oh, honey,” Nursey sighs. “Come here.”

 

He uses their linked arms to pull her over to the nearest park bench, putting the brake on Maya’s stroller and sitting down. Sofia scoops Maya out and busies herself with putting her on her lap, fussing with her hat and not looking at him. “ _Sof_ ,” Nursey says. “Sof, come on. Are you freaking out about this happening or about telling me?”

 

Sofia adjusts Maya’s mitten--Maya indulges her without squirming, though she makes a face when Sofia tucks a few of her curls under her hat--and then sighs. “I don’t know,” she says. “Both?”

 

Nursey snorts. “Okay, fair.” He reaches into the diaper bag to find Dragon and hands it to Maya. “I thought Malaya’s in the dorms?”

 

“She is,” Sofia says, poking the toes of her boots into the frost on the grass. “But she doesn’t love the dorm drama? And she, um.” She bites her lip.

 

Nursey pokes her. “Hey,” he says. “Come on.”

 

Sofia looks down at Maya, idly brushing her hair back. “She wants to be around for Maya more,” she says. “I mean, she sees her most nights that I have her, and obviously mornings if she stays over, but it’s not the same. And we’ve been talking about next steps anyway--” Her cheek hollows, and Nursey knows she’s biting it, a nervous habit. “Like, I know we’re young, but I don’t _feel_ young in the same way that I would if, like, one of my friends without a kid told me she was going to do this? I just--”

 

She’s rambling a little, like she always does when she’s nervous, and Nursey cuts her some slack. “Sofi, I’m not your mom,” he says gently, nudging her. “You don’t have to justify your choices to me.”

 

She looks relieved, but still hesitant. “I mean, I do, sort of,” she says. “It’s someone else living with your kid, parenting your kid. You deserve _some_ say.” She knocks her shoulder into his. “I’d want you to run it by me if you were gonna move in with someone, I just happen to have dodged that bullet because you never _date_.”

 

“First of all, ouch,” Nursey says, making a face at her. “Uncalled for. Second of all, I just--” He stops.

 

He actually doesn’t _have_ a _second of all_.

 

“Yeah,” Sofia says, though she doesn’t sound smug. “That’s what I thought.” She softens her voice. “Derek, you haven’t dated anyone since we broke up right after graduation. You need to get back _out there_.”

 

She puts a pointed emphasis on the last two words, and he rolls his eyes. “I’ve gotten _out there_ , Sof.”

 

“I don’t mean hooking up at gross hockey parties, Derek,” she retorts. “I mean an actual relationship.”

 

Nursey shakes his head, watching Maya chew on Dragon’s wing. She’s looking past him, at a few kids playing with a brightly colored ball a couple yards away. “I don’t…” He sighs. “I don’t have my sh--my life together like you do,” he admits. “I know you can balance a school, and Maya, and a relationship, but I just--I know myself, and I just can’t. Maya comes first, and school and hockey, and trying to keep my brain together, I…” He shakes his head again. “It’s too much to juggle.”

 

Sofia sighs. She picks up Maya and hands her to him, and he settles her into his lap automatically while Sofia shifts closer to put an arm around him. She’s quiet for a few minutes, just leaning against him, and he takes a few deep breaths. Maya tilts her head back to look up at him, and then leans back against his chest. He reaches down and she curls her hand around two of his fingers.

 

“With the right person, it doesn’t feel like you’re juggling,” Sofia says finally. “And I know you have a ton of stuff going on, Der, you’re my best friend, I know you better than anyone. But with the right person, it’s like--It’s having someone to help you carry everything you’re carrying. It’s distributing the weight.” She lifts her head off his shoulder and smiles faintly. “And I just--I don’t want you to spend all of college bouncing from hookup to hookup because you think you’re too messed up to date.”

 

Nursey chews the inside of his cheek, rubbing his thumb over her shoulder, and then makes a face at her. “I’ll think about it,” he says. “Okay?”

 

“Good enough,” she says. She pats his arm and takes Maya from his lap. “And,” she says, “now that I’ve done a bunch of emotional labor for you, _you’re welcome_ , you can go buy me a hot chocolate from that vendor over there.”

 

He snorts. “Fair enough,” he says, and gets to his feet.

 

It’s not like he’s actually going to date anytime soon. But it’s nice to know that at least someone--and someone whose opinion he actually cares about--thinks he wouldn’t fuck up his entire life if he tried.

…

 

Dex’s phone rings at six-thirty on a Tuesday, which is a really weird time for his phone to ring--no one really _calls_ him except his family, and six to seven-thirty is prime dinner time in the Poindexter house. It takes him a few minutes to dig his phone out from under the piles of notes he’s going over, and he answers it without looking at the display to try and catch it before it goes to voicemail. “Hello?”

 

“Hey--Dex?”

 

He blinks, straightening up in his desk chair. “Nursey?”

 

“Yeah.” Nursey sounds breathless and a little rushed. “Hey, dude--Can I ask you a _huge_ favor?”

 

“Uh…” Dex leans back again, confused. “You can ask, sure.”

 

“My department’s having a thing tonight and I need to be there, but my babysitter just called and told me she has the flu,” Nursey says. “I know it’s super last minute, but Sofia has a night class on Tuesdays and her girlfriend has a migraine so she can’t watch her, is there _any_ way you could--”

 

“Dude,” Dex interrupts. “Sure, yeah. Lemme check the shuttle schedule, okay? What time do you need me there?”

 

“Um. ASAP?”

 

Dex pulls the Samwell Shuttle schedule up on his laptop. “I can catch the 6:45 and get to you by seven, does that work?”

 

“That’s perfect.” Nursey’s voice sounds flooded with relief. “Dude, thank you _so_ much, seriously, you’re a fucking lifesaver--”

 

“Bro,” Dex interrupts. “I gotta get my stuff together if I’m gonna get the shuttle, and I can’t do that if I’m on the phone with you.”

 

“Right,” Nursey says quickly. “Right. Sorry. I’ll, um. See you soon?”

 

“See you,” Dex says, and hangs up.

 

The sudden silence in his room feels strange, and he sighs. “Right,” he says to himself, and starts shoving his homework back into folders to put in his backpack.

 

Nursey greets him at his apartment door twenty-five minutes later looking flustered and hugely relieved to see him. He’s wearing slacks and a button-down, a tie looped but undone around his neck, and he has Maya, squirming and looking decidedly grumpy, on his hip. “Dude,” he says. “I’m so glad you’re here. You’re literally my lifesaver right now.”

 

Dex shrugs. “What are friends for, right?” He smiles at Maya. “Hi, Maya.” She stuffs Dragon’s entire head in her mouth and puts her face in Nursey’s shoulder, and Dex raises his eyebrows. “She okay?”

 

“She can tell when I’m stressed,” Nursey says apologetically. “And then she gets stressed. I--She should be okay, but fair warning, she’s gonna cry when I leave. She’ll stop, but like--it’s gonna suck and I’m sorry. I apologize in advance.”

 

“It’s alright.” Dex tries to look reassuring as he closes the door behind him and drops his backpack. “We’ll be okay, won’t we, Maya?”

 

Maya picks her head up. She doesn’t seem convinced, but she lets Nursey hand her over to Dex. Dex follows Nursey into the kitchen. “So, uh--how long’re you gonna be gone?”

 

“I should be back by nine. Nine-thirty at the latest,” Nursey says, absently doing up his tie. “She’s already eaten and it’s not a bath night, so you shouldn’t have too much trouble with her. I wrote down her bedtime routine for you--” He taps at a piece of notebook paper on the kitchen counter. “But honestly if she’s totally squirmy and you can’t get her to bed, it’s fine and I can put her down when I can get home.”

 

Dex nods, scanning the paper and making sure he can read Nursey’s chicken-scratch handwriting. He squints. “What’s airplane milk?”

 

Nursey peers down at the sheet like he’s trying to interpret his own penmanship. “Oh. Yeah, sorry, I forget--She’s got this one sippy cup that has airplanes on it. Anything in that is ‘airplane milk.’”

 

Dex snorts. “Cute.”

 

“She can be,” Nursey says, but his eyes are warm. “Emergency numbers are on the fridge--pediatric on-call, poison control, Sofia, Sofi’s parents, my moms. Any info you’d need to give a doctor’s on there, too--full name, birthday, our insurance information.” His lips twitch up. “Not that I think you’ll need it, but, y’know. Standard babysitter info.”

 

“Okay,” Dex says, bouncing Maya lightly on his hip. He feels a little...awed, he guesses, at the ease at which Nursey rattles this stuff off, like it’s just routine for him. Like he knows--of course, this is insurance, this is a pediatrician, this is _poison control_ , what the fuck, but no worries, everything’ll be fine--

 

“Dex?”

 

“Yeah,” Dex says automatically, and then blinks a few times, realizing that Nursey is looking at him, his eyebrows raised. “Yeah, I just--You’ve kinda got this dad thing down, you know?”

 

Nursey parts his lips, and then he ducks his head, smiling faintly. “Thanks,” he says. “I--That’s nice to hear, man.”

 

They spend a moment, just in uncertain, smiling quiet. And then Nursey glances at his watch and sucks in a breath. “Shi--damn,” he says. “I gotta get going.” He holds out his arms for Maya. “Come here, hayiti.”

 

Maya stretches out to climb into his arms, and Nursey gives her a hug. “You be a good girl for Dex, okay?” he tells her, his lips against her hair. “I’ll be home after bedtime. 'iinaa ahbk, baby.” He kisses her cheek, and then her nose, and then passes her back to Dex. “Alright,” he says. “I’m heading out.” He smiles. “You’re my literal favorite person, man.”

 

Dex grins. “So you tell me,” he says. “Go on. Good luck with your thing, whatever it is.”

 

Nursey laughs, kisses Maya’s cheek again, and leaves.

 

The door closes behind him.

 

“Okay,” Dex tells Maya. She looks up at him. “So, you don’t have to start getting ready for bed yet. Why don’t we see what we could play with? Or read a book? Or--”

 

Maya looks at the closed door, and then at him, and then at the closed door, and then bursts into tears.

 

Twenty minutes later, Maya’s still wailing and Dex is _freaking the fuck out_. He has little cousins, sure, but they hang out in huge family gatherings and he’s used to being able to hand them off to aunts and uncles when they start seriously crying, and their parents know what to do to get them to stop.

 

But Nursey’s not here, and he knows Sofia’s in class and he doesn’t _really_ want to bother her since he’s pretty sure Maya’s just flipping because she wants her dad, but Dex has tried everything--talking to her, singing to her, trying to distract her, and _nothing_.

 

He gives up, and calls his mom.

 

Because _one_ thing is going right, his mom picks up on the second ring. “Hi, Billy!” she says warmly. “How are you?”

 

Dex bounces Maya a little desperately, cradling his phone between his ear and his shoulder. “Not great,” he says. “I need your help?”

 

There’s a beat of silence on the other end of the line. “Billy,” says his mother. “Is that a crying baby?”

 

“Uh. Yes.”

 

He can _hear_ her skepticism. “Why on earth--”

 

“I’m babysitting,” he says quickly. “And my friend’s kid has been crying since he left like twenty minutes ago and I’ve tried everything that seems normal but she won’t stop and--”

 

“ _Billy_ ,” she interrupts. He stops talking. “How old is she?”

 

“Almost two.”

 

“And she’s not wet or anything, or hungry?”

 

“No.”

 

His mother clicks her tongue. “Then she’s probably just sad, baby,” she says sympathetically. “You used to cry for over an hour when we’d leave you with a sitter.”

 

Dex feels his face heat up, even though there’s no one to hear that. “But she’s _crying_ , mom,” he says. “What am I supposed to--”

 

“Oh, honey,” his mother says. “Just hold her, unless she asks to be put down, and talk to her, and let her cry herself out. She’ll be fine. Give her something to drink when she’s all cried out, some juice or milk, whatever her parents say is okay. Did they tell you?”

 

“Uh--yeah,” Dex says, feeling a little less frazzled, even though Maya’s still crying. She hasn’t, he realizes now, tried to get out of his arms. She’s been wailing nonstop, and has thrown Dragon to the floor a few times and cried louder until he’s picked it up for her again, but every time he’s tried to put her down to see if she’d be happier playing on her own, she’s clung to him with a vice grip. “She gets milk before bed.”

 

“Well, then, there you go, sweetheart. You’ll be just fine.” He can hear the amusement in her voice. “This is probably more stressful for you than it is for her.” She pauses. “When you’re done with your new babysitting gig, we’ll chat about why you sound like this is the most important thing you’ve ever done in your life.”

 

Dex flushes redder, suddenly _very_ glad she can’t see him, and sways Maya back and forth. “Watching kids is always important! You’re the one who told me that!”

 

“Mmhm,” his mother says, a knowing note in her voice that makes him decidedly uncomfortable. “Love you, honey.”

 

“Bye, Ma,” he says, and worms his phone out from under his ear, tossing it to the couch. “Okay,” he says to Maya, who lets out another ear-splitting wail. He winces. He _really_ hopes that none of Nursey’s neighbors are thinking about calling the cops. “Okay, Maya, okay.”

 

Huffing out a sigh, he sits down on the couch, rearranging Maya on his lap. “Okay,” he says again. “Maya, I get it. You miss your dad, and you’re really sad that he left, and I’m not your usual babysitter and that’s weird and different and you don’t like it. So it’s okay if you wanna just cry, okay? And I’ll just...sit here with you, I guess.”

 

Maya sucks in a breath and lets out another heaving sob, but it’s a little quieter now, like she’s starting to lose steam. Her fingers are tightly fisted in the collar of his t-shirt, and he shifts to rub her back in what he hopes is a soothing motion.

 

“It’s okay,” he repeats, gentling his voice as much as he can. It’s a weird feeling--even with as many cousins as he has, he’s gotten used to the hockey team, where he has to be loud if he wants to be heard, even if _loud_ doesn’t necessarily mean _rough_. “I’m right here with you, baby girl. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

 

It takes another ten minutes, but slowly, slowly, Maya quiets, until she’s resting quietly in his arms, her head a heavy weight on his shoulder. Her cheek sticks tear-tacky to his neck, but Dex carefully doesn’t jostle her--he’s pretty sure she’s asleep, if the slow, steady rise and fall of her breathing is any indication. Moving as slowly as he can so as not to startle her, he shifts to lie down on the couch, arranging her so that she’s tucked into the crook of his arm and nestled against his chest, breathing soft into his neck.

 

He doesn’t mean to fall asleep.

 

The pressure of someone trying to gently pull Maya from his arms wakes him, and he startles, tightening his grip automatically.

 

“Shh,” Nursey says softly above him. “You’re okay.”

 

Dex relaxes, loosening his arms so that Nursey can take Maya’s sleeping weight from him and hoist her gently onto his own shoulder, and then flushes with embarrassment. “Shit,” he says. “I wasn’t asleep--”

 

Nursey chuckles, shaking his head. “Sure you weren’t,” he says. He sways gently, rubbing Maya’s back. “How was she?”

 

Dex sits up, running his hand through his hair. “She cried,” he says. “A lot. Until she passed out.” He tactfully leaves out calling his mom.

 

“She can get like that with a new sitter, I should’ve warned you.” Nursey smiles a little ruefully. “I’m gonna go put her down, okay? I’ll be right back.”

 

He disappears down the hall to Maya’s room, and Dex slumps back against the couch. He glances at his phone to check the time--9:17--and sees a text from Nursey from fifteen minutes ago letting him know he was on his way home. He rubs a hand over his face.

 

Nursey comes back a few minutes later, baby monitor in hand. “Out like a light,” he reports, plopping down next to Dex. He smiles, his green eyes soft and tired. “Thank you so much for tonight, man. I really, _really_ appreciate it.”

 

Dex swallows and bumps his shoulder against Nursey’s. He puts on his most casual smile. “What are friends for, right?”

 

“Among other things,” Nursey says, and something flutters in Dex’s stomach.

 

…

 

The holidays are always busy and a little complicated. They spend Christmas with Sofia’s family, because they’re Catholic and actually celebrate it, and Sofi’s parents and aunts and uncles and grandmother fuss over Maya and ask about Nursey’s progress at school and interrogate both Nursey and Sofia about their dating lives (with no small amount of implication that it would be _so great_ for Maya if they got back together, _wouldn’t it_?)

 

After the Christmas absurdity dies down, they head to New York for New Years’ with Nursey’s family, and he can’t lie and say that he doesn’t prefer it. He _loves_ Sofia’s family, he does, but after a few days of crowded meals and visits with extended family, he starts yearning for the quiet of his own apartment.

 

The relative peace of his parents’ New York brownstone is a welcome substitute, though--his family is close-knit and small, and his extended family gets together for Eid, so the secular holidays are just his moms and his sister, sometimes his dad. It’s like day and night between his place and Sofi’s, but he can’t say their families don’t complement each other.

 

Especially on New Year’s Eve.

 

“Derek! Where have you gotten off to with my granddaughter?”

 

Sitting on the floor of the guest-room-turned-nursery with Maya, Sofia, and Sofia’s girlfriend Malaya--is it hiding from a semi-fancy party if they can pass it off as parenting?--Nursey rolls his eyes and leans toward the door. “Up in Maya’s room, Ammi!” he calls down the stairs.

 

He hears footsteps, and then his mother pokes her head into the room. “There you all are,” she says. “You should come downstairs and mingle, the party’s still going and people want to meet the baby.”

 

Nursey makes a face. “Ammi, we’re like. So tired.”

 

She rolls her eyes, the color of her eye makeup a pretty compliment to the deep purple of her hijab. “You kids are _nineteen_ ,” she says. “I realize that parenting is exhausting, but it’s not even ten. Come. Give me the baby, and go downstairs. Your half-sisters want to see you, Derek, and you owe your father at least a conversation.” She bends down and smoothly scoops Maya into her arms, trilling her lips as she does, and Maya squeals with delight.

 

Nursey hauls himself miserably to his feet, giving Sofia a dirty look when she gives him a smug _you have to socialize and I don’t_ grin, and his mother pauses at the doorway, glancing over his shoulder. “Sofi, I mentioned to Rami’s parents that you’re studying neuro, and his father would _love_ to talk to you about some of the research he’s doing at Columbia, so there’s plenty for you two to do downstairs, too. Come on, munchkins.”

 

Sofia’s face falls into a pout. Malaya bursts out giggling. Like ducklings, the three of them follow Nursey’s mom down the stairs.

 

His parents’ annual New Year’s Eve party is a small but bustling affair--Nursey’s moms; his sister’s boyfriend’s parents; Nursey’s dad and step-mom and their two daughters, Cassidy and Alexis; a few family friends. It’s not a _bad_ party, really, nothing like the more shmoozy fundraising galas his moms have to go to for work or that he’d been to from time to time as a “student representative” of Andover. But he’s distinctly in the “kids” category here, even though he and Sofia are parents--all people want to talk to him about is school and his grades. It’s nothing like the easy relaxation of a SMH kegster, where he can just relax and be himself, with no _expectations_.

 

“Derek.”

 

The familiar voice makes him pause by the collection of bottles and glasses his mama set up on the breakfast bar. He swallows, takes a breath, and turns. “Hey, Dad.”

His father smiles wryly and offers him a glass of amber liquid. “Cheers, son.”

 

Nursey takes the glass, raising it to his nose. He raises his eyebrows. “Bourbon?”

 

“Seems like if you’re old enough to parent, you’re old enough to drink,” he says. He puts an arm around Nursey’s shoulders. “Maya looks good. Happy.”

 

“Thanks. I like to think she is.” Nursey sips his drink and looks across the room to where Maya is still in his mom’s arms, gesturing delightedly and babbling to Nursey’s sister and her boyfriend. “Thanks for her birthday present.” Maya had turned two back in December, and his father had sent a set of Dr. Seuss books, translated into Spanish. “We’ve already started with some of the easier ones.”

 

His father’s face lights up. “I’m glad to hear it.”

 

They stand together in an uncertain silence for a few minutes. It’s been like this for a long time between them--things had been distant, after the divorce, and it had stung, a lot, when Nursey had watched his dad be a much more attentive father to his half-siblings than he had been to Nursey or Farah when they were younger, even though he’d known, intellectually, that a lot of it was due to different circumstances, not a lack of love.

 

But there had years of resentment, and eventually, his dad had stopped pushing for Nursey and Farah to spend their time with him instead of with their mom. It had taken Maya’s birth for Nursey to realize that as much as his mothers’ parenting advice was invaluable, he just...wanted his dad.

 

Still, twelve years of strained phone calls and awkward visits and tense silences don’t ease quickly, and conversation is still difficult between them, even though Nursey knows they’re both working on it.

 

He takes another sip and nudges his dad’s shoulder gently. “How’re the girls,” he says, because it’s an easy way in, and his dad launches into a story about Cassie’s latest science project. She’s got all the math-and-science genes that skipped him and Farah, Nursey thinks fondly, glancing across the room at his half-sister, who’s stolen Maya from his mom and has snuck her back to the corner where her sister, Alexis, must have been gleefully waiting for time with their niece. They’re good, sweet kids, and Nursey loves them, for all he doesn’t see them often.

 

By the time midnight rolls around he’s pleasantly buzzed, having downed a drink and a half with his dad and another one with Farah, who convinced everyone that grad school turned her into a classy drinker (lies, Nursey gets her 2am Snaps), so they did a shot of Chivas and not Fireball. Maya’s long since gone to bed, sung to sleep by Nursey and Sofia, Nursey’s mama recording none-too-subtly from the guest room door, and so he’s off parenting duty save for the baby monitor clipped to the back pocket of his slacks.

 

It’s a little weird that he’s the only person other than his twelve- and fourteen-year-old half-sisters who doesn’t have someone to kiss when the ball drops, and he’s just starting to think about feeling a little sorry for himself and wondering about the possibilities of sneaking one of the unopened bottles of champagne upstairs with him when his phone starts buzzing. He blinks, a little surprised given that pretty much everyone who ever calls him is here, and takes it out of his pocket.

 

He raises his eyebrows at the caller ID, and then swipes to answer the FaceTime request. Dex’s face, alcohol-flushed and grinning, fills his screen. “Hey, bro,” he says, walking back towards the stairs to find some quiet. “Happy New Year.”

 

“Happy New Year!” Dex beams at him. He has a party hat slightly askew on his hair. Nursey finds himself biting back a grin. “You’re not wearing a hat.”

 

Nursey feels his lips curl up even further. “We don’t really do hats at the Torres-Nurse annual New Year’s party, Poindexter,” he says. “I like yours, though.”

 

Dex laughs, unselfconscious and bright. Wherever he is, it’s dark--Nursey thinks he might be outside; he can see the puffy collar of Dex’s jacket around his neck. “My mom’s idea,” she says. “She makes us wear them every year.”

 

He lifts something bright to his lips, and Nursey startles. “What the fuck, Dex, are you _smoking_?”

 

Another laugh. “No. I mean, yeah, but--weed, not, like, cigarettes. My cousin left me half a joint before he went off with his girlfriend for a _private party_.” He waggles his eyebrows significantly, and Nursey snorts, relaxing and trying not to think about why the idea of Dex putting tar and nicotine into his body had sent a rush of horror coiling through his own veins.

 

“Anyway, I…” Dex takes another drag and exhales smoke, and then looks back, his eyes soft. “I just--I know it’s weird, but I just, uh. Everyone’s doing the couple thing and I know the groupchat’s gonna go crazy in a few minutes, but I just…” He shrugs a shoulder. “I wanted to see you, I guess.” He looks suddenly awkward. “That’s weird, isn’t it? It’s weird.”

 

He looks uncertain, his honey eyes liquor-soft and weed-warm, and Nursey wants suddenly, achingly, to be wherever he is, even if it’s cold enough that his breath is visible through the screen when he exhales, just to be _close_ to him. To have enough of his shit together to let himself have that. He swallows. “It’s not weird,” he says. “I’m glad you called.”

 

And then, because some stupid part of him will never stop being an optimist, he says, “Hey, maybe next year, you could come down to New York. Be my party buddy.” He does his best to keep his grin easy, to keep the yearning in his chest out of his voice.

 

Dex’s lips part, and he’s quiet for a moment, and then he smiles. “I’d--that’d be good.”

 

They look at each other, through the screens of their phones, and the poetic part of Nursey thinks that there’s something symbolic about this, holding each other in their hands. He tells himself he’s too tipsy to let himself wander down that road, though, and forces a grin. “You gotta leave that party hat home, though. This is a classy joint.”

 

“No deal,” Dex says immediately, but his eyes are bright, and he’s smiling with all his teeth. “I’m bringing one for you, too.”

 

…

 

When he gets to the Haus for the SMH Welcome Back Brunch after winter break, Dex has to blink a few times and squint to make sure he’s looking at the right room.

 

“Yo, Poindexter!” Ransom calls happily from the clean-- _clean!!!_ \--couch, where he’s lounging with Holster. “Glad you made it!”

 

Dex waves, still a little baffled. He kicks the rest of the snow off his boots on the doormat and comes inside, closing the door behind him, and hangs up his coat in time for Ransom to barrel into him in a hug. “Oof,” he grunts, but grins into Ransom’s shoulder. “Good to see you, too.”

 

“I missed you, ya angry ginger motherfucker,” Ransom says, giving him a rough noogie and then leaving him to Holster’s enthusiastic mercy.

 

Holster’s hug actually sweeps him off the floor, which is kind of to be expected, but when he’s got his feet on the ground again and has caught his breath, Dex manages to gesture around the room. “So,” he says, and then, as eloquently as always, decides to go with, “What the actual fuck?”

 

Ransom grins, flopping back down on the couch. “I _know_ , right? Bits fucking deep-cleaned. Like, legit, I think he had the _couch_ cleaned, even. All the stains are gone. Even the weird smelly one.”

 

Holster leans forward conspiratorially. “I think he got Jack to replace it,” he says, lowering his voice. “But he won’t say it because Shits will literally cry. He thinks it’s part of his legacy.”

 

Dex settles himself cross-legged on the (swept???) floor. “The couch, or the stains?”

 

“Honest to fuck, dude, who even knows.” Ransom grins. “All for a good cause, though. He wants Nursey to feel like he can bring Maya by without her getting tetanus or gonorrhea or some shit.”

 

“Oh.” Dex thinks about that, and realizes that Nursey _hasn’t_ ever brought Maya into the Haus--he only ever hangs out here on the days he doesn’t have her, and that probably sucks for him. “That’s nice of Bitty. We should help out, keep the place cleaner.” He pauses, and then frowns. “Wait. What the fuck am I saying, I don’t even fucking _live here_.”

 

Holster sighs. “Damn,” he says, looking at Ransom. “We were so close.”

 

Dex flips him off, then leans back against his palms. “So where’s everyone else? I know I’m a little early, but I figured Chowder and Lards’d be here, at least.”

  
“Jack and Bits are in the kitchen,” Ransom says. “We got kicked out after we suggested putting sriracha in the quiche--”

 

“Which I still think would be delicious,” Holster cuts in.

 

“--and Chow and Lards are making a murder run because Bitty’s worried he’ll run out of eggs if the fourth liners show up, even though they like, never show up to shit outside of practice.” He pauses. “Which, TBH, is probably why they are still on fourth line, because they aren’t really interested in team dynamics, but you didn’t hear that shit from me.”

 

Holster kicks him. “No captaining at brunch,” he says sternly. Ransom rolls his eyes, but drops the subject, turning back to Dex and striking up a conversation about his break instead.

 

Chowder and Lardo come home about ten minutes later, snow-dusted and laden down with shopping bags full of eggs, sugar, and flour, and Chowder nearly drops all of his so that he can tackle Dex in a hug. Once he rescues Chowder’s eggs from certain death and succumbs to what Chowder seems to consider an acceptable amount of goalie snuggles, Dex finally makes his way into the kitchen. “Hey, Bitty,” he says, holding up the grocery bags. “Delivery.”

 

Bitty turns away from the oven to grin at him. “Thanks, Dex,” he says. “Jack, take those out in five minutes, okay?” Jack gives him a smile that’s basically the visual equivalent of a _yes dear_ and Dex snorts, putting the bags down on the table and accepting Bitty’s hug. “How was your break? You were quiet in the group chat.”

 

“Had a billion cousins around,” Dex says, which is true. “And my mom has a no-phones-at-family-functions rule.” Also true, though he tends to break that rule, because he’s shameless enough to admit--at least to himself--that he’s totally addicted to Nursey’s instagram account and its plentiful baby pictures, because he gave up on any sense of denial a long time ago.

 

“Well, we missed your particular brand of meme-based humor,” Bitty says. “You and Nursey usually feed off each other, it’s not as funny if he doesn’t have you to egg him on.”

 

“I don’t egg him on,” Dex protests.

 

“Not intentionally, maybe,” Jack says dryly.

 

There’s a commotion in the living room, a clatter of footsteps and a rush of voices, and Dex hears a familiar childish giggle of delight. Bitty’s head snaps up, his face lighting. “That must be Nursey and Maya!” he exclaims, rushing out of the kitchen.

 

Dex raises his eyebrows, trying to pretend that his own heart isn’t pounding. He swallows, and turns to Jack, who’s looking after Bitty with a fond look in his eyes. “How are you managing the baby fever?” he asks.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jack says, deadpan. He lifts a foot and gives Dex’s ass a firm nudge towards the door. “Go say hi, I’ll be there in a minute. I have to look after these pies.”

 

“You just want the first slice,” Dex grumbles, but he heads out into the living room anyway.

 

Nursey’s mostly hidden in the throng of hugs, but Dex can hear his laugh as he talks, and it makes something flutter in his chest as he moves closer. “I can’t believe how much you guys cleaned this place up, Jesus! It doesn’t even look like the same Haus!”

 

“All for you, you responsible motherfucker,” Holster says, slinging an arm around him. Nursey rolls his eyes, and Holster has the decency to look a little abashed. “Sorry.”

 

Maya, still in her snowsuit and propped on Nursey’s hip, seems to catch sight of Dex suddenly, because her face brightens up and she stretches her arms out. “Des!” she shrieks. “Des Des Des!”

 

Nursey looks over, and their eyes meet. He looks good, Dex thinks, before self-preservation can kick in and stop the thought; his hair snow-tousled and mussed where his beanie doesn’t cover it, his green eyes sparkling with the joy that always comes with being surrounded by the team and in the Haus. He has a scarf around his neck, but Dex can still see it when he swallows. “Hey,” he says, and it’s vague, but Dex knows it’s directed at him.

 

“Hey,” he says back.

 

Nursey opens his mouth, like he wants to say something else, and then he closes it and hitches Maya a little higher on his hip. “Hey,” he says again.

 

Dex smiles, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Hey.”

 

“Oh my actual god,” Chowder says, stepping between them. “You’re killing me. Come play with Uncle Chowder, Maya, I bought you a shark!” He plucks Maya out of Nursey’s arms, and the motion seems to startle Nursey out of whatever half-daze he’s gotten into.

 

“Hey,” he protests. “Chowder--C, _hey_ , you can’t just _kidnap my kid_ , dude, what the hell--”

 

He scrambles to hang up his jacket and follow Chowder up the stairs, leaving Dex staring after him, half-frozen.

 

A hand claps down on his shoulder, and Dex startles. Jack gives him a wry smile, and holds out a fork and plate with a steaming piece of pie. “Here,” he says. “You look like you need this.”

 

His expression is way too knowing for Dex’s liking. Dex sighs, and takes the plate. “Thanks,” he says.

 

The pie burns his mouth, but maybe that’s a good thing--if his tongue hurts, maybe he’ll stop wanting to shove it into Nursey’s mouth. The thought makes him wince--when did he become the kind of asshole who pines like this?--and he eats another bite of pie.

 

It still burns. He thinks it kind of helps.

 

…

 

Nursey turns twenty in February, and SMH throws him what Rans and Holster promise him will be the “kegster to end all kegsters.”

 

“Yikes,” Nursey’d said, and called Sofia to make sure she was cool with taking Maya for the night, and the next day while he dealt with the inevitable hangover. She’d cackled at him for a total of five minutes before telling him she’d do it.

 

He’d hung up feeling very, very judged.

 

True to their word, though, Rans and Holster throw a damn good party. They even manage to invite a bunch of his friends from his classes--he’s not sure how they did that, but then he remembers that Ransom’s Facebook friends with pretty much all of campus, so that’d probably do it. The music is less _get everyone laid_ than a usual kegster, but there’s still a great dance beat, and someone lets him know that Whiskey had a hand in the playlist, along with Rochelle, one of the girls in Nursey’s Black Feminist Theory and Thought class.

 

It’s a good night. He doesn’t get wasted--he’s trying not to do that as much anymore; now that the team knows about Maya, they take Nursey Patrol a lot more seriously, and lecture with a lot more concern--but he gets tipsy and warm and loose-limbed. He dances with a few different guys, a few different girls. Once, someone gets close enough to kiss him, but he turns away at the last moment, and their lips brush his neck instead of his mouth.

 

The contact on his bare skin is still enough to set his blood to heating--it’s been a _long_ time--but this isn’t...this isn’t what he wants, a dance floor hookup, a face he doesn’t know. He _knows_ what he wants (who he wants, the voice in the back of his head needles at him), and the truth of it courses through him as hot as the liquor burning through his veins.

 

Nursey swallows, and steps away from his partner. “Gonna get some air,” he says when the guy tries to follow, yelling to be heard over the music. “Thanks for the dance.”

 

Disappointment is clear on the guy’s features, but he shrugs, and smiles. “Thank _you_ ,” he says, and leans over, smacking a kiss onto Nursey’s cheek. “Happy birthday, bro.”

 

It takes Nursey a second to remember the ridiculous _kiss me it’s my birthday_ button Rans and Holster had pinned to his v-neck when he’d walked into the Haus that night. No fewer than twenty people have kissed him tonight--most of them pretty innocently going for his cheeks or nose, though Shitty had planted a rather wet one on his lips--but Nursey had forgotten the button once he’d gotten into the crowd on the dance floor. “Thanks,” he says, and worms his way out of the crowd.

 

Weaving through the throng on the first floor--and dodging another makeout attempt from Shitty as he does, with some help from Lardo, who grabs him around the waist to restrain him, rolling her eyes and shooting Nursey an apologetic, if vaguely amused, look--he slips under the CAUTION tape that ropes off the stairs and sneaks away from the main party. It’s a lot quieter upstairs, even with the heavy bass still vibrating through the floor and walls, but he exhales a sigh.

 

He’ll just take a little break. No one’ll even miss him.

 

The Reading Room seems like the best bet to both get some peace and quiet and cool off a little, so he snags a hoodie from Chowder’s room and heads through the bathroom to Lardo’s. It's easy habit to wiggle the window open and shimmy through onto the roof, and he’s so in the zone that that he doesn't even notice there’s someone else there until--

 

“Nursey?”

 

Nursey yelps and flails, nearly toppling off the overhang before someone shoots out a hand and grabs his arm. “Jesus _fuck_ ,” Nursey says, adrenaline making him gasp as he grabs at the fingers that probably just saved his life. “What the _shit_ , don't scare me like that!”

 

Dex pulls him back to safety, the light from Lardo’s room illuminating his wide, worried eyes. “Well, I didn't think you’d fall off the fucking roof, Nursey, Jesus!” He lets go of Nursey’s hoodie, but he looks more relieved than anything else, watching a little warily as Nursey shifts around to get comfortable, leaning back against the Haus. “Shouldn't you be downstairs? It's your party, after all.”

 

“It's my party, and I'll ditch if I want to,” Nursey sings. Dex snorts out a laugh, and Nursey grins. He feels pleasantly drunk, loose and happy and a little silly, and he scoots a little closer to Dex, close enough to feel the warmth coming off him through his puffy coat. “You're warm,” he comments.

 

“Comes from not being outside in February in a sweatshirt,” Dex retorts, but it's fond. He slings an arm around Nursey’s shoulders and tugs him in. Nursey’s stomach gets butterflies for a moment, and then he realizes that it was a brusque, friendly sort of motion, nothing soft or gentle in it. His fingers don't drift down along Nursey's waist, or over his hip, or anywhere else he might want them.

 

But that's--good. That's a good thing. He swallows, and pokes Dex in the chest. “You're not down at the party, either,” he says, mock-accusing. “What's the matter, too cool to dance, Poindexter?”

 

Dex rolls his eyes at him. They both know that Dex's dancing isn't what either of them would call _cool_. “No,” he says. He's quiet for a moment, and then he huffs a sigh and says, “I'm trying to figure out what to get you for a present.”

 

Nursey blinks. “You got me a card,” he points out. It was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles card that said “RADICAL, YOU’RE TURNING 2!” Dex had drawn a 0 next to the 2. Nursey had stuck it to his fridge when he got home.

 

“A card’s not a present, Nursey,” Dex says firmly.

 

“Dude.” Nursey shoves his hands into the pockets of his borrowed sweatshirt. “You don't have to get me anything.”

 

Dex shrugs. “I want to.” He nudges Nursey with his shoulder. “So? Whaddaya want?” He pauses. “Y’know. Within reason. I'm on a budget.”

 

Nursey snorts. “I don't know, dude. I want…” He wants a lot of shit. He wants to make the playoffs and win the Frozen Four. He wants his kid to stop catching every bug that comes through daycare. He wants to make Dean’s List. He wants…

 

He wants…

 

He lifts his head and finds Dex watching him quietly. The soft yearning in Dex’s eyes makes Nursey’s chest tighten, and Nursey bites his lip, swallowing hard. “I want,” he whispers. “I--”

 

The kiss takes his breath away.

 

Dex’s hands come up to cradle his cheeks, and Nursey finds himself reaching forward without thinking, slipping his hands under Dex’s jacket to curl over his waist. One of them makes a sound, soft and wanting, and Nursey has no idea which of them it was.

 

They separate, just long enough for a breath, and then Dex whispers “ _Nursey_ ,” and crashes back into him. Nursey catches his weight, wraps his arms around his neck, and lets Dex press him down down down until his back hits the roof. Dex’s hands dip under his sweatshirt, just cold enough on his skin that Nursey shivers and pulls him closer. He feels a rush of warmth as Dex laughs against his lips and then tilts his head to kiss over Nursey’s jaw and neck.

 

It's good. It's good, and sweet, and so, so hot, and it's been _so long_ since Nursey’s done this, since he’s stopped thinking about the _should_ s and _can_ s and just let himself fall. Everything feels heated and close to the surface, emotions too close for comfort, Dex’s weight on his the only thing keeping him grounded. “Fuck,” Nursey gasps, digging his fingers into the back of Dex’s jacket. “Come home with me.”

 

Dex laughs against his throat. “You’re way too drunk to drive,” he says, and then goes still. He draws away, looking down at Nursey, and his expression is suddenly guarded, unsure. “Shit.”

 

Uncertainty floods Nursey’s veins, taking the place of the pleasant heat of a moment ago. “What?”

 

“You're drunk,” Dex says. He sits up, his weight leaving Nursey completely, and runs a hand through his hair. “How much have you had tonight?”

 

“Not--” Nursey stops himself. He’s not nearly drunk enough to be past the point of consent, but he's definitely in that sweet zone where he's making his choices based on what he wants more than what's good for him. He closes his eyes. “Enough,” he says.

 

Dex’s hand wraps around his, and Nursey opens his eyes. He can't read Dex’s expression, but he lets Dex pull him up to sitting. They sit with a little more distance between them now, and Nursey pulls his knees up, wrapping his arms around them. He can still feel the warm press of Dex’s lips on his.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says finally. “I shouldn't have…”

 

Dex shakes his head. “I asked,” he says, and the self-deprecation in his voice breaks Nursey’s heart. “I just can't--I can't do another one-night thing with you, Nursey, I--”

 

“I don't want one night,” Nursey says. He shouldn't say it, he _knows_ he shouldn't, it's only going to make things worse, but he’s drunk enough to be honest. “Dex, fuck, I look at you, and I want you all the time. I want so much with you.”

 

“Then--” Dex’s careful expression wavers. “Then _fuck_ , Nursey, why aren't we--”

 

“Because you deserve better!”

 

The words spill out in a rush and Nursey has to swallow hard to keep himself from launching into the rants and justifications that he's repeated to himself over and over and over again in his dark apartment, on the nights when his bed is too big and a single text message from Dex makes his heart flutter in his chest. He takes a careful breath, and tries again, looking down at his knees. “You deserve someone who can always put you first, Dex, and I can't,” he says. “You deserve--you deserve the normal college dating thing, not diapers and daycare and trying to figure out which books are age-appropriate and--”

 

He realizes he’s ranting and catches his breath, makes himself slow down. “You’re _nineteen_ , Dex,” he says. “And you deserve--”

 

“That’s bullshit, Nursey,” Dex interrupts, and for the first time he actually looks angry enough that Nursey snaps his mouth shut, looking up at him in surprise. “You don’t get to pull out the ‘you’re so young’ shit, you turned twenty literally five minutes ago, are you fucking kidding me? And you don’t get to just _decide_ what I want in a relationship, okay? If I _want_ a relationship that’s more movie nights and eight-thirty bedtimes and learning how to watch my language because I’m spending half my time around a toddler, that’s up to _me_. You don’t get to just--just _decide_ that because you think I just want to fuck around.”

 

Nursey stares at him, heart pounding, and the words to respond die on his lips, because he’s _right_ , he’s fucking right, it’s not Nursey’s place to tell Dex what he wants, but-- He swallows, and takes a shaking breath. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “I just…”

  
Dex regards him for a moment more, his frustrated face illuminated by the light from Lardo’s room, and then he sighs. “Come here.”

 

Nursey blinks, confused. “What?”

 

“Come here,” Dex repeats. He takes Nursey’s arm and tugs, gently, and because Nursey’s still alcohol-loose and he _wants him_ , he goes, careful on the slanted roof but settling easily into Dex’s lap, and it makes him ache, how easily they fit together. Dex wraps his arms around his waist. “Just a kiss,” Dex says, quietly. “Because it’s your birthday.”

 

“Won’t this just make things worse?” Nursey asks. The words come out in a breathier whisper than he means them too, but Dex just smiles, his eyes soft, and only a little sad.

 

“Like I said,” he says, tilting his face up, and Nursey couldn’t not kiss him if his life depended on it. “For your birthday.”

 

The kiss is so soft it hurts, and when Nursey brings his hands up to cup Dex’s face, he can’t blame his shaking on the cold.

 

…

 

Dex gives himself two weeks of frustrated, heartsick moping before he walks into Chowder’s room, flops down on his bed, and screams into Chowder’s pillow.

 

He hears the squeak of Chowder’s desk chair turning. “No, that’s fine, I’m not busy,” Chowder says dryly. “How can I help you today?”

 

Dex picks his head up and finds Chowder watching him. Despite his tone, Chowder’s face is open and slightly tinged with concern. Dex sighs, and sits up. He grabs one of the shark plushies on Chowder’s bed and pulls it into his lap. “I need to tell you something,” he says, “and I need you to not tell anyone else.”

 

Immediately, Chowder frowns.

 

“Except Farmer,” Dex amends.

 

Chowder relaxes. “Okay,” he says. He pauses. “Unless you’re in, like, serious trouble. Or you might be hurting yourself. Or--”

 

“It’s nothing like that,” Dex interrupts. A little nervously, he starts running his fingers over the shark’s fin. “It’s about Nursey.”

 

“Oh,” Chowder says. He leans back in his chair, spinning a pen around his fingers. “Is it about your massive crush on him, or something else?”

 

So much for hoping he was being subtle. Ears flaming, Dex slumps back against the wall and runs a hand through his hair. “My massive crush,” he admits. “Which--fuck you, by the way, it’s not a crush if it’s reciprocated.” Chowder just raises his eyebrows like the little shit he is, and Dex sighs. “It’s--he likes me back, okay? But he’s not...He doesn’t want us to date. Well, he _wants_ us to date, but he says we can’t date, but we keep hooking up, and I fucking _want_ to date him, but I don’t wanna be an asshole and keep pushing at him, but…” He huffs out another sigh. “You know?”

 

“Uh, no,” Chowder says, basically reminding Dex that Chowder’s relationship with Farmer is, as Nursey would probably say, “hashtag goals,” because they’re both amazing people who have the vast majority of their shit together. He taps his pen against his desk. “I don’t know, Dex,” he says after a moment. “It’s complicated. I mean, it’s great that you know he likes you back, but if he really doesn’t feel like he’s in the right place to date, then…” He shrugs. “Then it’s not really cool to push. But you know that already.”

 

Dex slumps a little further against the wall. “Yeah,” he admits. He _did_ know that already, but he was kind of hoping for an alternative.

 

Chowder gives him a sympathetic smile. “Hey,” he says, reaching out with one leg to nudge Dex’s calf with his toe. “You like him and he likes you. It’s okay for this to take time and like. Happen organically.”

 

“I know. I…” Dex rubs the shark’s fin. “I know.” He chews the inside of his cheek, thinking, trying to figure out a non-awkward way to ask the next question, and then just goes for it. “What about the part where we keep kissing, though? Because I think that confuses things.”

 

“Um.” Chowder blinks. He looks like he can’t decide whether to be amused or exasperated, and his face is taking on that distinct _jfc Caitlin is gonna find this hilarious_ expression that Dex is starting to be able to recognize. “Well, you could, like...stop kissing him. Just throwing it out there. As a suggestion.”

 

“I already considered that,” Dex says, because he has.

 

Chowder gives him an unimpressed look. “Uh-huh,” he says.

 

Dex shrugs. “Decided it didn’t seem like the way to go.”

 

Chowder snorts. “You are so fucking lucky,” he says, “that the rest of this team doesn’t know how fucking thirsty you are.”

 

“It’s because I have friends like you that keep my secrets,” Dex says, smiling with all his teeth. It’s his most manic, _I have access to a boat and will drop you in the middle of the Atlantic if you fuck me over_ smile. Chowder is impervious to it, though, and just rolls his eyes.

 

“You’re literally a soap opera,” Chowder says. “Now get your shoes off my bed and help me pick a new show to watch on Netflix, you interrupted my homework flow and I’m not gonna get it back, so now you’re stuck with me.”

 

…

 

The best part of his friends knowing about Maya now, Nursey thinks, sinking a little deeper into his couch, is that they can actually hang out at his apartment.

 

It’s not that he’s a homebody, really--he loves being on campus and being at the Haus, and when he’s not on parenting duty he can party with the best of them (Nursey Patrol exists for a reason). But on his days and nights with Maya, after she goes to bed, he’d definitely gotten lonely before people knew. He’s an introvert at heart, sure, but he likes being around certain people, absorbing the soft, quiet energy that comes from hanging out with people but not necessarily _doing something_ hugely interactive.

 

Now, though, sitting on his own couch, Dex on one side and Farmer on the other, Chowder comfortably sprawled in his armchair, watching _Parks and Rec_ and feeling the best kind of squished and surrounded, all Nursey can think is that this is--this is _good_. This is all he’s ever wanted.

 

He could do without the sore throat and slight headache that clearly indicate he’s picked up the latest bug that Maya’s brought home from daycare, but other than that, life is _good_.

 

Farmer shuffles slightly. “Hey,” she says. “Can we adjust? My legs are falling asleep.”

 

“Oh, sure.” Nursey stretches, arching his back, and out of the corner of his eye catches Dex’s gaze of the strip of exposed skin of his stomach as his t-shirt lifts. He feels his skin warm, and swallows hard, lowering his arms again. “I’m gonna look in on Maya real quick,” he says, getting to his feet. “You rearrange first, I’ll fit myself in when I come back.”

 

He gets a thumbs-up from Farmer, who’s already trying to untangle her legs from the throw blanket she’s gotten twisted up in, and heads down the hall to Maya’s room. Carefully, he eases open the door and steps in, making his way over to her crib. The white noise machine hums softly from the dresser, mixing with the sounds from the street outside, humming car engines and occasional voices. In the crib, Maya’s sprawled on her back, Dragon held loosely in one hand, her mouth open. She’s snoring softly, and Nursey can’t help his grin. She gets that from Sofia.

 

Satisfied that she’s sleeping soundly--and apparently unfazed by the cold that he can already tell is going to knock him on his ass--he makes his way back to the living room to find Farmer ensconced in blankets in the armchair and Chowder in her place on the couch. “Chowder decided this was gonna be the Frog Cuddle Couch,” Dex says dryly, and Nursey can _hear_ the capital letters.

 

“Dex gets middle,” Chowder says. “We don’t love Dex enough.”

 

Nursey might be imagining it, but he’s pretty sure Chowder gives him a pointed look when he says that. He elects to ignore it. “Seems legit,” he says, and climbs over Dex’s legs--“ _Ow_ ,” Dex whines at him--and plops down in the corner seat. He pulls another throw blanket off the back of the couch and snuggles back against Dex’s shoulder.

 

The motion pushes Dex back against Chowder, who, predictably, says, “Aw, Cait, take a picture!” Farmer takes out her phone and snaps a photo of the three of them smushed together, Chowder’s arms around Dex’s neck and Nursey pressed into Dex’s chest and Dex between them, red-faced and trying to look annoyed but mostly just coming off as exasperated but pleased. “Ooh, Instagram that,” Chowder says, when Farmer shows it to them. “Hashtag snuggle party at Nursey’s!”

 

“Hashtag you’re gonna break Rans and Holster’s hearts,” Nursey says, chuckling. He rearranges himself slightly so that he’s not _quite_ so squished into Dex--as much as he _wants_ to be curled up against Dex, breathing in the scent of his aftershave and feeling the ever-present heat come off his skin through his clothes, he’s not so much of an asshole that he’s gonna be a tease about it.

 

It doesn’t quite work, though, and after five minutes of squirming, during which he elbows Dex twice and interrupts the episode with his shuffling and “sorry!”s, Dex huffs a sigh and says, “ _Jesus_ , Nursey, just--” and grabs him by the shoulders, pulling him back. Nursey makes a sound that’s almost definitely a squeak, but lets Dex maneuver him until he’s tucked against him again, his head against Dex’s shoulder and Dex’s arm around his back.

 

“ _There_ ,” Dex says, somehow managing to sound both accomplished and annoyed. “Comfy?”

 

“Um,” Nursey says, like his heart isn’t pounding. He can smell Dex’s skin, Dove soap and Old Spice aftershave. It makes him want to shiver, and he holds himself still. “Yeah?”

 

“Good,” Dex says. He gives him a gentle jostle, like he does when Nursey’s too much in his head on the bench, a _get back in the game_. “Now watch the show.”

 

“Jeez, controlling much,” Nursey chirps, but he turns his head back to the screen, where Leslie is driving her campaign bus up to Bobby Newport’s dad’s memorial service. Everyone is freaking out.

 

He can relate.

 

Still, he’s warm and comfortable, and after a few Chowder’s snickering stops, and Nursey lets himself relax back against Dex. One of Dex’s thumbs is moving almost absently against his upper arm, a gentle, circular motion, and it’s oddly in time with the weary pounding in Nursey’s head. Just for a moment, he closes his eyes.

 

When he wakes, the apartment’s much darker, and it takes him a moment to realize that it’s because the TV’s off. He’s still tucked against Dex, his head pillowed on Dex’s shoulder and Dex’s arm around his back, but there’s a blanket over both of them now, and as his eyes get used to the semi-darkness and he blinks a few times, he realizes that the light he _can_ see is coming from Dex’s phone.

 

“Dex?” His voice comes out raspy. Jesus. How long was he out? He swallows, and tries again, picking his head up. “Dex?”

 

Dex lowers his phone, but leaves the backlight on so they can actually see each other a little in the darkness. “Hey,” he says. “Sup, sleepyhead?”

 

Nursey sits up, his back protesting the entire motion, wincing. “Fuck,” he says. “Did Chowder and Farmer leave?”

 

“Yeah, they caught the ten-fifty shuttle.”

 

“The ten-fifty?” Nursey stares at him, totally disoriented. “What time is it now?”

 

Dex clicks his phone on and off to check the time. “Quarter after eleven?”

 

“The fuck, dude?” Nursey rubs at his eyes. “Why didn’t you wake me up? The next shuttle’s not til almost midnight, why didn’t you wake me up?”

 

“Hey.” Dex’s face softens, and he sits up more, leaning forward. “It’s okay. You needed the rest, Nursey.” Nursey opens his mouth to protest, but Dex cuts him off. “Don’t even, Nursey, you think I can’t tell when you’re getting sick? You keep rubbing your head and rolling your neck, and you wince every time you swallow, and you popped your ears like eight times in the hour before you fell asleep, you’re like five minutes away from a sinus infection.”

 

Nursey _feels_ his jaw hanging open, and carefully closes it. He swallows--and _does_ wince, but it hurts, okay?--and says, a little weakly, “You noticed all that?”

 

Dex shrugs, looking down at his phone. Even in the cool blue light, his eyes are warm. “I notice a lot about you.”

 

“Dex, I…” Nursey’s heart clenches, and every atom in his body is screaming to reach out. He takes a shaking breath. “I just…” He feels so cared for it _hurts_ , and so fucking guilty, because he wants this, he _wants this_ , but what if he can’t give back everything Dex seems to give to him, it’s not _fair_.

 

A hand covering his makes him look up, and it takes a second for him to realize that Dex looks blurry because his eyes are wet. Nursey blinks a few times to clear his eyes, and Dex brings a hand up, brushing a few wayward tears out of his eyelashes. “You keep saying I deserve someone who can put me first,” Dex says softly. Nursey nods, and Dex is quiet for a moment, and then he laces his fingers through Nursey’s. “What if what I want is to put _you_ first?”

 

Nursey looks at their joined hands--his, trying to shake with emotion and uncertainty; Dex’s, holding him steady. He closes his eyes, and tries to think of a reason to say _no_ that isn’t based in his anxiety, or his own sense that he’s not good enough to handle being a dad and a student and a boyfriend at the same time, and realizes that he...can’t. He takes a breath, and looks up at Dex.

 

“We’ll...We have to take it slow,” he says. “Like--I don’t know, I might need to talk to Sofi, about boundaries, about how to do this with Maya, so that she’ll be okay, and--”

 

Dex’s face looks like the coming of summer, though, bright and gorgeous even in the darkness of Nursey’s living room and barely lit by his phone, and Nursey can’t help but stop mid-rant, unable to keep the grin off his face. “You just wanna kiss me right now,” he says. “And do logistics later.”

 

“I really, really do,” Dex says, grinning, his teeth blue in the electronic light. He slips his hands down to curl them over Nursey’s hips, shameless.

 

“You’re gonna catch my cold,” Nursey warns, letting Dex pull him close.

 

“Bring it on,” Dex says, and Nursey laughs into their first official kiss.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full stop I totally intended to draw this slow burn out another chapter but I just...couldn't do it. I'm weak, y'all. 
> 
> I AM. SO SORRY. FOR THE WAIT BETWEEN UPDATES. Writer's block is a dick. Depression is also a dick. I'll try to be a little faster on the next one but I'm probably going to be moving in the next month because real life is a mess sooooo no promises. 
> 
> That said, I love this fic and I love this 'verse and I have a trillion headcanons about it, so if you wanna yell at me or ask me questions about it or just come chat to me, I am always around wasting time on tumblr @geniusorinsanity.


	3. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey," Dex says, and Nursey looks up. Between them, Maya knocks over a pile of blocks, and giggles in delight. "Come visit me for Spring break?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> speed-wrote the last few bits of this to coincide with day 3 of NurseyDex Week - "Alternate Universe"
> 
> see the end notes for (mild) content warnings

 

They do _try_ to take it slow.

 

Nursey puts his foot down on Dex sleeping over right away--which, okay, Dex thinks, fair; no way he sleeps over and they don’t have sex, they both know themselves too well for that--but it’s less than two weeks before Dex realizes he can’t actually remember the last time he spent more than a few hours in his own room other than to sleep.

 

It’s not really surprising, when he thinks about it. They have practice together almost every morning, then team breakfast, and four weekdays out of five, they have a lunch break at the same time in the middle of the day. When Nursey doesn’t have Maya, they’ll hang out at the Haus in the evenings, doing homework or playing video games, or at Nursey’s place, doing homework or--well, okay, usually making out on the couch. When Nursey _does_ have Maya, Dex usually ends up at Nursey’s apartment anyway--she already knows him, feels comfortable with him, and before he knows it he’s got her bedtime routine memorized, knows her favorite foods, her favorite books, remembers to add a dollop of sriracha to her bowl if they make her mac and cheese.

 

And he _loves_ it.

 

He loves that he doesn’t have to stop himself from reaching out for Nursey anymore, that he can glance over and smile and, nine times out of ten, Nursey’s looking back. He loves that they can touch, that the hesitant tension between them is gone--they’re not sleeping together yet, but the contact is there; Nursey’s fingers drifting through his hair when they study together, their legs tangling when they watch movies, easy embraces and constant grins.

 

(And there’s the kissing. There’s a _lot_ of kissing. Light, easy kisses in the kitchen; slow, lingering kisses at the door; deep, dirty kisses on the couch that leave them both gasping, that end in one or the other of them calling a timeout before things get too intense.

 

Dex isn’t really sure which ones are his favorites of those.)

 

“Hey,” Nursey says, nudging him.

 

“Mm,” Dex says, startled a little out of a really, really pleasant memory of Nursey’s lips on his the last time they’d stayed up late studying (“...‘ _Studying_ ,’” Chowder would say dryly) at Nursey’s. He blinks and glances at Nursey. “Yeah?”

 

Nursey cocks an eyebrow, looking amused. “You with me, bro?”

 

Dex makes a face. “I still think it’s weird that you call me _bro_ when we’re dating,” he says. “And yeah, I’m good.” He leans over Nursey’s shoulder to look at the shopping list. “What do you still need?”

 

“Um, lemme see.” Nursey scans it, tapping the pen against the paper. In the carriage, Maya wiggles her feet and chews Dragon’s ear, looking thoughtful. “Um, okay--we still need rice, and--oh, crap.” He frowns. “I forgot to get bananas when we were in produce.”

 

“I’ll go grab some.” Dex leans over to kiss Maya’s head--she gives a squealing giggle and pulls one of his ears, her new favorite toys--and straightens up. “Small ones, right? Her size?”

 

Nursey gives him a grateful look. “If you can find them, yeah. I’ll meet you in frozen foods?”

 

“You got it.” He brushes his fingers over Nursey’s, gets a squeeze back, and heads back towards the produce section.

 

This is his Tuesday night--hitting Murder Stop & Shop with Nursey and Maya to get groceries for the week.

 

It’s dumb and domestic and he fucking _loves_ it.

 

He’s browsing through bunches of bananas, looking for a bundle that’s close to ripe but not full of giant bananas since he knows those’ll go bad before Nursey and Maya get through them, when his phone rings. He glances at the display and picks up. “Hey, Ma.”

 

“Hi, honey!” His mother’s voice is bright and easy, warm. Dex finds himself relaxing into it, automatic. “We meant to call earlier, to say hi, but I realized I missed your lunchtime break. Is this an okay time?”

 

“Yeah, it’s fine, I’m just--” He breaks off, not really sure how to say _out shopping with my boyfriend and his daughter_. “It’s an okay time, I’m not really busy.”

 

“Up to anything fun tonight?”

 

Dex snorts. “It’s a Tuesday, Ma, I’m not exactly throwing ragers in my dorm room.”

 

“ _Ragers in your dorm room_ , Billy, honestly, you’re ridiculous. I figured you’d be at your hockey place. Isn’t that a thing you do?”

 

“We don’t throw kegsters in the middle of the week,” he says. He finds a good bunch of bananas, peers at it, and then, satisfied, heads off towards the frozen foods aisle. “How’s home?”

 

His mom launches off on a story about a car that came into his dad’s workshop today, weaving anecdote into story into anecdote, keeping him chuckling the whole time he’s wandering aisles looking for Nursey.

 

“--and they were just _obsessed_ with, oh my goodness, who is it, from _Sesame Street_?” She makes a clicking sound with her tongue. “The bright blue one, not Cookie Monster, it’s a girl.” She laughs suddenly. “I don’t know why I’m asking you, you wouldn’t--”

 

“Wait,” he says, frowning, racking his memory. “Rosita? The one who speaks Spanish?”

 

“Yes,” she says, sounding surprised. “Billy, how on earth--since when are you watching _Sesame Street_?”

 

He flushes, turning a corner into frozen goods. He spots Nursey at the end of the aisle, looking at steam-in-the-bag vegetables, and beelines for him. “I’m not watching _Sesame Street_ , Ma,” he says, putting the bananas in the carriage and leaning over to accept the kiss Nursey drops to his cheek in thanks. “Maya loves it, though, I catch it sometimes when I’m in the kitchen.”

 

“Maya?” She sounds curious.

 

“My boyfriend’s daughter,” he says, without thinking, and then freezes. Nursey, next to him, goes still.

 

“Oh!” There’s barely half a beat of silence, Dex’s pulse roaring in his ears; he gropes, frantically, for Nursey’s hand, and finds it, Nursey’s fingers lacing with his and holding tight. Shit, he thinks, he should backpedal, this was _not_ how he planned this conversation to go, he had a _speech_ , he had a _plan_ —

 

But before he can even try to backtrack, his mother’s talking again. “That’s that little one you were babysitting for in December, isn’t it?”

 

“I…” He clings to Nursey’s hand. “Yeah.”

 

“I thought you said she was just a _friend’s_ daughter, Billy,” she says.

 

Her voice is so soft and gentle, even teasing, that his knees almost buckle. It’s her _I love you_ voice, and fuck, they’re okay, they’re okay. He swallows, takes a breath, and swallows again for good measure. “Well he _was_ just a friend _then_ ,” he says, feeling his cheeks flush. Next to him, Nursey lets out a sudden sigh of relief, clearly sensing that all is well. “I didn’t wanna--you know, jinx anything.”

 

“Oh, baby, you couldn’t if you tried, you’re too much of a secret romantic.” She laughs softly in his ear. “I can hear someone giggling, are you out now?”

 

Dex licks his bottom lip, glancing at Maya. She is laughing, playing with Dragon’s wings. Dex can’t help smiling at her. “Yeah,” he says. “Just, uh. Grocery shopping.”

 

There’s a pause. “That’s exciting,” she says, after a moment. “I’ll let you go, then, baby. Say hi to--it’s Nursey?”

 

“Derek.”

 

“Derek, then. Give him our best.” Her voice softens. “Really, sweetheart.”

 

“Um, I will. Thanks, Ma.”

 

“Love you, Billy.”

 

“I love you, too.” He hangs up the phone, and exhales, hard.

 

“Babe.” Nursey’s hand touches his shoulder, a gentle brush of fingers. “Are you okay?”

 

Dex takes a shaking breath and looks up at him. “I’m fine.” He straightens up, and then, before he can stop himself, cups Nursey’s face in his hands and presses a kiss to his lips. “I’m _fine_ ,” he repeats. “She--she barely cared. She just kept talking, like it was nothing. Like it’s normal.”

 

Nursey snorts. “It _is_ normal,” he says, but he leans in and kisses Dex back, softly. “You’re good?”

 

“I’m so good,” Dex says. He rubs his thumbs over Nursey’s cheekbones. It feels, weirdly, like a weight he hasn’t even thought about carrying has been pulled off his shoulders. He wants to do something stupid, like try to pick Nursey up and spin him around and kiss him again.

 

That would be a really dumb idea; Nursey’s got fifteen pounds of muscle on him, and knowing Nursey, he’d find a way to crash into a display.

 

“Let’s get ice cream, too,” he says instead.

 

Nursey raises an eyebrow. “That’s cheating on the nutrition plan,” he says, mock-scandalized.

 

Dex reaches down and laces their fingers together. “I won’t tell if you don’t,” he says.

 

“Ceam!” Maya says, leaning forward in the carriage.

 

“See?” Dex grins. “Two against one.”

 

Nursey shakes his head. “Can’t fight those odds,” he says, and Dex leans over to kiss the smile off his face.

 

…

 

Getting kicked out of the ECAC playoffs sucks. Not as much as it probably sucks for Rans and Holster, not getting past the first round in their senior year, but still, it stings.

 

Except:

 

“Hey,” Dex says, lying on his stomach on Nursey’s rug, playing blocks with Maya. “I just realized something.”

 

Nursey glances up from his book. “Mm?”

 

Dex sits up. Maya watches him, eyes wide and curious, and Dex picks her up and plops her into his lap. “Dude,” he says. “We get _spring break_ this year.”

 

Nursey stares. “Spring break?” he echoes.

 

They don’t get spring break. They’re athletes who play a fall-winter sport, they _never_ get spring break. They don’t _get_ breaks, _ever_.

  
“We get spring _break_ ,” he breathes, and a grin blossoms over Dex’s face. “Dexy, holy _crap_.”

 

Dex laughs, slipping his hands into Maya’s and waving her arms. She giggles, and Nursey can’t help laughing back. “Penny drops,” he says.

 

“Holy _crap_ ,” Nursey repeats, a little giddy with delight at the idea of two weeks off from school with no practices or responsibilities beyond parenting and schoolwork.

 

“Trying to figure out what to do with all that spare time?”

 

Nursey nods enthusiastically. He could take Maya back to the Children’s Museum or the Museum of Science. They could find a new birthday cake recipe for Sofia. They could go to the children’s reading room at the library _every day_ if they wanted. They could--

 

Dex reaches out and takes his hand. Nursey glances at him. Dex looks a little nervous, and Nursey cocks an eyebrow. “What’s up, babe?”

 

“Well, I was thinking--” Dex flushes, all the way to his ears. It’s pretty adorable. “I was wondering if you might wanna come up to Maine.”

 

Nursey stills. He didn’t see that coming. Dex coming out to his parents had been more accidental than planned, even though from what Dex has told him, he’s gotten nothing but support. Nursey’s even met his mom over FaceTime. She’s friendly, younger than Nursey had expected, with auburn hair not yet touched by grey. Dex’s has her honey-colored eyes, her smattering of freckles. She always asks after him and Maya when she talks to Dex, apparently.

 

Long-distance approval is one thing, though--having him up close and personal is something else. “Um,” he says slowly.

 

Dex’s flush gets darker, and he looks down at Maya, still sitting in his lap. She’s pulled her hands out of his, picking up one of her blocks again and bouncing it in both her hands, and Dex runs his fingertips lightly over her curls, barely touching. “You don’t have to,” he says. “I mean--Sorry. It’s really soon for that, I guess. And I know there’s probably more interesting things you could be doing than like, coming up to Hampden, but I just thought, you know, it might be--”

 

He’s rambling a little, which is so unlike him it’s almost alarming--Dex’s confidence is so inherent to his personality that to see uncertainty from him just seems _wrong_. Nursey steps in before it can go any further. “Babe,” he says. “I didn’t mean that I don’t wanna meet your parents. Of course I want to meet your parents. I’m just not sure that _they_ want to meet _me_.”

 

Dex looks surprised. “What? Of course they do.”

 

“I mean, maybe in theory,” Nursey says carefully. He knows Dex is protective of his family; he wants to tread lightly here, but he’s not going to lie, either. “But Dex, it’s...it’s a lot, isn’t it?”

 

Leaning back against the couch, Dex frowns at him, still playing with Maya’s hair. “You’re not a lot, Nursey.”

 

“I’d have Maya with me,” Nursey says. Sofia’s had a trip booked to visit Malaya’s family in LA since November, and he’d already promised to take Maya, regardless of what happened with the playoffs (he’d had his fingers crossed that he’d have to end up finagling something with Sofi’s mom and their daycare and usual babysitter, but the luck hadn’t quite worked out. Not like time with his kid was a hardship, but a Frozen Four championship would’ve been nice, too). “I dunno, Dex, it’s just--”

 

He sighs, spreading his hands. He’s sure his smile looks tight. “It’s not just going to be, like, ‘here’s my boyfriend,’ you know? It’s going to be ‘here’s my boyfriend’--when they barely knew you were queer two weeks ago--‘ _and_ here’s his out-of-wedlock kid from his high school relationship with his lesbian BFF.’ That’s just a lot to throw at them all at once, you can’t expect them to just--I don’t know, be chill with that.”

 

Dex narrows his eyes. “No offense, Nursey, but that’s b--” He pauses, covers Maya’s ears, and then says, “Bullshit.” He takes his hands away. Maya takes hold of his pinky and yanks on it, and he winces slightly, extricating it from her grip and handing her back her block instead. “I’m not saying you’re not complicated. Or that my parents wouldn’t prefer that I date a nice Catholic white guy with no baggage if I have to date a guy at all. But…”

 

Maya throws the block on the floor, squirming in Dex’s lap, and Dex absent-mindedly helps her stand up, letting her walk across the floor to Nursey. Once he’s no longer steadying her, he pulls his knees up and laces his fingers together loosely, sighing. “My parents don’t get to only approve of the convenient parts of my relationship,” he says. “You’re part of my life. An important part of my life. And Maya’s part of you, which means she’s part of me. And that means they have to just suck it up.”

 

Nursey raises his eyebrows at the firmness of Dex’s tone, the set of his jaw. “And if they don’t?”

 

Dex’s eyes flash. He rises up to his knees and moves across the rug. He cups Nursey’s face in his hands, the motion bracketing Maya between them. His hands are warm, and he strokes his thumbs over Nursey’s cheekbones, firm pressure.

 

“That,” he says, his voice deadly quiet, “is not an option.”

 

The intensity in his expression takes Nursey’s breath away. It’s not hopeful, or delusion or overconfidence--it’s certainty, pure and simple, an absolute surety that there is no reality in which his family doesn’t accept all of Nursey, that even _in_ that impossible reality, he’d fight through fire to change it. His eyes are blazing, fierce as they hold Nursey’s gaze, refusing to let him look away.

 

He’s never looked more gorgeous.

 

Nursey swallows. Screw taking it slow. “As soon as we put Maya to bed tonight,” he says, voice hoarse, “I’m going to suck your dick until you can’t see straight.”

 

Dex’s face flushes red. His lips part. “Oh,” he says.

 

Nursey tilts his head to one side. “Cool?”

 

“Uh.” Dex swallows visibly. He gets a little redder. It’s a good look for him, Nursey thinks. The last time he saw him that red, they were already mostly naked. “Yeah. I’m good with that.”

 

“I thought you might be,” Nursey says, and grins.

 

…

 

“You must be Nursey!” Dex’s mom says, opening the door before Dex can even make a grab for the doorknob.

 

Dex catches the briefest look of panic flash over Nursey’s face before he smooths it away with a smile, boosting Maya up on his hip. “Derek’s fine, Mrs. Poindexter,” he says, glancing at Dex.

 

“Just Laura,” she says firmly, ignoring the look. “And this is Maya? Hi, sweetheart!”

 

Maya turns her face into Nursey’s neck, and Nursey makes an apologetic face. “Sorry,” he says. “Long car ride. She’ll warm up soon.”

 

Dex’s mom waves a hand. “Don’t worry about it, honey, I know how they can be. Here, come in, don’t just stand there--Billy, I’m sure he has stuff in the car, why don’t you go grab it for him?” She steps back to let Nursey inside. “Billy let you know we have a pack-n-play, right? So you didn’t have to bring one?”

 

“He did, yeah. Thank you so much, it saved me a lot of trouble.” He reaches Dex and pauses, his face briefly uncertain, and Dex’s mom chuckles.

 

“I’ll give you boys a moment,” she says tactfully, and withdraws to the kitchen, probably to start on dinner.

 

The second she disappears around the corner, Dex lets out a rushing sigh of relief. “Jesus effing Christ,” he says.

 

Nursey laughs. “It wasn’t _so_ bad,” he says, but his face holds as much relief as Dex feels, and he grins when Dex makes a face at him. “Hi, babe,” he adds.

 

Dex smiles, putting an arm around Nursey’s waist and leaning forward to kiss him. It’s been almost a week since they’ve seen each other, and he _wants_ to press him up against the nearest wall and kiss him til both their lips are sore, but his mom’s just in the next room, and Maya’s still half-dozing in Nursey’s arms. Still, this is nice, this soft, sweet contact. He missed this, too.

 

Maya stirs and squirms a little, and Dex pulls back. “Hey, sunshine,” he says, dropping his voice to softness.

 

She blinks her eyes open, long lashes fluttering, and then a slow, broad smile spreads over her face. “Des!” she says, and reaches for him.

 

Warmth floods into his chest and he scoops her out of Nursey’s unprotesting arms, hugging her close and feeling her small arms wrap around his neck. He presses his face into her shoulder, breathing in baby shampoo and coconut lotion. “Hi, baby girl,” he whispers, a little surprised at the lump in his throat. “I missed you.”

 

A gentle hand settles against the small of his back. “She missed you, too,” Nursey says. He drops a kiss to Dex’s shoulder. “She asked for you a couple times.”

 

Dex picks his head up, then thinks better of it and rests it against her curls, swaying slightly back and forth. “Even though we FaceTimed?”

 

“Even though.” Nursey’s smile sends tingles through Dex’s whole body. Logically, he knows it’s way too soon for things like _I love you_ s, but the words are on the tip of his tongue anyway. He swallows them down.

 

“Here,” he says, holding Maya out to Nursey with some effort; she doesn’t really want to let go of his neck. “I’d better go get your stuff out of the car before my mom comes back to yell at me.”

 

Nursey laughs, taking her. “You don’t have to, I can get it.”

 

Dex shakes her head. “You’re the _guest_ , Nursey,” he says, channeling his mother. “If I make you carry anything other than your actual kid I’ll be skinned alive.”

 

“Well, we can’t have that.” Nursey settles Maya back onto his hip, and she pouts at Dex, but seems content to stay. “I think we’re okay for now if you don’t wanna carry a bunch of stuff, though--her diaper bag and my backpack’re on the passenger seat, if you wanna just get those?”

 

“You got it.”

 

By the time they sit down to dinner, Nursey charms both of Dex’s parents, even his dad, who tends to be slow to warm up to folks from away. (Dex had had to emphasize that to Nursey eight or nine times before this visit. “It’s _not_ a race thing, I swear,” he’d insisted. “It’s literally anyone from out of state. He’s just like. Really a Mainer.” Nursey had made a face, like he really didn’t believe him, but let the subject drop.) Maya’s shyness wears off slowly, which probably influences Dex’s dad softening up so quickly. It probably helps that she’s a good eater, too--Dex’s mom had asked if she should make something special for her, but Nursey had shaken his head.

 

“She’ll eat whatever we’re having,” he’d said. “She’s good like that.”

 

Dex’s mom had grinned. “You’re lucky,” she’d said, eyes glinting. “Billy didn’t eat anything that wasn’t beige until he was eight. We had to sneak vegetables into muffins so he wouldn’t die of malnutrition.”

 

Dex flushed. “ _Ma_ ,” he complained, and Nursey _cackled_.

 

Sure enough, though, Maya eats her baked ziti happily with one of the plastic spoons Dex’s parents keep around for his baby cousins, sitting in the booster seat Dex’s mom dug out of the basement closet. Dex is stunned, and a little alarmed, but just how much baby shit his parents still have in the house.

 

Nursey sits next to her, keeping a mindful eye, and makes small talk with Dex’s parents. Dex doesn’t fail to notice that he’s keeping information back--he tells them about his family, but doesn’t mention religion or much about their income level; he talks about what he’s studying but doesn’t say his parents are paying his tuition in full. He references going to high school in Boston, but leaves out the fact that it was a private boarding school.

 

Watching him quietly, and chiming in occasionally with chirps and anecdotes about Samwell and the team, Dex wishes that Nursey felt okay enough to be totally himself. He gets...he _gets_ why he doesn’t--Nursey’s slow to open up; keeping Maya a secret from the team from a whole year was proof of that--but Dex can’t help but wish things were different.

 

Still, his parents don’t seem to notice.

 

“So, Derek,” his mom says, leaning back in her chair. “I have to ask, because I’m always curious about this sort of thing--” Nursey tenses, almost imperceptibly; Dex stretches his leg out under the table to press his ankle against Nursey’s-- “How did you choose Maya’s name?”

 

Nursey’s shoulders lose their tension. “Um, her mom and I picked it together. Maya Sylvia, for Maya Angelou and Sylvia Rivera. And, ah, Nurse Polanco--she has my name as a second middle name, but Sof’s last name.”

 

Dex’s dad raises an eyebrow at that, but his mom tilts her head to one side, her expression curious. “I know Maya Angelou’s poetry,” she says. “I don’t know the other name--is she a poet, too?”

 

“Um, no.” Nursey looks hesitant. “She was a civil rights activist.”

 

He sounds nervous now, which means whatever activism she did was probably the kind he thinks Dex’s parents won’t approve of. Dex increases the pressure of his ankle against Nursey’s briefly, a firm _I got you_ , and straightens in his seat, putting a teasing note in his voice as he speaks up. “You’re such a hipster, Nurse,” he says. “You’ve gotta be the only seventeen-year-old who names their kid for poets and activists instead of a relative like a normal person.”

 

Nursey rolls his eyes, but a faint grin tugs at his lips. “Too bad I didn’t know you yet, Poindexter,” he says. “Could’ve gone really obscure and asked you for the name of a famous lobster boat to honor.”

 

“That’s my heritage you’re knocking, city boy,” Dex says. He grins back, more because the tension has left Nursey’s face than because of anything he’s said, and his parents chuckle, his mom launching into a story about how she’d had to fight one of her sisters-in-law for dibs on the name _William_ because they were pregnant at the same time.

 

Culture clash averted, he thinks. At least for now.

 

Maya starts fading as they clean up from dinner, her eyelids starting to droop as Nursey gently wipes her hands and face with a damp washcloth. “I think I ought to get her to bed,” Nursey says, glancing at Dex. “You said you had a pack-n-play for her?”

 

Dex gets to his feet. “Yeah,” he says. “It’s in the closet, I’ll go grab it and set it up.”

 

His dad clears his throat. “And just out of curiosity,” he says, “where were you going to do that?”

 

There’s a warning note in his otherwise calm voice that Dex has long learned to pay attention to. “Um,” he says carefully. “Dan’s room? So Nursey and I can hear her from my room?”

 

Dex’s mom, standing at the counter and putting leftovers into tupperware, snorts a laugh. “I don’t think so, Billy.” She gances at Nursey, who has Maya on his lap and is starting to look a little uncomfortable, and her face softens. “It’s not about you specifically, honey,” she says. “I know you boys are in college and I’m sure you, ah, get up to all _sorts_ of things there, but we’re a little old-fashioned. There’s a blanket Poindexter rule--no bed-sharing without a ring on someone’s finger.”

 

His dad raises his eyebrows pointedly. “Not,” he says, “that anyone should be rushing to that.”

 

Dex’s face heats. “ _Dad_ ,” he protests, as Nursey bursts out laughing, and Maya, who probably has no idea what’s going on but will always mimic Nursey, gives a sleepy giggle. Dex punches Nursey’s shoulder. “You’re not helping!”

 

“I’m literally telling the group chat about this as soon as I’m back to my phone,” Nursey says, eyes glinting, because he’s an _asshole_. He grins at Dex, and then gives his dad a much less shit-eating look. “Where _is_ it appropriate for us to set up, Mr. Poindexter? I’m happy to kick _Billy_ out of his room. The back seat of my car is really roomy.”

 

“It really isn’t,” Dex says.

 

“Putting aside _any_ possible reason why you might know that,” Dex’s mom begins.

 

“I sat back there with the baby!” Dex yelps, his cheeks heating up even more while Nursey laughs at him again.

 

His mother goes on, ignoring him. “There’s a finished guest room in the basement. I thought we’d put you down there?”

 

“That sounds perfect, Mrs. Poindexter, thanks.” Nursey gets to his feet, settling Maya easily onto his hip and smiling placidly at Dex’s mom’s “ _Laura_ , Derek honey, please.” Dex lets his hand drift gently across Nursey’s back before he slips into the living room to grab Nursey’s bags, then glances at his parents.

 

“We’ll be back up after we put her to bed, okay?”

 

Dex’s mom nods. “Sure,” she says. She comes around the corner to smile at Maya. “Goodnight, sweetheart. It was very nice to meet you!”

 

His dad waves at her too, his face soft in the way it only ever is with very small children, and something about that sends a wave of relief through Dex’s spine.

 

They head downstairs, Dex shouldering the basement door shut behind them for a little extra privacy. His dad and a few of his uncles had finished the basement a few years ago, the old storage space now a comfortable carpeted second living room with a small guest room and bathroom off to one side. It’s done wonders for family gatherings, especially the extra bathroom--his uncle James had done the plumbing himself, free of charge. Poindexters were an industrious bunch.

 

Sometimes his family drives him crazy, and the more time Dex spends at Samwell the more he finds himself uncomfortable and a little embarrassed by the ignorance some of them hold onto, but he can’t help but admire the fuck out of them, too.

 

Nursey sits down on the couch in the open room while Dex sets the bags down and then gets the pack-n-play out of the closet. He unzips his duffle with one hand, pulling out pajamas for Maya. “Need help with that?” Nursey asks, as Dex wrangles it out of the bag.

 

“Nah, I got it.” He’s set it up for his little cousins before, and anyway, it’s not too complicated.

 

Maya makes a grumpy noise of protest as Nursey pulls her shirt over her head, replacing it with a pajama shirt. “Entiendo que estás malhumorado, my love,” Nursey coos to her gently. “Es casi hora de acostarse.”

 

Dex smiles as he makes sure the rails are locked. He’s gotten used to Nursey switching around between languages with Maya--he doesn’t understand what he’s saying most of the time (any of the time, really; the four years of high school Latin he took haven’t done shit to help him with Nursey’s Spanish, and the Arabic is just a mystery)--but he loves to listen to the way the cadence of Nursey’s voice changes with each language.

 

He snaps the mattress into place and tucks the corners in, then straightens up, sitting down on the couch next to Maya’s head where she’s lying on her diaper pad, Dragon’s wing in her mouth while Nursey autopilot puts her into a nighttime diaper. “So that...that was okay, right?” he asks, reaching down. Maya stretches her free hand up and curls her fingers around his thumb.

 

Nursey finishes with the diaper, bends his head down to press a kiss to the exposed skin of Maya’s belly--she squeals--and then sits up, reaching for the pajama pants. “It was fine,” he says after a moment.

 

His voice is a little distant, and Dex narrows his eyes. “Nursey,” he says. “Hey.”

 

Nursey’s quiet as he finishes getting Maya into her pajamas, and then lifts her into his arms, against his chest. She snuggles sleepily into his shoulder, and he folds the diaper pad up one handed, not bothering to velcro the straps as he drops it back into his bag, leaning back against the couch with a sigh. “C’mere,” he says.

 

Dex shifts over so that he’s pressed against Nursey’s side. He drapes his arm over the back of the couch, his fingers brushing over the nape of Nursey’s neck, his other hand gently rubbing Maya’s back as she starts to nod off. This is good, he thinks. This is what he missed over the past week, this quiet closeness.

 

“It was fine, Dex,” Nursey says again, after a few moments of silence. “I was nervous about it, but...but it was fine. They were really nice. I don’t--I don’t think it was fake nice, either. I usually get a vibe for that kind of thing, and I kept looking for it, and then I felt like a dick for looking for it--like, I shouldn’t want to think the worst of my boyfriend’s parents, you know? That’s not cool of me. But I can’t…”

 

He trails off, voice uncertain, and Dex swallows, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheekbone. “Hey,” he says, gently this time, not the pointed challenge of before. “I get it, okay? With how I acted freshman year and what I’ve told you about them…” He shrugs, running his fingertips gently over the soft skin just above the collar of Nursey’s t-shirt. “I’m not ever gonna be mad at you for trying to protect yourself, as long as you give me a chance to…” He hesitates, trying to find the right words. He’s not nearly as good at words as Nursey is. “Just give me a chance to have your back, too?”

 

Nursey’s eyes soften, and he reaches to curl a hand over Dex’s jaw. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I think I can do that.”

 

Dex smiles slightly, and then a little more broadly when Nursey leans over to kiss him, even though that spreads his lips too much and makes the kiss a little weird. Nursey laughs gently against his mouth, and Dex huffs, angling his head to kiss him properly, and Nursey hums briefly into it before he pulls away, his eyes sparkling and warm.

 

 _I love you_ , Dex wants to say, the words dancing on the tip of his tongue. He swallows them down again. Too soon, too soon, too soon.

 

“I’m gonna FaceTime Sofi so she can say goodnight to Maya,” Nursey says, reaching for his backpack to get out his phone. He nods to Maya, who’s half asleep on his shoulder. “Wanna give her a kiss first?”

 

“‘course,” Dex says, and means it. He presses his hand against Maya’s back, and she turns her head sleepily toward him. “Hey, lovey,” he murmurs. “Can I give you a kiss goodnight?”

 

Maya stretches out her arms for him. “Des,” she says, and Dex takes her gently from Nursey’s arms, cradling her against his chest.

 

If he’s honest with himself--really, really honest--the way he feels about Maya is almost scarier than the way he feels about Nursey. He can justify falling fast and hard for Nursey (it’s normal, right, to fall head over heels for your boyfriend, even if you’re young?), but the fact that he feels an ache in his chest on the days when he doesn’t see Maya, that he jumps when he hears her over a baby monitor, that he finds himself sadder on the days she’s with Sofia because he doesn’t have a real excuse to FaceTime her to say goodnight...It feels like a lot, and it scares him, a little.

 

Maybe this is what Nursey meant when he talked about worrying about being with him.

 

Not that it makes him want him any less.

 

With a sigh, he presses one more kiss to Maya’s hair and passes her back to Nursey. “I’ll let you call,” he says. “Say hi to Sofi and Malaya for me?”

 

Nursey nods. “Tell your parents I’ll be up in a bit.”

 

“Sure.” He gets to his feet, bends down to kiss Maya’s head and Nursey’s cheek, and then heads back up the stairs.

 

His parents are sitting at the kitchen table, talking quietly together, and they look up when he comes into the room. The way his mother immediately stops talking when she sees him makes it obvious they were talking about him, and Dex makes a face. “Subtle, Ma,” he says.

 

She has the grace to look a bit embarrassed, but she gestures to the seat he’d vacated from dinner. “Is the baby asleep?”

 

“Nursey’s calling her mom so she can say goodnight, but she’s mostly out, yeah.” Dex gets himself a glass of water, mostly just to have something to do.

 

His father clears his throat. “Sit down for a minute, Billy.”

 

Dex stills. That tone’s familiar--it’s the _We Want To Talk To You_ tone--and it never leaves room for argument. He goes back to his chair and sits.

 

His parents exchange glances. They’re sitting comfortably, which helps a little--if they’re not sitting ramrod-straight, he knows he’s not in trouble. Still, both their faces are tense, a little uncertain, and that makes him nervous. His mom turns her wedding ring, a plain gold band, around her finger a few times. “Billy,” she begins.

 

Dex huffs. “Ma,” he says. “I’m not ten.”

 

His mother rolls her eyes. “ _Will_ , then.” She taps her fingers together, quiet for another moment while Dex quietly panics, and then she sighs. “Will,” she says again. She glances at his dad, who inclines his head--he tends to prefer to let her do the talking, unless there’s a real lecture going on--and then laces her fingers ago. “Derek seems like a very nice boy.”

 

The _but_ goes unspoken but obvious at the end of the sentence. Dex really doesn’t feel like dealing with that kind of subtle passive-aggression right now. “But,” he prompts.

 

“But,” his mother allows. She hesitates, tapping her fingers against the table. She glances at his dad again, and doesn’t go on.

 

After a few beats of silence, his father sighs. “Your mother and I are worried that you’re getting yourself in over your head,” he says, and for once, Dex is grateful as fuck for the fact that his dad doesn’t mince words. “You’re nineteen, Will, and that’s damn young to be playing surrogate father to someone else’s baby.”

 

Something about that sends a flare of anger through him and Dex opens his mouth to protest, but his father raises a hand, palm up. “I’m not saying we don’t support you,” he says. “Any partner of yours is welcome under our roof so long as they treat you with love and respect, and Derek seems like a good, smart man, and a damn good father. He’s doing right by that little girl, and that’s not a small thing for someone your age. But you’re young, Will, you’re in college, and we want you to have a real college experience, to make your own choices, to do what’s best for yourself.”

 

“We know how serious you take relationships, honey,” his mom says, her eyes gentle. “We know how responsible you are. We just...we don’t want to see you lose out on being young.”

 

Dex sits with that for a minute, and then has to consciously relax his hands when he notices he’s been digging his nails into his palms so hard he’s starting to cut into them. He’s getting, he realizes, really, really sick of people assuming he doesn’t know what he wants. He takes a slow breath.

 

“Nursey said the same thing, you know,” he says, careful to keep his voice even. “Before we got together. I had to convince him to give me a shot, did I ever tell you that?”

 

His mom raises her eyebrows. “No, you didn’t.”

 

“Well, it’s true.” Dex leans forward in his chair. “You’re right that I take things seriously,” he says. “I’m not saying that I don’t. But I’m not gonna throw my life away just because I’m dating someone who has a kid, okay? I’m not _losing out on my youth_ , or whatever. The week before break, we spent four hours playing Mario Kart, and we fucked up our meal plans because we wanted tacos at three in the morning so we got Seamless delivered to Nursey’s apartment. I’m pretty sure we’re still doing okay at the whole...college experience, thing.”

 

He knows he’s ranting, now, but this has been bubbling in his chest for awhile now, so he lets himself keep talking. “And with the whole--I don’t know, _responsibility_ thing, it’s not like I’m changing the way I make decisions, or whatever, based on our relationship, because there haven’t been any huge decisions I’ve had to make. But if there _were_ , of course I’d pull Nursey in, but I’d do that even if he _didn’t_ have a kid, because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship with someone that you lo--”

 

At the last instant, he catches himself, but his mom is already grinning at him, and even his dad is raising his eyebrows, a slow, amused smile curving his lips. “Oh, _shut up_ ,” Dex mutters, slumping back in his chair. He crosses his arms over his chest. “For the record,” he says. “It’s not like _you_ didn’t have Dan when you were like a year older than me.”

 

His mom’s lips twitch. She glances at his father. “Two years,” she says, “but he does have a good point, dear.”

 

There are footsteps on the stairs, and then Nursey comes into the room. He stops, blinking at them. “Uh,” he says. “Bad time?”

 

Dex gets to his feet, ignoring his parents, who are still giving each other vaguely amused looks at the table. He crosses the room to Nursey, puts his hands on Nursey’s hips, and pulls him in for a firm, chaste kiss. “No,” he says. Nursey looks a little dazed, and a little embarrassed, and a lot happy, and Dex _loves_ him.

 

“No,” he says again. “You’re perfect.”

 

…

 

“Babe!” Nursey calls into the bathroom, buttoning up his shirt. “C’mon, we’re gonna be late!”

 

Dex comes out in a huff, drying his chest on the still-damp towel he’d used for his _first_ shower, fifteen minutes earlier. “This is _not_ my fault,” he complains, tossing the towel down on Nursey’s bed and reaching for the garment bag with his suit for the banquet.

 

Nursey grins, shamelessly watching the muscles in Dex’s back move as he steps into a pair of boxers. “Not mine, either, if you’d scrubbed properly the first time.”

 

Dex pulls his undershirt over his head and scowls at him, though his cheeks are pink and flushed. “I’m sorry, who was so insistent on riding me into the bed that he didn’t look at what time it was?”

 

Nursey gives him his blankest look. “I can’t read suddenly, I don’t know.”

 

“You’re such a pain in the ass,” Dex says, but it’s fond.

 

“Actually,” Nursey says as he reaches for his tie, “I’m pretty sure that _you_ were the pain in my--”

 

“Oh my God, shut up, you actual dickbag.” Dex throws his towel at his face, and Nursey cackles, heading back to the bathroom to hang it up and finishing with his tie as he makes his way back. Dex is just buttoning up his shirt, the pale blue with its subtle darker stripe an attractive shade against his skin, and Nursey takes a moment to just lean against the wall, looking at him. Dex notices, and flushes. “Stop staring.”

 

“You’re gorgeous.”

 

“That’s...false. And you’re supposed to be getting ready.”

 

“J’excuse, bitch, I’m not the one who doesn’t even have pants on yet.” Nursey grins as Dex curses under his breath and makes a grab for his dress pants, slipping them on. “Also, _not false_ , what the fuck.” Dex doesn’t look at him, and Nursey huffs, crossing the room and pulling Dex’s hands away from his belt and into his own. “ _Babe_ ,” he says. “It is like, legit critical that you understand that you are hot. Like, I need you to somehow internalize this vitally important information.”

 

Dex makes a face at him, the way he always does when Nursey’s being extra. “Being realistic about my looks has worked perfectly well for me so far.”

 

Nursey picks up Dex’s tie, looping it around his neck for him. He’d never normally do this, he’s Dex’s boyfriend, not his valet, but they really _are_ running late, and if Dex does this himself it’ll take forever because he’s shit at doing a decent knot on the first try. “Maybe,” he says, his fingers easily going through the motions of a half-Windsor. “But you’re role modelling for Maya, and she needs to see you knowing that you’re gorgeous so that she knows _she’s_ gorgeous.”

 

“I don’t think it works that way,” Dex says dryly. “Unless she picked up some of my genes through osmosis or something.”

 

“Self-esteem starts young, Dexy.” Nursey finishes the knot, smoothes his hand over the tie to make sure it lies flat, and then grins. “So positive self-talk only.”

 

Dex huffs, reaching down to get his jacket and pull it on. “I shouldn’t find it attractive that you’re using good parenting as an excuse to make me get my shit together,” he says.

 

Nursey snickers, slipping his wallet into the inside pocket of his jacket and then grabbing his keys and phone. “I’m a full service boyfriend, babe,” he says. He leans over to kiss Dex’s cheek, and then smacks his ass. “Including functioning as an alarm clock. Get your shoes on, bro, let’s go.”

 

The end of year Hockey banquet is always nice, but Nursey finds himself enjoying it more this year than previously. The Golf Course Clubhouse is way nicer than the dining hall where they have most of their team dinners, and so everyone’s on their best behavior--which is to say, just as loud and obnoxious as usual, but there’s a distinct lack of food throwing or “how many of this thing can I put in my mouth.” Nursey’s pretty sure he’d never want to be seen in an actual restaurant--other than maybe, like, a Denny’s or something--with most of them, but they’re actually cleaning up fairly nicely.

 

Rans and Holster make a senior speech (with accompanying PowerPoint, “Reflective Emotional Shit 2015-2016 with Ransom and Holster”) that has everyone, even Whiskey, wiping their eyes and sniffling. They head back to their seats, having received hugs and pats on the back from the coaches, and then Coach Hall gets up to the podium.

 

“Our next award, as most of you know, is the John Carlisle Award,” he says. “This award is given to the player who exemplifies the devotion and enthusiasm that every team needs for real cohesion and spirit.” He smiles at Chowder, who won last year, and Bitty, who Nursey knows won two years before, and then pauses for a moment, looking thoughtful.

 

“This year’s winner is in a unique set of circumstances for an athlete at this team’s level,” he continues after a few seconds. “He played this season through challenges that a player with less investment in this team, and this sport, might not have been able to navigate. And with that investment, he brought a supportiveness, a positive energy, and a responsibility that helped bring us through the incredible season we just had.” He smiles broadly at the room. “It’s my pleasure to present this year’s Carlisle Award to Derek Nurse.”

 

Nursey blinks. “Wait,” he says. “What?” But Dex is grinning and shoving him out of his chair, and the whole team is clapping and whistling for him, so he makes his way up to the podium, only tripping once. “I...I don’t know what to say,” he says, taking Coach Hall’s hand when it’s offered and shaking it.

 

Coach Hall smiles, his hand warm around Nursey’s as he extends the plaque with the other. “You earned this, son,” he says. “You really came into your own this year. I’ve got two girls myself, and I damn sure couldn’t have been on a team like this at your age raising a baby.”

 

“I have a lot of help,” Nursey says.

 

Coach shakes his head. “Doesn’t take away from what you’ve done,” he says. “Or what it meant to the team to see you do it.” He squeezes Nursey’s hand and lets him go, and Nursey, a little dazed, walks back to his seat. Dex puts an arm around him as he drops into his chair, still a little stunned--he’s never won anything that wasn’t for his writing, and this hasn’t really sunk in yet--and he leans into Dex’s side slightly as Coach Hall starts talking again.

 

“And finally,” he says. “It’s that time of night where we announce your captain for the 2016-2017 school year. As you all know, your captain isn’t chosen by the coaching staff--captaincy is given to a player who displays exemplary leadership on the ice, on campus, and in the classroom, and has earned the respect of his teammates and coaches.”

 

Dex leans over to him. “Who’d you vote for,” he whispers.

 

Nursey kicks his ankle under the table. “That’s a secret,” he whispers back. He’s got his fingers crossed, but honestly, he’s not actually sure his vote will count, no matter how much he hopes he read the fine print right.

 

Coach Hall looks briefly down at the plaque in his hands, and then smiles, looking at them. “You know,” he says, clearly going off-speech, “there are days when I have folks ask me if I coached NHL, not NCAA. But there are a lot of policy differences between the league and us, and moments like this, I’m glad of them.” His smile turns into a grin, broad and proud. “Your captain, for the next school year, is our starting goalie, Christopher Chow.”

 

If Nursey had thought his own voice had been shocked when he’d been recognized, Chowder’s startled “ _what?_ ” is so utterly confused and delighted that Nursey bursts out laughing, clapping him on the shoulder.

 

“Go on, bro!” he says, probably barely audible over the whistles and cheers, and Chowder gets to his feet looking absolutely stunned, walking up to accept the engraved plaque from Coach Hall. Coach shakes his hand, gives him a firm pat on the back, and then pushes him none-too-gently up to the mic. Nursey whips out his phone to record him--Farmer will _definitely_ want to see this.

 

Chowder steps to the podium, carefully setting the plaque down. “I have no idea what to say,” he says, his voice shaking a little. “I didn’t--I didn’t prepare anything, because I didn’t think this was a possibility. That’s the trade-off, or it’s supposed to be--you play goalie, you don’t serve as captain.” He takes a visible breath, and then grins at the assembled team, and Nursey is so, _so_ fucking proud. This is his _best friend_.

 

“I can’t describe how grateful I am that you believe in me, that you’ve given me this opportunity. Serving as your goalie means I know how hard every single one of you works at every practice, at every game, to make this team the best it can possibly be--even if that means hitting pucks at me _way_ harder than is really necessary, and you guys know who you are.” A laugh goes up, and Chowder’s grin broadened. “I know that there are NCAA restrictions. I won’t be your captain on the ice during games, and I know whoever we elect as alternates will be just as dedicated, driven, and amazing as Rans and Holster. And off the ice, I’m gonna be there for all of you--from the locker room to the library.” He swallows, and Nursey thinks he might be biting back tears, and then he smiles again. “ _Thank you_ ,” he repeats, and the team goes up in wild applause again.

 

Nursey clicks off his camera as Chowder heads back to his seat, shoving it in his pocket so that he can greet him with a hug. “You had my vote, C,” he says into his ear. “And you fucking deserve it.”

 

Chowder hugs him back, tightly. “Thanks,” he says. He pulls back, and his grin goes all the way across his face. “And for you, that captain thing goes everywhere--past the library and all the way to the nursery, got it?”

 

Nursey laughs as they take their seats again. “Careful what you promise,” he says, as Dex’s arm slings companionably around his shoulders again. “We’re starting potty training soon.”

 

Dex drives them back to Nursey’s place, their hands laced together over the gearshift. Maya’s with Sofi tonight--well, with Malaya, really; Sofi has a banquet of her own for academic honors--so they’ll have the place to themselves.

 

“Where are you gonna put it, do you think?” Dex asks, stopping at the light on Nursey’s corner and nodding at the plaque in Nursey’s lap.

 

“I don’t know,” Nursey says. He traces a finger over the smooth embossed glass. “Not really childproof. Probably on one of the taller bookshelves, where she can’t pull it down.” He glances at Dex, his profile strong and almost glowing in the streetlights outside. “I still can’t stop feeling like I didn’t really earn it, y’know? It’s not like I did anything different from last year.”

 

“No,” Dex agrees. He squeezes his hand. “But now people _know_ what you’re doing. How hard you’re working. What you’re giving up, the time you spend with us when you could be with Maya. That you don’t just show up to practice and put on a grin and make us laugh and then kick our asses on the ice, but you do all that after you said goodbye to your kid at daycare.”

 

The light turns green, and Dex takes the left into the parking lot. “None of us know what that’s like, but we all know it’s...how much it _takes_ , to be able to do that. You’re amazing, Nursey, and you deserve to be recognized for it.”

 

Nursey’s glad he doesn’t blush visibly, but still, this is a lot--Dex is starting to talk more openly about feelings, a far cry from the closed-up walls he’d had at the beginning of their freshman year, but _still_. “Babe,” he says, half a protest. “Come on.”

 

“You come on,” Dex says. He pulls into Nursey’s spot and turns off the car. “I mean, Jesus, D, I’d have voted for you for the C if I didn’t think you’d murder me for it.”

 

“ _Fuck_ , no,” Nursey says, horrified at the prospect. “I appreciate the confidence, but I do not need any more responsibility in my life, William.”

 

Dex turns the car off, which automatically turns the inside light on, so Nursey can actually see his face. He’s grinning, fond and amused and oddly soft. “I know that,” he says. “So just take your other award, and accept that you’re great and people _realize_ that you’re great, and that I love you.”

 

Nursey rolls his eyes. “Fine,” he says, and he _is_ a little proud of himself, if he’s honest, to have this proof that people think he’s doing a good job.

 

And then Dex’s words catch up to him, and he does a double take to look at him. “Wait,” he says. “Wait, did you just say you--”

 

Dex flushes bright red, looking down. “It’s been true for a long time,” he says, mumbling it in the vague direction of the steering wheel, and Nursey _stares_ , he hasn’t felt this elated since the first time Maya said his name. “I’ve just been. Waiting, I guess. To tell you. You don’t have to say it back yet, if you don’t want to, I--”

 

Nursey reaches out to put a hand against Dex’s cheek, turns his face toward him. Dex’s skin is hot under his fingers. “I love you,” he says, meaning it with every cell in his body. “I _love you_ , and I’d show you only this car really isn’t big enough for me to get on your lap in the front seat. So come inside with me, and let me show you.”

 

Dex parts his lips, and then, slowly, grins. “I’m gonna end up needing another shower,” he says. “Aren’t I?”

 

“Tell me love me a few more times,” Nursey says, reaching for the handle of his door and tossing a wink over his shoulder. “And we’ll see how it goes.”

 

…

 

Dex wakes up to the sound of Maya sniffling over the baby monitor.

 

He’s not sure when he became such a light sleeper, but the soft, snuffling almost-cries are enough to jolt him awake. He’s in Nursey’s bed, which is a first for this week--they’ve both been studying like hell for finals, and came to a mutual agreement that sleepovers would lead to not nearly enough work getting done--but he’d come over tonight just for dinner and to spend some time relaxing and playing with Maya, and one thing had led to another, and...well. He groans, untucking his legs from the backs of Nursey’s knees, and starts trying to worm his arm out from under Nursey’s neck.

 

Nursey makes a soft sound. “Gimme a sec,” he mumbles into the pillow. “I’ll get up.”

 

Dex kisses his bare shoulder. “It’s okay,” he says, and means it. “I’ll get her.”

 

“Don’ have to,” Nursey says, still half-muffled. “I’m goin’ I swear.”

 

“Shh. I got it. Go back to sleep.” He climbs out of bed, pulling on the first pair of sweatpants his hand makes contact with--Nursey’s, he thinks, tying the drawstring, they’re really too soft to be his--and scrubs a hand over his face, heading for Maya’s room.

 

She’s awake when he opens the door, standing up at the side of her crib. She isn’t crying, but she’s clearly upset; the nightlight is enough for him to see the uncertain-unhappy, can’t-decide-if-I’m-ready-to-cry expression on her face. As soon as she sees him, she stretches out her arms with a whimper, apparently utterly unconcerned that he’s not Nursey. “Des,” she says, plaintive, and he lifts her into his arms.

 

Immediately, she snuggles her face into his neck, sniffling against his skin, and he shushes her gently. “Shh, baby,” he murmurs, keeping his voice low just in case Nursey managed to go back to sleep. “What happened, huh? Bad dream?” He pats at her bottom, but she’s not wet, just emotional, so he shifts her in his grip so that she’s more against his chest than his side, where his heartbeat might relax her. “Shh, shh. I got you, baby love, you’re okay.”

 

Maya curls her fist against his bare chest, her face tucked close to him. “Des,” she says again, quieter now, and Dex feels his heart swell to the point where he feels like it might crack.

 

When the _fuck_ did he fall so stupidly in love--not just with Nursey, he can admit to himself that he’s been falling in love with Nursey since their first semester, but with this: with quiet domesticity, with falling asleep tangled up in Nursey’s bed to the sound of Maya’s breathing over the monitor, to being willing to get out of his boyfriend’s arms at three in the morning to cradle this perfect little girl back to sleep?

 

Just thinking about it makes him dizzy, makes him think about all the ways he feels like he could do this for the rest of his life.

 

It’s because it’s the middle of the night, he tells himself, walking the room with Maya as she starts to settle against his shoulder. It’s normal to think all sorts of things in the middle of the night.

 

He wanders in circles around the room, rubbing Maya’s back, despite his heavy eyes. He sings “House at Pooh Corner” and “Circle Game” and “Sweet Baby James,” and feels her finally doze off halfway through “Goodnight my Angel.” Swallowing the lump in his throat, he finishes the verse-- _and like a boat out on the ocean I’m rocking you to sleep, the water's dark and deep, you'll always be a part of me_ \--and then settles her back down on her back.

 

Her arms sprawl out, her face lax and gentle in sleep, and Dex takes a deep breath, reaching down to gently brush the back of his fingers over her cheek. “Sweet dreams, Maya,” he whispers, and tiptoes out of the room, closing the door behind him.

 

Nursey’s sitting up in bed when he gets back, staring at Dex in the semi-darkness as he approaches, which catches him off-guard. “Hey,” Dex says, a little surprised. “You didn’t go back to sleep?”

 

“I could hear you through the monitor,” Nursey says, something strange in his voice that Dex can’t really place.

 

Dex opens his mouth to apologize, but Nursey reaches up and pulls him into bed, his hands pressed to Dex’s cheeks.

 

The kiss catches Dex off-guard but he manages to steady himself on one arm so that he doesn’t totally crush Nursey as they fall back onto the pillows, Nursey’s mouth hot and fierce on his. It’s not a sexual kiss, they’ve been together long enough now that Dex can tell the difference--it’s one of those kisses where Nursey’s putting every bit of emotion in his body into it, because for all his literary genius, sometimes he just doesn’t have words.

 

When they finally part, breathless and half-hard, Dex readjusts so that he’s only putting half his weight on Nursey, balanced on his forearms, and manages, “Nursey, what--”

 

“Stay with me,” Nursey says, interrupting. “Stay with me this summer.”

 

Dex stares down at him in the darkness of the room. There’s just barely enough for him to see Nursey’s expression, wide and vulnerable and so full of love it makes Dex shake to look at him. But-- “I wish I could,” he says. He lifts one hand so he can touch Nursey’s cheekbone. “You know I have to work over the summer.”

 

Nursey’s skin warms under his hand, the only clue he ever gets when he’s flushing. “There are student jobs open at the Samwell library,” he says. “Info desk stuff. And campus IT wants summer workers, too. I looked. I wanted--”

 

He takes a breath. “I hoped,” he says, and Dex could melt into him, could never move ever again.

 

Instead, he leans down to kiss him again, slow and deep and sweet, because he doesn’t have the words, either.

 

“Yes,” he says, when they separate. “Absolutely. Yes.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings (mild spoilers): accidental coming out (everything's fine!), a character self-censoring due to concerns about how religion/nationality might be perceived
> 
> not pictured in this chapter:  
> dex, a helpless gay, wondering How Soon is Too Soon to buy his boyfriend a ring because he's utterly in love with him and his baby;  
> nursey, The Most Extra Bisexual To Ever Live, who may or may not have a password-protected chrome folder of rings he's already looked at; and  
> chowder, who is really sure that "leadership on and off the ice" really doesn't extend to this kind of nonsense.
> 
> ok it took me an eternity to write this but ummm at least it's long? 
> 
> alsooooo yes, unpopular opinion, but I don't think Bitty should be captain. I'm sure he will be anyway, but SORRY NOT SORRY. in the "A" discussion not pictured, Bitty and Whiskey end up as on-ice alternates. OKAY??? OKAY??????? 
> 
> one more chapter to go! just fyi, in true romantic comedy style, 100% of the actual angst and drama will be packed into the last chapter. so just. y'know. hang out and look forward to that. 
> 
> wanna yell at me about stuff? i'm on tumblr! @geniusorinsanity


	4. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Living together officially is...an adjustment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for accidentally taking a month and a half to finish this chapter. also for cramming a whole bunch of angst into it. just remember that this fic is a romance and will have a happy ending and there's nothing to worry about.
> 
> see the end notes for some very mild content warnings (contains spoilers!).

Living together officially is...an adjustment.

 

Nursey knows it’s temporary, just for the summer, and there are days when he’s actually a little glad of it, because he is pretty sure he might murder his boyfriend otherwise.

 

They clash the most in the morning, which makes sense--it’s the most time-crunched part of their day; both of them trying to maneuver in the bathroom and kitchen at the same time while simultaneously figuring out who’s getting Maya ready for daycare on the days they have her. It takes them very little time to realize that showering together on their kid-free days does _not_ , in fact, save time--just the opposite, actually--and that sharing one car between them when their jobs are in different directions means a lot of logistical work.

 

It’s all a lot of logistical work, actually.

 

“I gotta be honest,” Dex tells him, two weeks in. It’s nine-thirty and they’re already in bed, Dex’s arm slung over Nursey’s waist and Nursey’s head flopped onto Dex’s shoulder. Maya’s been down for forty-five minutes and they’ve just finished cleaning the house and trying to prep a little for tomorrow. “When you asked me to move in, I thought it’s be a lot more spontaneous and constant sex, and a lot less constant exhaustion and peanut butter and jelly.”

 

Nursey snorts, and kisses his shoulder. “You said you wanted in,” he says.

 

Dex grins. “You’re right,” he admits. “I did.”

 

But they smooth things out. Dex learns to navigate the labyrinth of Tupperware in Nursey’s cabinets to find the tiny ones that go in Maya’s lunchbox, and stops packing four cherry tomatoes into the entree-sized ones. Nursey figures out that if he lets Dex shower first, he can get Maya out of bed, make her breakfast, and get coffee started by the time Dex gets out and dressed, and that he can turn getting Maya ready for school--except for doing her hair, which takes more practice than Dex can pick up in a few weeks--over to Dex while he hops into the shower himself.

 

Maya, for her part, delights in having both of them. She has a language spike in June, and chatters constantly to them over the breakfast table in a garbled mix of baby talk, Spanish, Arabic, and English--her actual sentences are usually only two or three words strung together, but Nursey’s so proud of her he feels like he could melt. He takes video every morning and sends them to all four of his parents, while Dex grins at him over his coffee mug.

 

“What,” Nursey says, hitting send on his latest clip, Maya chanting “Baba café plátano,” a song she’s made up about Nursey, his coffee mug, and the banana she’s currently mashing into her plate.

 

“Nothing,” Dex says, but his eyes are warm and fond, his long fingers wrapped around his cup. “Just--I like you like this.”

 

Nursey cocks an eyebrow. “Like what? Maya, baby, that was cute when you started, but you need to actually eat the banana.” She pauses, her hand outstretched over her plate, like she’s weighing her options. “Maya,” he says. Maya picks up the banana slice and puts it in her mouth, and he smiles at her. “Thank you, baby.” He looks back at Dex. “Sorry, babe. Like what?”

 

Dex shakes his head, smiling. “It’s fine. I like you here, like this, at home. You’re so…” His smile turns into a grin. “ _Chill_.”

 

Nursey snorts. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, William. I’m _always_ chill.”

 

“You’re full of--” Dex glances at Maya. “Poop. You’re full of _fake_ chill ninety percent of the time. Even with the team. I don’t know if it’s because you’re really an introvert and the team’s way too loud and it throws you off, or if it’s because you’ve got anxiety--”

 

“Por que no los dos,” Nursey drawls, because fluent speaker or not, he's never met a meme he doesn't love.

 

Dex doesn’t dignify that with an answer. “--but this is the only place you’re actually really...I don’t know. _Calm_. Settled.” He smiles. “I like it.”

 

Nursey feels something warm and sweet blossom inside him. “Yeah?”

 

Dex smiles at him. “Yeah.”

 

Maya bounces in her seat. “Yeah!” she cheers, even though Nursey’s sure she’s got no clue what they were saying, their sentences way too complex for her. Still, he appreciates the enthusiasm.

 

Dex laughs. “Alright, banana girl. Let’s get you cleaned up so Baba can do your hair, huh?” He drains his coffee mug and picks up the damp washcloth he’d brought to the table, wiping Maya’s hands and face. “Ready for styling, bud.”

 

“Great,” Nursey says. He scoops Maya into his arms, nuzzles her nose, and then tilts his face expectantly towards Dex. Dex grins, and kisses his cheek exactly where Nursey had wanted him to, and it’s perfect.

 

…

 

 

Dex knew that Nursey and Sofia had mandatory Family Nights with the two of them and Maya during the school year. What he _hadn’t_ realized was that, with him and Malaya living with Nursey and Sofi, Family Nights included them, now, too.

 

Not, he realizes, on his fourth Family Night, playing Settlers of Catan in Sofi’s apartment after Maya’s been put to bed, that he actually minds. Sofia is warm and kind and funny, and Malaya, who Dex met for the first time in June, is wickedly smart and has a sense of humor that reminds him of Lardo: dry and sharp, but never mean.

 

And she clearly _adores_ Maya and Sofia, that’s obvious in the way she melts around them, the way her dark eyes go soft and sweet and gentle around them. She loves Nursey, too, though obviously differently--their friendship reminds Dex a lot of Lardo and Jack, only with more blatant chirping, with Sofia playing the role of a calmer, more frequently-clothed Shitty.

 

Love aside, Malaya’s clearly still willing to wipe the floor with all of them at Settlers, and Dex is _rapidly_ starting to realize why this game is banned in the Haus. “Alright,” she says. “That’s a road built out of one wood and four sheep--”

 

“I cannot believe I let you get that fucking sheep harbor,” Nursey grumbles from his spot on the floor, leaning up against Dex’s leg. “I’m drowning in a literal sea of regret.”

 

“Figuratively,” Sofia says.

 

“Bite me,” Nursey tells her.

 

“Been there, done that, had the baby,” she says cheekily. Nursey makes a face at her.

 

“A _hem_ ,” Malaya says. “If you two are done reminiscing, I wasn’t done. I’m building my road out of my one wood and my four sheep--”

 

“Fluffy-ass road,” Nursey mutters.

 

“ _And_ that’s a five-segment road, so I’ll take that Longest Road card, please.” She sits back on the couch, grinning smugly.

 

Sofia narrows her eyes at her. “Babes,” she says. “I don’t know if you’re aware, but smug isn’t a good look on you.”

 

Malaya smirks. “False,” she says. She nudges Dex with her toes under the coffee table. “Your roll, Poindexter.”

 

Dex takes the top of the game box they’ve been rolling the dice in and rolls. “Seven,” he says. Sofia counts the cards in her hand, groans, and starts discarding down.

 

Nursey looks up at him. “If you put that Robber on me, I swear to god I won’t sleep with you for a week.”

 

“That would be a great threat if I thought you could go through with it,” Dex says mildly. Still, Nursey’s not really the threat in this game, and he’s pretty sure Malaya’s sitting on a few points in her stack of Development Cards. He picks up the robber and moves it to her sheep tile. “Card, please,” he tells her.

 

She shrugs and holds out her hand. Dex takes a card.

 

Unsurprisingly, it’s a sheep. He sighs.

 

“I don’t know what you expected,” she told him.

 

“Well, I just blocked your sheep empire,” he says. “So.”

 

Malaya raises her eyebrows. “Dex, do you really think I can’t kick your ass without my sheep empire?”

 

“Do you think I couldn’t have kicked your ass _with_ your sheep empire?” he shoots back.

 

“Oh, Jesus,” Sofia sighs. “You’ve brought out their competitive streaks.”

 

Nursey shrugs. “Settlers brings it out in everyone. It’s banned in the Haus, you know.”

 

“So you told me.”

 

“Shush,” Dex says, waving a hand at them as he studies the board, trying to figure out what to do next. “I’m strategizing.”

 

Malaya grins, all teeth, and flips her bangs out of her face. “Please,” she says. “Be my guest.”

 

Sheep empire or no sheep empire, Malaya still cleans up, though Dex thinks he does pretty well, considering she gets back at him for the sheep thing by cutting off his ore supply and then throwing out knights every time he tries to get it back.

 

“You tried, baby,” Nursey says as they pack up the game, patting Dex’s knee. “I’m proud of you.”

 

“I’m banning this game,” Dex grumbles. “No more Settlers.”

 

“No one likes a sore loser, Poindexter,” Malaya chirps. She nudges Nursey’s ankle. “Hey, lazy. Come help me wash dishes.”

 

Nursey pouts up at her, all big green eyes.. “I’m a _guest_ ,” he simpers.

 

Dex has to give it to him, he has the puppy-eyed look _down_. Malaya, however, seems unmoved. “Buddy,” she says flatly. “That doesn’t work on me when your baby girl does it, and it doesn’t work on me when your baby mama does it. I _promise_ it’s not gonna work when you do it. _Up_.”

 

Nursey grumbles, but gets to his feet, collecting the napkins from the table and dumping them into the bowl from the chips they’d been snacking on, grabbing that and the empty salsa bowl and following Malaya into the kitchen. Dex watches them go.

 

“Wow,” Sofia says.

 

Dex startles a little, turning to look at her. “What?”

 

“Nothing,” she says, but she’s grinning. “Just--your face. You are _mush_ , huh?”

 

His face heats. “I’m--I mean.”

 

“Relax, I’m not gonna make fun of you.” She gets off the futon and comes around the coffee table to sit next to him on the loveseat, pulling up her knees and regarding him with thoughtful eyes. She’s in Northeastern sweatpants and an Andover hockey t-shirt that Dex is pretty sure was probably Nursey’s, judging by its size, her curly hair piled on top of her head in a loose bun. Despite her pajamas, her eyes are serious as she looks at him, and Dex gets the sudden impression that he’s being studied. “So.”

 

“So?” Dex echoes.

 

“You and I never really had a proper talk when you started dating my Derek, did we?”

 

Dex manages, through a very poorly thought-out combination of shock, inhaling, and swallowing, to get an entire sip of beer into his esophagus. He chokes, sputtering, and Sofia pats him on the back until he manages to breathe again. “ _Your_ Derek?” he wheezes.

 

Sofia smiles. “Just because he hasn’t been my boyfriend in years doesn’t mean he’s not mine anymore,” she says. “I’ll always have his back. And that means making sure that no one ever hurts him.”

 

Her smile is sweet, but there’s steel in it. Dex has gotten enough shovel talks in his life to know when he’s in the middle of one. “I’m not gonna hurt him, Sofi,” he says.

 

“You know he’s in love with you,” she says.

 

Dex catches his breath, his heart stuttering in his chest. They’ve exchanged _I love you_ s, he knows it, _feels_ it, but knowing Nursey’s told Sofia makes him feel…

 

“There’s that mushy face again,” Sofia says dryly. She pauses. “And Maya?”

 

“You don’t move in with someone with a kid unless you love their kid,” Dex says. “Even if it is only for a summer.” He pauses. “Would you have let Malaya move in with you if you weren’t sure about her?”

 

Sofia hums. “No, I wouldn’t.” She smiles, then, and it’s all warmth with no threat. “You’re good for him, Dex,” she says. “You make him happy.” She elbows him. “So don’t mess it up. Got it?”

 

Dex looks across the room to the cut-through into the kitchen, where Nursey and Malaya are bickering back and forth as they wash dishes, and smiles. “Not planning on it,” he says. “Not anytime soon.”

 

…

 

Halfway through July, Maya picks up a nasty bug from daycare.

 

Nursey takes it in stride when Sofia tells him as she drops Maya off with him--any daycare is pretty much a breeding ground of germs, and Maya gets sick a couple times a season.

 

“I don’t think it’s anything out of the ordinary,” Sofi says, gently passing Maya off into his arms. Nursey smooths her hair back, kisses her forehead, but she doesn’t wake up, just curls a sleepy hand into the sleeve of his t-shirt. “But she’s got a fever and Miss Elizabeth at school said she threw up twice.”

 

“Poor girl,” Nursey murmurs, rocking her. “We’ll keep her home tomorrow.”

 

Sofia nods, chewing on her lower lip. “You’ll call me if you need anything?”

 

“Course.” Nursey shifts Maya onto his hip. “You too, alright?”

 

“Yeah.” She kisses Maya’s forehead, then tiptoes up to kiss his cheek. “Love you.”

 

“Love you, too.”

 

Sofia leaves, and Nursey closes the door behind her. “Dexy,” he calls, soft.

 

Dex comes out of Maya’s room, where he’s been folding laundry--Nursey literally fucking loves him--and falters. “Oh,” he says. “She okay?”

 

“Caught something at daycare,” Nursey says. Dex’s face crumples into something worried and upset, and Nursey shakes his head. “Happens a lot. The real test’ll be tomorrow morning; sometimes these are just twelve-hour things.”

 

Dex gives an uncertain nod. “Gonna put her right to bed?”

 

“Think so. No point in waking her up and upsetting her. Need help moving the laundry?”

 

“No, I can get it.”

 

They weave around each other, surprisingly seamless. Nursey gets Maya changed into pajamas and takes out her braids, settling her into her crib, and she barely stirs once. “Poor thing,” Dex murmurs, when he comes back from moving the laundry to say goodnight to her.

 

Nursey kisses his shoulder. “The first time’s the hardest,” he says, because he still remembers how he melted down the first time Maya got sick after they'd brought her home from the hospital. “Come on. Let’s let her sleep.”

 

Maya’s no better in the morning, still feverish and fussy. Nursey walks her bedroom floor with her while she sniffles against his shoulder, clinging to his t-shirt, and tries to figure out the best way to handle the day.

 

“Here,” Dex says, coming in with a sippy cup of milk. Nursey takes it and offers it to Maya, but she turns her face away, and Dex leans in to kiss her shoulder. “Can’t send her to school, right?”

 

“Not a chance.” Nursey puts the cup down on Maya’s dresser, rubbing her back gently. “I’ll stay home with her.”

 

Dex frowns. “Don’t you have that presentation at work?”

 

Nursey shrugs as best he can. He’s been putting together a white paper on buying trends in queer fiction and poetry among emerging adults for his publishing internship and he was supposed to present it today, but shit happens. “They’ll probably let me reschedule,” he says. “Priya’s really good about family stuff.”

 

“I can stay with her,” Dex says.

 

“You--” Nursey blinks, surprised. Dex’s job with Samwell IT is hourly. So is Nursey’s internship, technically, but he’s an unpaid intern; if he takes a sick day, it’s not like he loses income. “Are you sure?”

 

“I’ll call now and see if I can get my shift switched,” Dex says, leaning over to kiss Nursey’s cheek gently. “You’ve been working on that research all summer.”

 

Nursey shifts Maya in his arms. She whines at the movement, clinging more tightly to his collar, and he shushes her with a kiss to her temple. “It’s my job,” he says, though he’s not sure which part he means--the research, or staying with Maya.

 

Dex shakes his head and holds out his arms. “I’ll stay with her,” he says, and Nursey passes Maya over to him. She snuggles herself immediately into Dex’s chest, and he settles her against him with an ease that’s gotten instinctive over the last few months. “Go get ready for work.”

 

Nursey allows himself another half second of indecision, and then nods. “Okay.”

 

He showers and gets dressed, grabbing a tie and slipping it into his messenger bag since he’s presenting for the higher-ups instead of just his usual supervisor, and then grabs his lunch from the fridge.

 

Dex walks him to the door, Maya still in his arms. Nursey aches to take her back--he hates leaving her when she’s sick. “Maybe I should stay,” he says.

 

“Nursey,” Dex says, a hint of exasperation in his tone. “We’ll be fine. You said it yourself, she gets sick all the time.”

 

“I know, I just…” Nursey curves a hand over the back of Maya’s head. She turns her face into his palm, and he strokes his thumb over her cheek. “She’s my baby, you know?”

 

Dex’s face softens. “I know, babe. I’ll text you updates all day, okay?” He leans forward, kisses Nursey gently, and then kicks his ankle a little less gently. “Now go. You’re gonna be late.”

 

With a last kiss to Maya’s hair, Nursey goes.

 

True to his word, Dex texts Nursey through the morning with little updates--on Maya’s temperature, which is a little higher than Nursey’s really comfortable with; on her mood, which seems to be decent, despite the fever; on her eating and drinking, which is, thank goodness, pretty normal.

 

He leaves his phone on his desk when he goes into his presentation in the early afternoon. It goes well--it’s niche research, but they’re a small indie publishing house, and niche markets are kind of their thing, and Priya prompts the directors to ask all of the questions he’d hoped they’d ask at the end. He’s floating a little by the time he gets back to his desk.

 

There are ten missed calls and five voicemails on his phone. Nursey’s blood goes cold.

 

“ _Derek, it’s Will--_ ” Dex’s voice is sharp with panic, more worried than Nursey’s ever heard it. _“I think--I think Maya just had a seizure, please call me back, I’m gonna call Sofia now. Call me. I love you.”_

 

“ _Der, me again, Sof said febrile seizures are a thing that happens in kids under five but I’m--I’m freaking the fuck out, can you call me back? Maya seems...she seems like she’s okay now, I think? Call me back. I love you.”_

 

“ _It’s me again. She had another one, and I--I don’t think that’s normal? I’m calling pediatric on-call. Derek, call me back.”_

 

“ _Derek, it’s me. I just realized you’re in your meeting--_ fuck. _On-call said to bring her to the ER so I’m taking her to Newton-Wellesley. Baby,_ call me back. _”_

 

“ _Derek? It’s Sofia. Will just called me about Maya and told me he hasn’t been able to reach you and you’ve been in a meeting. I’m on my way to the hospital now. Baby I need you to not panic, okay? Everything’s going to be fine, and this is not your fault. Everything’s going to be fine. I love you. Just get here.”_

 

Nursey takes his phone away from his ear. His hand is shaking so badly it takes him three tries to call Sofia back.

 

She picks up on the first ring. “Derek?”

 

“Sof,” he croaks.

 

“Are you on your way? Malaya and I were in Providence, I’m literally stuck on 95 right now, I’m going to _murder_ someone right now--”

 

“I just got out of the meeting,” he says. “I’m gonna get an Uber. Sofi, I--”

 

“Don’t,” she says, gentle but firm. She’s talked him through a hundred panic attacks with this voice, staved off who knows how many more before they’ve gotten started. “Babe, hold it together, okay? We can break down together later but you need to go get there for our girl.”

 

“I--” He takes a shaking breath. “Okay. Okay.”

 

“And call Will,” she adds. “He’s freaking out.”

 

Nursey swallows. “Okay.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“Love you,” he echoes, and hangs up.

 

With trembling hands, he orders an Uber to Newton-Wellesley, and then he calls Dex.

 

…

 

Dex is in the uncomfortable chair in Maya’s room when a medical assistant comes back with Nursey at her side. It takes less than a glance to see that Nursey is a mess, his eyes worried and his face tense with panic.

 

“Baby,” he says, getting to his feet, but Nursey moves past him like he doesn’t even see him, leaning over the bed, where Maya is asleep with monitors taped to her forehead and and nestled into her curls. His hand shakes as he reaches out to touch her cheek. “Derek?”

 

He puts a tentative hand on Nursey’s shoulder, and Nursey shudders.

 

“I should have been there,” he whispers. He sounds broken, and Dex struggles not to bristle, because he _was_ there--he had to watch it happen, go through the terrifying aftermath of Googling and calling Nursey and then Sofia, of frantically waiting for Maya to come back to herself, of then doing it all over _again_. Nursey should be comforting _him_ , not the other way around.

 

Still, the tense, trembling line of Nursey’s shoulders lets him know that now’s not the time to go there. “Hey,” he says softly. “There wasn’t anything you could’ve done, Nursey. The doctor said they’re monitoring her but that she’s probably going to be fine, they’re giving her some more Tylenol and cool compresses to try to bring her fever down a little more but we were doing that anyway--”

 

Nursey shakes his head. “It’s not the point,” he says. “I shouldn’t have left her.”

 

Dex frowns. “You left her with _me_ ,” he says. “Not by herself in a ditch, Nursey. What would you have done differently?”

 

“I don’t--” Nursey breaks off, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t _know_ , I just--I should have been there with her. It should have been me. I’m her father.”

 

Dex bristles. “And I’m--what, no one? I’m there with you every day, Nursey, I’m there with _her_ every day, I’m with her whenever you’re with her--”

 

“You’re my boyfriend,” Nursey says, finally looking up from Maya. “You’re my boyfriend, and I love you, and I know you love her, but you’re not her _dad_ , Will!”

 

Something in the strained set of Nursey’s shoulders and the tremor still visible in his hands sets distant alarm bells ringing in Dex’s ears, but he’s suddenly too frustrated and hurt to pay them any attention. “Right,” he snaps back, his voice louder than he means it to be. “I’m just the guy living with you and taking care of _your_ kid while you’re too busy to have your damn phone on, right?”

 

The blood drains out of Nursey’s face, and Dex realizes he’s gone too far.

 

Before he can apologize, though, Maya stirs in her bed and starts to cry, and Nursey turns on his heel, ignoring Dex’s presence like he’s not even there. “Hey, baby girl,” he says, his voice a cracked whisper. “Maya, hayiti, ‘iinaha Baba, I’m here, baby, shh.”

 

Dex stays just long enough to watch Maya’s eyes open, to see her see Nursey and reach up to press her hand to his face, and he grabs his backpack and leaves, his heart in his throat.

 

He makes it all the way to back to the parking lot before he realizes there’s no way he’s actually going to leave. He can’t, no matter how angry he is, not before he knows that Maya’s okay.

 

With a shaking sigh, he walks back through the Emergency Department doors, shaking his head at the lady at the front desk when she blinks at him in recognition--she’d checked him in earlier. He sinks down into one of the ugly chairs, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. The hospital’s freezing, and he shivers a little, rubbing one bare arm under the sleeve of his t-shirt. He wishes he’d thought to grab a sweatshirt before he’d left the apartment earlier, but in his panic to get out of the apartment with Maya, it’s probably a wonder he’d remembered to grab her insurance information off the refrigerator.

 

The waiting room buzzes around him with quiet activity, people moving in and out. It’s the middle of the day, so there’s not a lot of drama, and he’s glad--he doesn’t think he could take much more drama. Dex rubs at his eyes and lets himself zone out a little, keeping a grip on his phone. He checks the battery a few times, anxious, but it’s got enough of a charge. Even if Nursey’s pissed at him, Sof or Malaya will probably text him when they get here.

 

Absently, he looks toward the door, then realizes he might have missed them come in while he was blanking out in the parking lot. He chews the inside of his cheek and bounces his leg, anxious. He thinks about sucking up his pride and just going back to Maya’s room, but he's not actually sure if they’ll let him back now that there's no more crisis.

 

Dex sighs and closes his eyes, tilting his head back against the wall. He loses track of how long he sits there, turning his phone in his hands and trying to keep his breathing even. He’s never had anxiety before, but he wonders if this is how people get it, sitting in hospital waiting rooms, worried and wondering.

 

The chair beside him rustles as someone sits down. “Hey, Poindexter,” Malaya says, and Dex snaps his eyes open, sitting bolt upright to look at her. She gives him a tired smile, and he searches her face frantically for any signs of panic, but her expression is calm, if a little drained.

 

“Maya?” he asks.

 

“Sleeping,” she says. She holds out a paper coffee cup. He takes it. “Nursey said you take it with two sugars,” she continues, and he pauses with it halfway to his lips. Malaya smiles. “He’s okay, before you ask.”

 

“I shouldn’t’ve yelled at him,” Dex mutters, taking the lid off the cup and putting it down on the empty chair next to him before taking a careful sip.

  
Malaya shrugs, sitting back and pulling one leg up onto her chair as she sips her own coffee. “Everyone has the fight eventually,” she says. “You just got unlucky with the timing.”

 

He raises his eyebrows. “‘The fight’?” he echoes.

 

“The ‘not your kid’ fight,” she says. He snorts, and she gives the arm not holding his coffee a gentle jostle with her elbow. “Seriously. It was always going to happen. You weren’t expecting it?”

 

“I wasn’t expecting...any of this.” Dex shakes his head, runs a hand through his hair. “I mean, I...I knew I wanted Nursey. I always wanted Nursey. But Maya, I never expected...I didn’t expect to love her so much. And I was _there_ , when she--when it happened, and he wasn’t, and I know it’s not the same _thing_ , but--”

 

He trails off, at a loss for words. He’s not really sure what it is he’s trying to express. Nursey _hadn’t_ brushed him off, not really, he just hadn’t put Dex _first_ the way Dex had really wanted him to, hadn’t asked if he was okay before going to Maya, but then, hadn’t Nursey told him that from day one?

 

But at the same time, he’d _felt_ pushed over, like he’d been nothing more than a babysitter, like his worry and fear hadn’t mattered as much as Nursey’s did.

 

Saying that will make him sound like an asshole, though, so he looks at Malaya, a little helpless. She raises an eyebrow at him, as if trying to make sure he’s really done talking, and then sighs. “Look,” she says. “I get it, okay? It’s--it’s an awkward place to be, coming in when they’re still so little. Maya was ten months old when Sofi and I got together, and I at least knew about her before that; I’ve known that girl since she was eight months old, you think I don’t know how you feel? Like I don’t feel like I’m half her mom sometimes? Like I didn’t wanna strangle Derek every time he came to pick Maya up?”

 

Dex snorts--he’s felt the same flare of jealousy when Sofia’s come by at the end of their weekends. Malaya gives him a half-smile in return. “No one’s saying that we don’t matter. Or that our relationships with Maya don’t matter. But Sof and Derek, they--what they have with her, it’s different. And if we stay with them, we’re always gonna have to deal with that, even though it’s complicated and frustrating and infuriating sometimes. And it’s on us to learn how to live with that.”

 

“And you never…” Dex curls in on himself a little, feeling almost ashamed of the question he’s about to ask. “You never feel like it’s too much?”

 

Malaya smiles, looking down at her coffee. “All the time,” she says.

 

Dex waits, but she doesn’t say more. He nudges her gently. “But you stay,” he prompts.

 

She looks at him in surprise. “Well, yeah,” she says. “It’s worth it. They’re worth it.”

 

He huffs out a laugh, looking down into his coffee. The paper cup is still warm against his fingers, but all he wants is to be holding Nursey’s hand. “Yeah,” he says, and feels a coil of surprise in his gut at how much he means it. “They’re worth everything.”

 

…

 

 

 

The ER discharges Maya in the early evening when her EEG comes back clean and normal. The pediatric neurologist gives them calm instructions to keep her fever down and bring her back in right away if she has another seizure within a forty-eight hour window, but her temp’s down under a hundred and she’s been awake and squirming around for the last few hours, complaining about being stuck in the bed, and Nursey feels a million miles less anxious.

 

He can see his own relief reflected in sharp lines on Dex’s face, and something in his chest loosens.

 

They haven’t talked yet about what happened. Malaya had come back from “getting coffee” a few hours ago with Dex in tow, and when Nursey had gotten to his feet, opening his mouth--to apologize, or ask if he’s okay, or see if they’re still fighting, or something, he’s not sure--Dex had just crossed the room and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tight.

 

“Later,” he’d said into Nursey’s ear, and his voice is gentle, and Nursey had sagged against him in relief at the tone of his voice, the grip of his arms.

 

Whatever else is going on, they’re okay.

 

By silent, almost psychic agreement, Sofia holds Maya on her hip while Nursey signs her discharge paperwork, and Nursey carries her out to the parking lot and carries her out to Sofi’s car. It’s Nursey’s night with her, technically, but something about the look on Sofia’s face is telling him that she needs this right now, and he loves them both enough not to push it.

 

Still, even as Nursey’s ducking out of the car from buckling Maya into her carseat, he sees Sofia looking thoughtful, chewing her bottom lip. “What’s up,” he says.

 

Sofia reaches out and takes his hand. “Why don’t you and Dex come back with us? I can tell you don’t want to leave her, and our couch pulls out into a bed, you can stay over--”

 

“That’d be great,” Nursey says, relief coursing through him in a wave. She doesn’t need to convince him. He pauses and glances at Dex. “Do you…”

 

“Yes,” Dex says immediately. “Please.”

 

Nursey gives him a small smile, and Dex returns it. “We’ll meet you at your place?” he tells Sofia.

 

She nods, standing on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “Sounds good.”

 

Dex is quiet as they walk back to Nursey’s car, but he keeps one hand on the small of Nursey’s back, almost guiding. An undercurrent of _we need to talk_ hangs heavy between them, but neither of them address it.

 

“I’ve still got your keys,” Dex says, when they reach the car. He gives Nursey a considering look, then says, “Do you want me to drive?”

 

“Please,” Nursey says. He’s narrowly avoided a full-on panic attack by the skin of his teeth today--a lucky thing, since he hadn't taken a Xanax because he'd had to stay lucid enough to handle paperwork and talk to doctors--but he feels shaky and shivery and awful. He could drive if he had to, but he really shouldn’t if there’s another option.

 

Dex just nods and gets in the driver’s seat.

 

Sofi and Malaya beat them back to her apartment by a few minutes, and when they get upstairs and let themselves in--Nursey’s had his own key since Sofi moved in--Sofi greets them with a grin. “Hey,” she says. “Guess who’s perked up?”

 

Nursey blinks in surprise, and then looks past her to see Maya on her playmat, happily building a block tower while Malaya looks on. She looks clear-eyed and _right_ , her face bright and focused on her toys, and he sags a little against Dex, who’s just come in behind him.

 

“Hey,” Dex says gently. “You okay?”

 

“I’m good,” Nursey says. “I’m good.” He takes a deep breath, and calls, “Hey, baby girl!”

 

Maya looks up, and her face breaks into a beaming smile. “Baba!” she says gleefully, like it’s been hours and not minutes since they’ve seen each other, and Nursey goes over to hug her, and they told him in the hospital that she was okay but seeing her properly at home, sitting and playing and happy and bright, he believes it.

 

It’s not until later, tucked under an old handmade quilt on Sofia’s pull-out couch, that he and Dex finally talk, both of them lying on their sides, facing each other, about a foot of space between them.

 

(He knows, from conversations with his therapist, that Important Relationship Talks shouldn’t be had like this, in bed. Bed should be for intimacy and sleep. But it is what it is.)

 

Nursey starts, because he doesn’t think Dex will. “I’m sorry I raised my voice at you,” he says quietly, because if nothing else, he _is_ sorry for that. He’s not sorry for what he said, because he stands by it. But the way he said it-- “I was scared, and upset, and…” He swallows, and shakes his head. “It still wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”

 

“I forgive you.” Dex is quiet for a moment. He extends a hand between them, and Nursey slips his own hand into it. “I was hurt by what you said, but I...it’s not like I don’t know you’re right, deep down. I guess I just…” He takes a deep breath, and then another. Nursey waits. He knows Dex needs to think things like this through, or he ends up saying the wrong thing.

 

“Before we got together,” Dex says finally, softly, running his thumb over the back of Nursey’s knuckles, “you kept telling me that I deserved someone who would put me first. And today was the first time that I actually felt like you--like you didn’t, at all. Like you didn’t even see me.”

 

“Babe,” Nursey says, before he can stop himself, but Dex shakes his head.

 

“And I got that, sort of, because Maya was in trouble and you were scared. I could understand it, really. But you said you should have been there, that you could have done something that I wouldn’t, and…”

 

He stops himself, and then squeezes Nursey’s hand. “I guess I just. I love Maya, Nursey. I _love_ her, so much it scares me. I love _you_ so much it scares me. And I just...I don’t know, Nursey. I know I’m not her dad, I know my relationship with her is different and that it’s always gonna be based on my relationship with you, but it _freaks me out_ how scared I was today that I might lose her, and I…I don’t know. I guess it makes me worry that maybe you were right, and I wasn’t ready for this.”

 

Nursey’s chest goes tight. “So what--what are you saying?”

 

“I don’t know what I’m saying.” Dex sounds tired and sad. “I don’t want to break up. I meant it when I said I love you. I’m just scared that--what if we’re moving too fast?” Nursey’s hand is shaking now in Dex’s grasp, and Dex must be able to feel it, because he squeezes it, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing the back. “Hey, hey hey hey. Breathe, baby, okay? I said I don’t want to break up and I mean it. Breathe, Derek.”

 

Nursey swallows hard and tries to breathe. Dex scoots a little closer to him, lets go of his hand and wraps his arm around Nursey’s waist instead, pulling him against his chest so Nursey’s cheek is against his heart and he can feel Dex’s slow, even inhales.

 

Slowly, the waves of panic recede, and he takes a ragged breath. “Sorry,” he says roughly, reaching a hand between them to wipe at his face. “I’m--fuck, I’m sorry. It’s just...it’s been a day.”

 

“It’s okay.” Dex kisses his forehead. “I’m sorry too. I should have thought about how this would sound.”

 

He thinks that Dex will let him go now that he’s calmer, that they’ll shift back to their original positions to keep talking, but Dex keeps his arms around him, one hand stroking gently over Nursey’s back. It’s soothing, grounding, and Nursey closes his eyes, resting his head against Dex’s chest.

 

“I want to be in this for the long haul,” Dex says after a few moments of silence, broken only by their breathing. “But I think...I think I need to take a step back. To...to get both of our expectations back to something more reasonable. I don’t know how to do things halfway, Nursey, and I don’t want to want too much too soon.”

 

Nursey nods against his sternum, but says nothing, waiting.

 

“So I think...I think I should move into my room at the Haus for the rest of the summer. And we’ll go back to what things were like during the school year. We’ll make time for each other but it won’t be...as overwhelming, you know?”

 

The hesitance is audible in his voice. Nursey lifts his head, and reaches up to touch his fingertips to Dex’s jaw. “You won’t disappear,” he says, trying to keep the worry out of his voice. “Right?”

 

Dex shakes his head, visible even in the darkness of the room. “I could never,” he says.

 

When Dex leans in to kiss him, Nursey can taste the truth of the words on his lips.

 

…

 

The rest of the summer is bittersweet.

 

Dex moves into Lardo’s room on a sunny Saturday. _His_ room, now, he reminds himself--he’d fought hard for those Dibs, even though Lardo had privately told him that, with the amount of work Nursey had done for her on her thesis, she’d probably have given them to him if he hadn’t been living off-campus. Bitty’s the only other person in the Haus--Chowder, Ollie, and Wicks aren’t back for pre-season yet, but Bitty’s spent most of the summer back-and-forth between Samwell, where he’s working for a bakery, and Providence, with Jack. He’d looked a little surprised to see Dex moving in, but when Dex had told him that he and Nursey hadn’t broken up, just needed some space, he’d relaxed a bit.

 

Nursey shows up--sans Maya; it’s Sofia’s night--later that afternoon to help him unpack. He buys Dex pizza and beer (because his fake ID is better than Dex’s, and also his ever-present stubble makes him look about forty), and they eat it on Dex’s floor, and then Dex presses Nursey back against his new bed and they christen the hell out of his new sheets.

 

“We’re okay,” Dex says afterwards, when they’re sweaty and plastered against each other, still breathing hard. “Right?”

 

“We’re okay,” Nursey murmurs. He draws his fingertips gently over the hair trailing from Dex’s navel down to his groin, and Dex shivers a little, still oversensitive. Nursey huffs a soft laugh and kisses his shoulder. “I think...I think you were probably right. About a lot of what you said. We did move really fast.”

 

Dex shifts, turning to look at him. The late afternoon sunlight has painted shades of gold across Nursey’s skin, highlighting the lighter strands in his hair and bringing out the green in his eyes. He’s so, so fucking beautiful. “I don’t regret it,” he says. “None of it.”

 

“I know, baby.” Nursey’s smile is soft and warm. He hesitates, and then lays his hand against Dex’s cheek, his palm heavy. Dex leans into the touch. “When we got together and I told you you were _young_ and you wouldn’t know what was best for you, I...I wasn’t really being fair to you. You were right to call me on my shit like you did. The only relationship I’ve had other than you is Sofi, and that wasn’t exactly _normal_. I don’t...I don’t know what I’m doing any more than you do.”

 

He says it quietly, like it pains him to admit it, and part of Dex is willing to bet that it _does_. For all his self-deprecation and anxiety, Nursey _hates_ admitting he’s been wrong about something, even when it’s something small--he even insists that they have to wait til _Game of Thrones_ officially ends because “I’m telling you man, she’s not _really_ dead.”--and Dex knows what it takes for him to say it about something like this.

 

Dex takes a careful breath. This is fragile. “So we’ll figure it out,” he says. “We’ll figure it out together. You and me and Maya.” He slips his fingers under Nursey’s chin and tilts his face up. “Okay?”

 

Nursey nods. “Okay,” he says. “Sounds good.”

 

For all Dex had said _the rest of the summer_ , there’s actually not that much summer left. It’s already late July, and pre-season starts in mid-August, two weeks before school starts. He goes to his internship in the mornings, spends two or three nights a week at Nursey’s--always at least one while Maya’s there--and tries to readjust to not being (or having) a live-in boyfriend anymore.

 

Frankly? For all he knows it was the right choice for them, it _sucks_.

 

He misses _everything_. He misses not having to coordinate their schedules anymore. He misses waking up to Nursey, sleep-rumpled and gorgeous in his arms. He misses slow, lazy morning sex, shushing each other and laughing so they don’t wake Maya. He misses _Maya_ like a fucking _limb_ , misses the way her face would light up when he’d come out of the shower to see her at the breakfast table, smeared with yogurt or granola or mashed-up bananas. He misses lying on the floor with her and reading Dr. Seuss books, misses watching Nursey do her hair, misses trying to decipher what language she’s learning to jabber to him.

 

After a week of moping, Bitty sits him down to the kitchen table. “Listen, honey,” he says tartly, giving Dex a slice of pie--maple-apple, _subtle_ , apples aren’t even in season--“I get that you’re sad about moving out of Nursey’s place. But this? With the sad eyes and the looking out the window and the staring at your phone? _Dex_.”

 

Dex huffs, crossing his arms. “I follow you on Twitter, Bitty,” he says. “It’s not like you’ve never done the _sad boyfriend_ thing.”

 

Bitty narrows his eyes, the barest hint of the _bless your heart_ expression Dex knows is just a veiled _fuck you_ , and then he smiles. “You’re allowed to be sad, Dex,” he says.

 

“I just feel stupid. I still see him all the time, I’m just…” Dex waves a hand, and then flushes, feeling even _dumber_ , because that’s a gesture he picked up from Nursey. He used to be so limited, restricted in his expressions, always keeping everything so tight to his body--his face and skin are so expressive on their own he doesn’t need any _help_ showing his emotions or reactions. And now it’s not just his heart and brain that’s missing Nursey, his _body_ is, too.

 

 _Dumb_.

 

“ _Am_ I being stupid?” he asks Bitty.

 

Bitty reaches across the table and pats his hand. “You’re not stupid,” he says. “You’re just in love.”

 

“It sucks,” Dex mutters. Bitty snorts a laugh. “It _does_ ,” he complains.

 

“Oh, honey,” Bitty says. He shoves Dex’s pie closer to him. “Trust me. I know.”

 

…

 

Dex goes home to Maine for a week before pre-season begins.

 

It’s the longest they’ve been apart since they got together. Before he leaves, Dex tells him that Bitty had called him out on his moping, and Nursey had snickered at him, but now, with Dex gone for four days, he’s starting to think Bitty might have been onto something.

 

“Baba,” Maya says, bouncing on the couch and looking over the back at him while he makes her dinner. “Baba, want Des.”

 

“I know, baby,” Nursey says. He cuts her pita into smaller pieces and added a few slices of cucumber to the plate, then a smear of the hummus he’d made last night while he’d been awake--his body’s still readjusting to falling asleep without Dex’s comforting warmth at his back. “I miss him too.”

 

Maya climbs down off the couch and comes over to the kitchen, and Nursey sets her plate on the breakfast bar and then steps around to lift her up into a stool. He puts his own plate next to hers, and then sits next to her. Maya pokes at his phone. “Call,” she says.

 

“You wanna call him?” She nods, emphatic, a hummus-covered cucumber already stuffed into her mouth, and he smiles. “Alright, let’s see.”

 

He shoots off a quick text-- _ **you free to FT?**_ \--and is rewarded with an immediate incoming FaceTime call.

 

Dex’s face fills the screen, and Nursey recognizes his surroundings as his bedroom in his parents’ house. “Hey, baby,” he says, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

 

“Hi,” Nursey says. “Someone missed you.” He angles the phone so that Maya can see Dex, and Dex’s whole expression lights up.

 

“Hey, Maya!”

 

“Des!” she exclaims, making grabby hands at the phone.

 

Nursey snorts. “Not a chance, baby girl, you’re covered in hummus. I’ll hold the phone.”

 

Maya starts jabbering about her day in her usual mix of baby talk and real language, and Dex listens, all soft, fond eyes. His smile is warm as he watches her through the screen, and Nursey wishes he could bottle this moment up and keep it in his pocket, pour it into a vial on a locket and keep it next to his heart.

 

Predictably enough, Maya gets bored after a few minutes, going back to her dinner. “So,” Dex says. “Maya missed me, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Nursey says. He scoops some hummus onto his pita and munches on it. “She misses you a lot.”

 

Dex grins, raising his eyebrows. “She the only one?”

 

Nursey swallows his bite. “Yup,” he says. “Just Maya. No one else here loves you even the littlest tiniest bit.”

 

“You’re an awful liar,” Dex says.

 

Nursey props his chin on one hand. “Maybe,” he says.

  
They look at each other for a few moments, just looking. And then Dex smiles.

 

“I miss you, too,” he says. “I’ll be home in three days.”

 

“I know you will.” Nursey runs his thumb over the side of his phone, just like he would to Dex’s hand, and then pauses. “Home?”

 

Dex’s lips twitch. “Back to Samwell.”

 

Nursey can’t help his curl of disappointment. “Right,” he says, looking at his plate. He thinks the hummus is missing something. Cumin, maybe.

 

“Nurse,” Dex says. Nursey looks back up at him, expecting him to say more, but Dex just raises an eyebrow, and honestly, Nursey should have known. Dex can read him like a book. He huffs.

 

“I know,” he says. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” Dex’s smile is a little sheepish now. “Honestly, it kind of makes me feel better. If I just miss you, I feel like an idiot. If you miss me too…”

 

“Pretty sure I said only Maya misses you,” Nursey says.

 

Dex rolls his eyes. “I’m hanging up on you,” he says, but he’s grinning.

 

…

 

“Are you sure you have everything?” his mom asks for the twentieth time.

 

“ _Yes_ , ma, I’m sure.” Dex shuts the back door of the cab--he’s _finally_ convinced his dad to let him take the truck to school--and turns to give his mom a last hug. “I love you, but I really need to get on the road.”

 

She clicks her tongue. “I know _exactly_ what you’re in a rush for,” she says tartly. He flushes, and she takes his hat off his head, whacks his shoulder with it, and then puts it back over his hair. Dex turns it backwards. “Drive safely, and text me when you’ve gotten to Samwell, okay?”

 

“I will,” he promises. He bends down so she can kiss his cheek, then gets in the car. He shoots off a quick _**leaving now, eta ~4.5 hours**_ text to Nursey, plugs his phone into the AUX cord and flips to his driving playlist (which, _fuck you_ , Derek, is _not_ just ten hours of “dad rock”) and starts the car.

 

He lets his mind wander a little as he drives, in that absent, _focused-on-the-road-not-my-head_ way he often does on long trips. His thoughts drift to Nursey, which isn’t surprising, because his thoughts _usually_ drift to Nursey if he lets them, especially if he’s alone.

 

But this is different. He’s thinking about their reunion, yeah, but not the way he has been for the last two nights (in his room, with the door locked, his mind _screaming_ with possibilities), where it’s all focused on limbs and mouths and...other things.

 

No, now he’s thinking about what Nursey’s face might look like, and if Maya’ll be home--he thinks yes, but he’s not sure--and what they’ll be doing, and if they’ll let him seamlessly integrate with whatever their evening was already gonna be.

 

And he’s thinking beyond that, to the end of the summer, to pre-season, to the school year. He’s thinking about movie marathons in Nursey’s apartment, about nights in Nursey’s bed, about Nursey at his side on the ice.

 

He crosses the border from Maine into New Hampshire, and he thinks about the way Nursey smiles at him when he first wakes up in the morning. He thinks about the way he grins when one of them scores off an assist from the other--they’d clicked like hell last year, and Dex knows, _knows_ , they’ll only do better this year. He thinks about the way Maya leaps into his arms when she gets home from daycare, the way she snuggles into his chest when he sings old lullabies to her at night.

 

Traffic is clear, and he flies down the highway. Dex rolls his window down, lets his arm rest against it, feel the sun and the wind on his skin.

 

“ _You’re my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true,”_ Freddie Mercury sings from Dex’s stereo. _“I really love you. Oh, you’re my best friend.”_

 

Dex laughs, despite himself, and turns the volume up.

 

It’s nearly dark when he pulls into the parking lot of Nursey’s building. He turns off the car and unplugs his phone, hitting Nursey’s contact. “Hey,” he says, when Nursey picks up. “Buzz me in?”

 

“You’re here already?” Nursey sounds surprised and delighted.

 

Dex grins. “I’m outside.”

 

The buzzer sounds, and Dex is already pulling the door open, taking the stairs at a jog.

 

Nursey opens the door before he can knock, Maya on his hip. “Hey, gorgeous!” Dex says, and Nursey bursts into a laugh.

 

“I can’t tell if you’re talking to me or her,” he says.

 

“Both of you,” Dex says, holding out his arms. Nursey passes Maya to him, and Dex squeezes her close, pressing a kiss to her cheek, and she smacks one wetly against his in return. He laughs, then pulls back a little to look at both of them. They’re both bright-eyed and smiling, smeared a little in what he’s pretty sure is paint. “Art night?”

 

“Finger painting,” Nursey says, smiling. He leans in for a kiss, and Dex happily gives him one. It’s as chaste as they can manage after a week apart; Dex is conscious of Maya in his arms, but he’s not a saint. Still, Nursey pulls away far too soon for Dex’s liking, his eyes twinkling. “Wanna join us?” he says, and offers Dex his hand.

 

He asks it like it’s simple, but there’s something in his eyes, in his voice, and Dex knows, somehow, that what he’s really asking is _will you stay?_

 

And he knows, without even having to think, that the answer is yes.

 

 _Yes_ to everything--yes to finger-painting, yes to sitting down with their class schedules and practice schedule and Nursey’s custody schedule and figuring out how they’re making their time together make _sense_ , yes to learning a million ways to make grilled cheese, yes to finally downloading Duolingo and getting better at Spanish.

 

 _Yes_ to living together next year, when they’re really ready.

 

 _Yes_ , if he plays his cards right, to getting the keys to Faber from Ford, and getting down on one knee for Nursey at center ice.

 

“Dex?” Nursey raises an eyebrow, and wiggles his fingers. “You joining us for arts and crafts, or what?”

 

Dex smiles. “Yes,” he says. He hitches Maya a little higher on his hip, nuzzling at her cheek--she shrieks, giggling--and, without a hint of hesitation, takes Nursey’s hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings (spoilers!) for the brief hospitalization of a child (she's fine), a brief raised-voice argument between romantic partners (they're fine), and a character nearly having a panic attack (he's fine), as well as the brief mention of anti-anxiety medication.
> 
>  
> 
> And we're done! :) 
> 
> And, hopefully this wrap-up was worth the wait. And that you're not too mad at me for the sick kid and the fighting boys and the almost-breakup. I SAID EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE AND I MEANT IT, OKAY.
> 
> thank you so much to @angeryginger for all the cheerleading, and to my amazing beta @debz0rz for continuing to be the best person ever. 
> 
> feelings? angery or happy or otherwise? come tell me about them on tumblr, @geniusorinsanity!


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